Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've picked up a degree in psychiatry. Yes, in just seven months, I picked up an Ed.D. in psychiatry from Cogswell Polytechnic, located in scenic Sunnyvale, California.
Cogswell has kind of a bad reputation, as a kind of unaccredited diploma mill that only survives because it convinces its students that it's some kind of pre-community college college that will prepare them for the harsh, uncaring world of two-year colleges. That's not entirely false. Actually, it's all true, but not quite in the way you'd think. Let's look at the individual claims, first.
Cogswell is, in fact, unaccredited. How can this be, you wonder? I admit, it sounds bad: think back to the last college math class you took. That class was accredited.
The bar for accreditation must be pretty low. Well, accreditation is kind of like organic food in the United States. It's been corrupted by big business so that it no longer means much of anything. I mean, the McDonalds employee training program and KeyPoint Credit Union's KeyPoint University are both accredited institutions of higher learning in the same way that Safeway's produce that comes from giant industrial farms in China is organic. Cogswell is more like buying from a farmers' market stall, where they may not have paid the money to get the label, but they have vegetables that are far superior to anything you'd see in a major supermarket. And believe you me, Cogswell is full of vegetables.
Cogswell does, in fact, have a diploma mill. However, it's not as bad as you think. It's actually wind-powered, so it's eco-friendly. Their diplomas are printed using recycled ink and recycled paper, and every one entitles you to a one-time $0.50 discount on selected merchandise at the Cogswell Polytechnic Store.
That last part about convincing students it's some kind of pre-community college college is true, too. Their regular first-year experience program is a learning community that integrates math, English, and computer classes with an emphasis on proving that community colleges are harsh, evil places where students sit in massive lecture halls with thousands of other students and professors drone on and on about crazy-advanced topics like algebra and world history. Fortunately, since I was in their graduate program, I skipped this part.
So now that I've got a degree in psychiatry, I'm going to make the world a better place and turn a hefty profit at the same time. See, I'm going to open up a self-esteem ranch where I will convince rappers that they are actually worthwhile people. Clearly, daily affirmations have failed these people. They need something stronger. I've had plans to run an invertebrate ranch
for a while, and now I can combine tasty invertebrates with wealthy but insecure rap stars. Three months of rustling wood, hitching wagons, and herding snausages should convince these folks that they have useful skills and are worthwhile people.
I guess I'll have to look for some land in California's inland valley, since (hopefully) it's cheaper out there than it is in the Bay Area. I'll also need some fencing, a couple of portable buildings, and a bunch of invertebrate eggs. Actually, I should go easy on the portable buildings, since I don't want to look too much like a school. Rappers will have to pay for their own food and rent lodging, mounts, and gear from me. I'll have to charge them a lot, since psychological research suggests that they'll value the experience more if they pay an absorbitant price for it. I want them to value the experience a lot, so they'll have to pay a lot for it. I can make the certificates of participation cheap, though. I can buy a bunch of used Cogswell diplomas and print my stuff on the back.