She's not dead yet, but she may be soon.

Last Thursday we noticed that Miss Kitty was constipated and looked rather bloated. We tried feeding her pumpkin, but she didn't eat that much. We took her to the vet Saturday. He said that her swelling was from fluid in her abdomen, probably as a result of her cancer. We took her to the emergency room at the place that's been doing her chemo, but they mostly said that fluid is pretty standard with cancer and suggested we come back Monday to talk to the oncologists. Odds were that she wasn't eating enough to poop that much. We had her abdomen drained Monday and started her on more chemo. She ate less and less, and finally Wednesday afternoon we picked up some baby food for her. She actually ate a whole spoonful of it, but that was all. She was drinking a lot of water. At about 9:30 she started mewing, and about an hour later she vomited up all the water and what little food she had eaten. We took her back to the emergency room and left her there overnight. They put her on fluids and ran some tests, but they didn't find anything other than cancer to blame. They think it's only a matter of time, and all we can do is give her medicine to make her feel okay for as long as possible. This is basically the same thing they said when we started the first round of chemo six months ago, but I don't know if she can pull off another miracle. She's lasted four or five months longer than anyone expected. I guess that's a good run for a cat, but it just doesn't seem like enough.

--The Management

I went in for my last chemo treatment Tuesday. I've officially beaten cancer! To all the nay-sayers out there, I say thee, nay! To my cancer, I'd just like to say boo to the yu: booya! Everyone else was, like, "You're going to die, Miss Kitty." One day when I was feeling particularly cancerous I said to my cancer, "You're not going to keep me down. No more Mr. Nice Miss Kitty!" I guess I won.

The doctors say that my cancer is in remission. I must admit that I'm surprised to hear that. I didn't even know it was Mormon. If you should see a skinny young crab riding a bicycle and wearing a white dress shirt and tie, that's probably mine. Tell it that Miss Kitty says "Hi!" and then squish it.

Unfortunately, despite my victory over cancer, I wasn't allowed to go to the Yoshida Brothers concert at Yoshi's Jazz Club in Oakland. I'm pretty bummed out about that. I mean, how could I miss the Yoshida Brothers? They're just amazing. They practically made Nintendo, and they are almost completely responsible for the skyrocketing popularity of tsugaru. Still, I bet a lot of people don't know who they are.

The Yoshida Brothers, Yoshida Yoshida and Yoshida Luigi (and their as-yet unfamous brothers Yoshida Beau and Yoshida Brent), are these cool guys who inspired a series of best-selling video games and related merchandise, a movie, and a television show. The original Yoshida Bros. was a Nintendo arcade game that featured Yoshida and Luigi running around a series of tunnels under an old west town. They had to gather gold and avoid discovery by the townsfolk. They could run and jump, but they could only fight by leaping up and punching the roof of the tunnel directly below a townsfolk. Voiceovers by Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood, as well as an awesome theme by SOWN, made the game way cooler than the gameplay might suggest. Plus, in the console version, you could jump and then repeatedly pause and unpause the game to leap right up through the tunnel ceiling. For some reason, the original never got the attention it deserved. Things didn't really take off until Super Yoshida Bros., which was based on the Yoshidas' daily life. From there it branched into Super Yoshida Bros. II: Mushroom Boogaloo, Super Yoshida Bros. III: The Search for Brent, Super Yoshida Bros. IV: The Annihilation, Super Yoshida Bros. V: The Empire Strikes Back, Super Yoshida Bros. VI: Leonard's Island, Paper Yoshida, Yoshida Party, Yoshida Party II: The Jaws of Cerberus, and many more. The theme to the famous Super Yoshida Bros. video game series was written by Joe Hisaishi and performed by Agatsuma Hirumitsu, and it made the shamisen seem cool again in the same way that Hikaru no Go is making the current generation hip to go.

The Super Yoshida Bros. Super Show was, of course, inevitable. I was a mix of live action and animation. The live action sequence starred Captain Lou Albano as Yoshida Mario and Joe Odagiri (brother to the show's musical director, Joe Hisaishi) as Yoshida Luigi. The Bros. did their own voices for the cartoon part. Eventually Captain Lou and Joe Odagiri left the show. They were replaced in the final two episodes by by Roger Moore and Robert Colbert as Yoshida Beau and Yoshida Brent, respectfully. Despite the fact that Moore and Colbert did good jobs with their characters, fans wanted to see Yoshida and Luigi.

Super Mario Bros. the film came out four years later and was a big success. It starred David Carradine and Rob Schneider as Yoshida and Luigi, and also featured James Garner as their father, "Pappy." Garner really stole the show, in part because he is a very charismatic actor and in part because fans have been wanting to know more about "Pappy" ever since the original Yoshida Bros. video game. Between levels your character would say, "As my old Pappy used to say," and then deliver some bizarre aphorism like "'You can be a gentleman and still not forget all you know about self-defense.'"

I can't believe I missed them. Dangit.

Miss Kitty went in to the doctor last Thursday. Her white blood cell count was too low for chemo, but they couldn't feel the lump in her abdomen and the chest x-ray didn't show much of the cancer around her lungs. We're going to take her back Thursday. She's back up to 7 lbs.

She also got some unagi tonight. It's fascinating to watch her eat unagi. Here's how she eats other foods:
*sniff* *sniff* *sniff* *moves head farther away from food* *sniff* *sniff* *moves head close to food* *sniff* *moves head right over food* *sniff* *moves head well past food* *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* *eventually moves head over food* *lick* *lick* *pick up in mouth* *drop* *pick up in mouth* *drop bits* *drop rest* *lick* *pick up in mouth* *drop* *repeat until about 30% of the food has been worked into whatever surface it was sitting on*

Here's how she eats unagi:
*sniff* *sniff* *sniff* *moves head farther away from food* *sniff* *moves head right over food* *inhales* *licks until she has removed the top 3mm of the surface on which the unagi once rested* *stares at me until she gets more*

--The Management

The oncologist said he didn't expect Miss Kitty to make it more than a month or maybe two, and that was on January 17. She seems to be in high spirits. She wakes me up every morning demanding more food. I tried to sleep in one day, and she hopped up on the edge of the couch where I sleep and started walking up and down, jumping onto the arms, and generally making my sleep-fogged brain aware of her presence. She's back to sitting on the stairs like she used to. I guess she is feeling pretty much okay right now.

--The Management

I went to the hospital again Monday. I have to say that I saw this coming. The first signs came when I was bundled up in my favorite blanket and carried to the car. Most people wouldn't have known what to make of this, but within half an hour my keen mind had puzzled it out. The ride was generally nice, I have to say. While the last trip was plagued with bridge ambushes, this one was not. It turns out that bridges are both evil and stupid. I mean, if my life's goal was to jump out of my hiding place in a fit of bridgy evil and shout "RAR" or "7Z" in the hopes of scaring folks out of their cute little fur, I would make sure to pick a different hiding place every day! Seriously. I'm not sure what kind of weapons we have on our vehicle, but they must be pretty impressive to bust a cap in a bridge. Those things are big. Anyhow, every so often on the drive someone would cover my cute little eyes. I consulted my cute little mental map of the road and found that these spots corrugated well with the sites of bridge ambushes last time, so I assume the reason my eyes were covered was to protect me from scenes of unimaginable violence being violented on those bridges.

Anyhow, I don't remember much about the hospital. It was hospitable, I guess. I remember the doctors using the same old medicine and not trying a new one because I have a kidney problem, and I remember hearing that they couldn't feel some lump today. You'd think this is good, but nobody seems to be overjoyed, and I'm still advised to avoid long-term investments like blue chip stocks or boil-in-the-bag meals.

I think I have my very own vampiric minion. Maybe more than one. I'm so excited. Today I went to the vet, where I became a vampire in the first place, and they took my blood again. This is at least the fourth or fifth time they've taken my blood. I became a vampire after the third time, but that was a while ago. They've taken it several more times in the last two weeks, and I've had it taken at the other pet hospital with the Spice tank, too. They have my medical records, so they must know I'm already one of them. My only guess is that they are taking my blood to turn others into my servants.

I've been calling these servants all day, but I haven't heard anything from them. If you are one of my minions and you are reading this,

GET YOUR MINIONIC ASS HOME RIGHT NOW!

I've got plans for you goobers. First, one of you will get me a top hat. I think I'd look pretty good if I just had a top hat to go with my tuxedo fur. Then we're going to watch all twelve episodes of Fawlty Towers. I've been told that it's finely-crafted humor if ever there was such a thing, and it seems the vampiric thing to do. Plus, it'll be a master-minion bonding party. I'll send you all out to the 7-11 on the corner for a couple six-packs of blood and a tin or two of unagi and we'll stay up all night. I've got the tapes that include interviews with John Cleese. After that, I'm thinking we could all steal each other's seats for a little while and then nap for maybe fifteen hours. We could play a few hands of whist or the Henry V Storytelling Trading Card Game. Maybe if I have enough minions we could get a LARP going. Half of you could play wangsty, pretentious teenagers who corner people at gaming conventions and talk at them for hours, while the other half could play responsible vampire gamers who play the game to have fun and interact socially without bothering other people. Anyhow, these plans are all tentacle. They could change if one of you has a better idea. Basically, though, I want you here soon.

Miss Kitty is doing moderately well today. She has been really hungry, possibly because of the appetite-enhancing pills we've been giving her. Most of the time she seems about like Miss Kitty always does, but maybe a little more active and interested in the world around her. However, I've noticed a couple of times when she just looked tired. wintersweet and I have started sleeping in the living room with her. wintersweet was hoping that Miss Kitty would sleep next to her on the futon, but instead, Miss Kitty decided to sleep near my feet on the couch.

--The Management

Last night (this morning, actually), I started having trouble breathing. I tried to get assaultdoor to give me a squirt of that asthma spray that he pops like it's going out of style, but he wouldn't. Instead, everyone bundled me up in a blanket, stuffed me in a car, and drove me at like 320kph to the local vet hospital. They put me in some kind of plastic tank full of oxygen, which was pretty nice. I see why oxygen bars are all the rage these days. Oxygen is nice and harmless, while alcohol is used to kill microbes and preserve foods that nobody would actually eat the first time. Anyhow, this tank was probably a lot like what the Spacing Guild navigators use, except that it had oxygen and not Spice. Then they ran some tests and poked me with needles. I was hooked up to some kind of machine, and they had to shave my wrist to get an IV into me. I'm hoping they come out with a V soon, since the IV isn't that much fun. I feel sorry for all of the people in the days of old who had to use the III, however.

Now that I have a bare patch on my wrist, I'm thinking of selling advertising space. I was thinking of getting a tattoo of Wel-Pac unagi, but perhaps some other corporate entity would be willing to pay me more. If you are, work for, or know any corporate entities, let them know that I'm walking, talking, super-awesome kitty signage and I'm open for business.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I actually made it home, and I'm not having any trouble breathing. The doc said that there wasn't that much fluid around my lungs, so the trouble I had was probably just excitement. I'm going to try the quiet life from now on.

I saw several bridges on the way home. Just in case some of you have never seen one before, let me tell you something. Bridges are mean, nasty little bastards. They just sneak up on you, jump out, and scream "RAR!" or "LHA!" or "ARJ!" or something crazy like that. Then they run away. They scare me, and I'd dearly love to see them all torn down. Stupid bridges. I hate them so damned much.

Update: After looking at some of the forms that came with me from the hospital, I found out something really amazing. I actually have a first name! It's Kitty. I think. Maybe it's Miss and I have the middle name of Kitty. Maybe Miss is a generational name and all of my cousins also have it, and Kitty is my personal name. I don't remember my parents being Chinese or Korean, but I could be mistaken. I'm a little worried that it's actually a double first name, kind of like JoAnne or Jo Ellen or Mary Sue or Donald Rumsfeld. I really don't want to sound like I'm from Arkansas or really awful fanfic, I'm pretty sure my family isn't from Asia, and that my first name isn't Miss, so I'm going to say that my given name is Kitty. My family name, according to this form, is Ryan. This is quite a coincidence, as Ryan is also the family name of the people who drove me to the hospital.

Miss Kitty is on oxygen right now, and the doctor seemed to think she might not make it more than a day or so.

Miss Kitty had her first round of chemo. We also have some pills to reduce nausea and enhance her appetite. We will take her back in two weeks for a blood test so we'll know if the drugs are doing more harm than good.

She's having trouble breathing right now. We're taking her in to the vet.