Stealing HMS Victory

Part 3
in which our great adventure comes to a close.

When last we left our decrepid crew, we had just pawned our first knob. Well, this part takes place maybe half a day later. We'd dealt with a bunch of powerful NPC ships and picked up a bunch of xp and treasure. Then we spent maybe five hours becalmed. Fortunately, MC:TAC includes a number of mini-games, so spending five hours on a ship with no wind wasn't nearly as boring as you'd think. We had several fine games of parcheesi! These quiet times were not to last, though. The wind returned, and with it our great adventure.

12:01:wilw: Hey, I think we've got wind again!
12:01:m_cat: We complete what we started.
12:01:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Awesome! Let's catch us a fat Spanish treasure ship!
12:02:m_cat: Hey, I meant this game of parcheesi! Get back here.
12:02:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: fine
12:28:m_cat: Okay, now let's complete that other thing we started!
12:28:Vados: Piracy this time?
12:28:m_cat: Abso-warking-lutely! AmbroseSpike, get those sails set!
12:30:wilw: I forgot how long this takes.
12:31:m_cat: Anyone up for another round of parcheesi?
12:32:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: sure
12:32:wilw: sure
12:33:Ichiko: rock
12:33:JeffVader: I'll sit this one out, thanks.
12:33:SaltyBob: i guess im in
12:52:AmbrosiaSike: Sails set, cap'm.
12:52:m_cat: Nice. CaptainPeacock, take the wheel.
12:52:CaptainPeacock: Where to?
12:53:m_cat: I'm kinda busy right now. Use your best judgement.
12:59:m_cat: Pawned like the knobs you are.
12:59:wilw: I was so close!
12:59:SaltyBob: no u wer not
12:59:m_cat: So where are we?
01:00:CaptainPeacock: I was steering for La Rochelle, but I think we are closer to the
01:00:CaptainPeacock: Galapagos.
01:00:m_cat: Mmm... Well, as we have no weedy naturalists, it falls to me to say
01:00:m_cat: that we should land and devour all the delicious animals we find.
01:00:FredMarryat: WTF?
01:01:m_cat: Let's land, kill all the local monsters, and rake in the xp.
01:01:InFeStEdBoRg: I'm in.
01:01:SaltyBob: lets kill those monsters
01;01:Ichiko: Rock!
01:01:JeffVader: Sounds good.
01:01:FredMarryat: Couldn't we go looking for French ships to capture? They're worth more.
01:02:m_cat: We're in the Galapagos. What are the odds we'll find a French ship out here?
01:02:m_cat: I think they just opened this area up a few days ago, so we'll be among the
01:02:m_cat: first to farm it. Who knows what new drops there might be?
01:02:InFeStEdBoRg: better not b lettuce
01:02:m_cat: Throw out the anchor and fetch a boat. We're going farming.
01:03:AmbrosiaSpike: Anchor's out.
01:03:wilw: The gig is ready.
01:03:m_cat: We're going to have to leave somebody behind to make sure rogues don't steal
01:03:m_cat: our ship while we're out, but we can swap out later so everyone can farm.
01:04:m_cat: First up: me, ~~=Wm Norrington=~~, SaltyBob, InFeStEdBoRg, FredMarryat, Ichiko,
01:04:Ichiko: Rock!
01:04:m_cat: JeffVader, VampyrePajamas, and Vados.
01:04:JeffVader: Sweet.
01:04:Vados: Awesome!
01:04:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Yes!
01:04:SaltyBob: XP! 8)!
01:04:CaptainPeacock: Damn.
01:04:InFeStEdBoRg: yes
01:04:FredMarryat: Excellent.
01:05:m_cat: VampirePajamas? You in?
01:05:VampirePajamas: Sry. I'm in the middle of homewrok.
01:05:m_cat: CaptainPeacock it is, then.
01:06:m_cat: SaltyBob, take us to that island.
01:06:SaltyBob: which island?
01:06:m_cat: The one north-east on your minimap
01:06:SaltyBob: k
01:09:SaltyBob: this ok?
01:09:m_cat: I see several walking lumps of delicious xp. This is fine.
01:10:JeffVader: OMFG turtles have a lot of HP!
01:10:FredMarryat: Failboat!
01:10:Vados: If you hit them fast enough, they can't get move. They die eventually.
01:10:Vados: Nice xp on turtles
01:11:JeffVader: Don't let them hit you.
01:12:InFeStEdBoRg: heal plx
01:12:InFeStEdBoRg: thx
01:12:Ichiko: NP
01:13:m_cat: Man, I totally pawnz0rated that finch.
01:14:FredMarryat: crabs swarm
01:15:Vados: ha ha
01:15:FredMarryat: help plz crabs swarm
01:16:m_cat: Any more turtles around here? They don't seem to be respawning
01:16:FredMarryat: aaugh crabs
01:16:m_cat: Can somebody take care of that?
01:17:Vados: crabs!
01:17:InFeStEdBoRg: omg y thare so mny crabs?
01:18:m_cat: Dangit, le me take care of them.
01:19:m_cat: They weren't so bad.
01:19:Vados: That's because we killed most of them before you "helped out"
01:20:m_cat: When do you think they'll respawn?
01:21:SaltyBob: ne1 seen nething?
01:22:m_cat: I guess we'll go back to the ship. We can try to spade whatever
01:22:m_cat: we got and wait for the monsters to respawn.
01:23:CaptainPeacock: Suck.
01:24:InFeStEdBoRg: what a lame respawn rate
01:24:InFeStEdBoRg: how r we spsed to make xp in this area?
01:25:m_cat: I'm sure the island's ecosystem will restore itself in 15 minutes.
01:26:wilw: Welcome back, Sir. Request permission to make some XP.
01:26:m_cat: Um... yeah.
01:26:SaltyBob: hi cheese.
01:26:ILikeCheese: hi
01:26:Vados: Hi.
01:26:JeffVader: Doctor.
01:26:Vados: Doctor.
01:26:SaltyBob: Doctor.
01:26:FredMarryat: Doctor.
01:26:wilw: Doctor.
01:26:Vados: Doctor.
01:26:SaltyBob: Doctor.
01:26:m_cat: Let's not start this again!
01:26:ILikeCheese: Doctor.
01:26:Ichiko: Doctor.
01:27:m_cat: STFU
01:27:JeffVader: sry
01:27:m_cat: You  should be.
01:27:m_cat: ILikeCheese, where were you?
01:27:ILikeCheese: playing SSBB since we were becalmed
01:27:ILikeCheese: woulda been back like 10 min ago but i had 2 download the patch
01:28:Vados: Patch?
01:28:ILikeCheese: yeah new patch came out like a day ago
01:28:SaltyBob: weve been on for like 2 days solid now ha ha
01:28:wilw: Anyt interesting updates?
01:28:ILikeCheese: pets can have custom ai now
01:28:wilw: I used to have a parrot.
01:29:wilw: Before SOMEBODY ate  it.
01:29:m_cat: Okay, we've had dthis discussion before. The parrot looked delicious.
01:29:m_cat: It was asking to be eaten.
01:29:m_cat: I mean, why else would you even own a parrot or a monkey if you aren't
01:29:m_cat: going to eat it?
01:29:wilw: Whatever. Any other updates?
01:29:ILikeCheese: minimaps show allies now
01:29:ILikeCheese: skill names changed: "cartridge making" now = "making cartridge!!"
01:29:ILikeCheese: updated combat skills liek double-shot costs less xp
01:29:m_cat: I've heard enough. Everybody except ILikeCheese, log out and update.
01:29:AmbrosiaSpike: OK
01:41:wilw: Hey, they've added to the list of things you can make bullets out of.
01:41:wilw: Now it includes Piece of Reef, Mermaid Heart, and Handful of Grit.
01:41:wilw: Handful of Grit makes silver bullets.
01:41:wilw: Why?
01:41:SaltyBob: hey ive got a monkey egg. ima hatch me a mokney
01:42:ILikeCheese: saltybob?
01:43:Vados: Patching complete!
01:43:ILikeCheese: SaltyBob?
01:43:m_cat: That can't be good.
01:43:wilw: Maybe he crashed.
01:44:m_cat: Loggging off and on should fix it.
01:44:m_cat: or not
01:44:m_cat: Okay, nobody activate a pet.
01:45:m_cat: You know, he'll probably never know what happened to his monkey.
01:45:wilw: That's just wrong.
01:46:m_cat: Not so wrong as to not be delicious.
01:46:Vados: Hey, the mini-map really does work. I see all you guys!
01:46:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Can we go ashore now?
01:46:Snootch: Come onnnnnn!
01:46:Snootch: I wants the killiiiiiinnnnnzzzzz!
01:47:ILikeCheese: SaltyBob?
01:47:SaltyBob: that sucked. my client kept crashin
01:47:SaltyBob: where's my monkey?
01:47:wilw: I can't imagine what could have happened to your monkey.
01:47:m_cat: Something delicious?
01:47:SaltyBob: wtf?
01:48:wilw: Okay, the forums say you must have a custom AI folder if you use
01:48:wilw: a pet or else your client will crash while looking for one.
01:48:SaltyBob: thx
01:48:ILikeCheese: hey, guys, there's a red thingy moving towards a green thingy
01:48:FredMarryat: WTF? Care to elaborate, man?
01:49:ILikeCheese: zoom out minimap to see the ocean
01:49:ILikeCheese: i think were the green thingy
01:49:wilw: Is that an allied ship?
01:49:Ichiko: Is it the Speedy?
01:50:wilw: Speedy is probably still back near Gibraltar.
01:50:m_cat: wilw, what do you see?
01:51:wilw: Looks British. Maybe 74 guns.
01:51:m_cat: I have a plan so cunning you could paste ears on it and call it a wombat.
01:51:m_cat: Somebody who's not JeffVader, signal Enemy Vessel Sighted
01:53:JeffVader: I guess that's me.
01:53:m_cat: Dangit. Make it so.
01:53:Vados: Are you going to do what I think you are oging to do?
01:54:m_cat: Is what you think I'm going to do an act of genius?
01:54:Vados: No.
01:54:m_cat: Then probably not.
01:54:HMS Victory:
01:55:wilw: um...
01:55:wilw: Are you going to attack a British ship?
01:55:m_cat: You get the ears and I'll get the paste.
01:55:Snootch: Turn on our own side?
01:55:wilw: No way.
01:56:AmbrosiaSpike: What?
01:56:m_cat: Who's the Captain here?
01:56:wilw: Nelson?
01:56:Vados: He's an admiral.
01:57:m_cat: Why do you think I spent 70,000 zeny on this giant hat?
01:57:m_cat: I have a perfectly good +10 Triple-Interstitital Daffodil that I could
01:57:m_cat: be wearing. It gives me better bonuses, and it makes all of my attacks
01:57:m_cat: fire-based, but the giant hat says I'm the captain.
01:57:wilw: You wear a daffodil on your head?
01:57:m_cat: Where else would you wear it?
01:57:wilw: I'd think it would go in your buttonhole slot instead.
01:57:m_cat: Don't be silly. That's where I've got my +3 Ghostly Muffler
01:58:wilw: You've got a muffler in your buttonhole?
01:58:m_cat: Yep. Check the wiki. It's clearly labeled "boutonniere." What do you
01:58:m_cat: have in your buttonhole slot?
01:58:wilw: I've got a campion.
01:58:m_cat: That's probably a bug. It's a flower. It should be on your head.
01:58:InFeStEdBoRg: so about this whole attacking british side thing
01:58:m_cat: Don't get all high and mighty with me. You lot almost drowned the
01:58:m_cat: greatest living British hero just for the xp, and then you locked him
01:58:m_cat: in the forktassel.
01:59:InFeStEdBoRg: who?
01:59:wilw: Nelson!
01:59:InFeStEdBoRg: that dude got my xp!
01:59:wilw: Actually, you were the one who suggested pushing him overboard.
01:59:m_cat: Whatever. Now's our chance to regain all the XP that Nelson and his
01:59:m_cat: British crew have stolen from us in the past day or two. Who's with me?
01:59:wilw: Whatever.
01:59:m_cat: That's the spirit!
01:59:HMS Shrewsbury:
01:58:JeffVader: Shrewsbury acknowledges.
01:59:m_cat: For the record, I wasn't actually talking to HMS Shrewsbury.
01:59:m_cat: I was talking to our ship, Speedy. Shrewsbury just misinterpreted.
01:59:m_cat: Run up "Party?"
01:59:JeffVader: Okay.
01:59:Ichiko: This is messed up. But funny.
01:59:m_cat: Let's start sailing in Shrewsbury's direction.
01:59:AmbrosiaSpike: Aye, aye.
02:00:HMS Victory:
02:00:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Still talking to the Speedy?
02:00:m_cat: Absolutely.
02:00:HMS Shrewsbury:
02:00:m_cat: So, want to play parcheesi?
02:00:ILikeCheese: SSBB time!
02:00:wilw: I'll beat you this time.
02:00:SaltyBob: no u wont
02:00:wilw: Next time we play poker.
04:39:CaptainPeacock: Hey, we're here!
04:40:m_cat: Awesome.
04:40:m_cat: JeffVader?
04:41:JeffVader: What?
04:41:m_cat: Signal to HMS Shrewsbury, "Approach within hailing distance" or whatever.
04:41:JeffVader: Sure.
04:42:HMS Victory:
04:42:HMS Shrewsbury:
04:43:JeffVader: Okay...
04:43:m_cat: Take us in closer.
04:43:CaptainPeacock: Okay.
04:45:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): yo1 u no where is la rochelle?
04:45:m_cat (HMS Victory): Yo yourself!
04:45:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): wheres shipz u want to party 4?
04:45:m_cat (HMS Victory): Very near.
04:45:m_cat (HMS Victory): Actually, here's the story. We plan to board and pillage you.
04:45:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): what/
04:46:m_cat (HMS Victory): Heave to. We intend to board and pillage you.
04:46:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no wai
04:46:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): can i talk to some1 else there?
04:46:m_cat (HMS Victory): See my giant hat? I'm in command here.
04:46:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): r u nelson?
04:46:m_cat (HMS Victory): Have I said anything about confidence? No! I'm not!
04:47:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury: what soing on here?
04:47:m_cat (HMS Victory): 猿も木から落ちる
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): what u say?
04:48:m_cat (HMS Victory): 猿も木から落ちる
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 here can read that
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): looks like boxes
04:48:m_cat (HMS Victory): Turn International support on.
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): whut?
04:48:m_cat: geez
04:48:m_cat (HMS Victory): Hit cmd-O or alt-O or whatever
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): k
04:49:m_cat (HMS Victory): Now click Languages
04:49:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): o i c then international support
04:49:m_cat (HMS Victory): 猿も木から落ちる
04:49:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 here can read that
04:49:m_cat (HMS Victory): Didn't we just go through this?
04:49:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 speaks korean
04:50:m_cat (HMS Victory): Does it look Korean? It's Japanese.
04:50:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury) g thx that helps
04:50:m_cat (HMS Victory): Excellent. Now, about this boarding an pillaging.
04:50:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 speaks japanese ether
04:51:m_cat (HMS Victory): It means "even monkeys fall from trees."
04:51:m_cat (HMS Victory): and then I eat them.
04:51:m_cat (HMS Victory): I added the last part myself.
04:51:JeffVader: How does that apply?
04:51:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): why u say that?
04:52:m_cat (HMS Victory): Because even you, an expert in command of a 74-gun ship,
04:52:m_cat (HMS Victory): have fallen for my amazingly clever ruse. Now, about
04:52:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): u have a flag?
04:53:m_cat: Good point. Somebody take down the British colours and put up Speedy's.
04:53:JeffVader: Done.
04:53:m_cat (HMS Victory): Okay, there we go. Make with the being boarded.
04:53:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no i mean pirate flag
04:54:m_cat (HMS Victory): I think we forgot to bring one.
04:54:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no flag no piracy
04:54:m_cat: DANGIT!
04:54:m_cat (HMS Victory): Okay, either surrender or shoot at us.
04:54:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no wai
04:54:m_cat (HMS Victory): Come on, surrender or shoot.
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): r u haxing?
04:55:m_cat (HMS Victory): No. We really do have 104 guns.
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): wherez nelson? i want 2 c him
04:55:m_cat (HMS Victory): Hey, what did I say aboug the giant hat?
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): nelson never had officer named mcat
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): ur hacking. u stole this ship ic all gm
04:55:m_cat: bush
04:55:GM-Cochrane: What's all this, then?
04:55:quorelation (GM Channel): mcat stole hms victory
04:56:GM-Cochrane: Cute. How'd you do it?
04:56:m_cat: (GM Channel): Me? Hey, why do you thinkk I'm wearing this daffodil instead of a
04:56:m_cat: (GM Channel) giant captain's hat? I'm not the one in charge here. It was
04:56:m_cat (GM Channel): ILikeCheese's idea. He logged off when they called you.
04:56:wilw (GM Channel): We just walked on board and sailed away.
04:56:GM-Cochrane: Okay, well, there've been some problems with the custom AI, so
04:56:GM-Cochrane: we're going to roll the server back about 24 hours. That shoudl
04:56:GM-Cochrane: undo your reign of terror.
04:56:GM-Cochrane: Very clever, by the way. Next time, the sentry will shoot you.
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): Since we're pointing out bugs here, I'd like to report that
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): eating pets doesn't give any stat boosts.
04:57:GM-Cochrane: You can't eat pets.
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): Yes, you can.
04:57:GM-Cochrane: How?
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): In the usual way.
04:57:GM-Cochrane: That's a bug right there.
04:58:m_cat (GM Channel): How is eating a monkey a bug? That's clearly a feature.
04:58:m_cat (GM channel): Don't tell me you wouldn't eat a monkey if you could.
04:58:THE SERVER IS GOING DOWN FOR A REBOOT NOW!

Stealing HMS Victory

Part 2
in which we pawn some knobs.

We'd been sailing for about six hours when we came encountered our first possible foe. But would things really go as we had planned?

08:51:JeffVader: A sail!
08:51:m_cat: Where?
08:52:JeffVader: Over there somewhere.
08:52:JeffVader: It's five or so of those thingies to the left.
08:52:wilw: Six points off the port bow.
08:52:JeffVader: I think they're French.
08:52:m_cat: Time to pawn some knobs like they've never been pawned before.
08:52:wilw: Um, I just had an awful thought.
08:53:m_cat: We've got 104 guns. This things a floating gun & pawn shop.
08:53:wilw: Who here can operate one of the great guns?
08:55:m_cat: Oh, dangit.
08:55:CaptainPeacock: Initiate "getting the hell out of here" maneuver?
08:55:m_cat: Yes.
08:55:m_cat: Wear! Come about!
08:55:AmbrosiaSpike: Wearing...
08:55:CaptainPeacock: Aye.
08:57:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Come on, Victory.
09:02:AmbrosiaSpike: Woo hoo!
09:02:m_cat: More sail, Ichiko.
09:02:Ichiko: Rock!
09:02:Ichiko: AmbrosiaSpike, take two reefs out of the mainsail. Set teh skysails.
09:02:AmbrosiaSpike: Aye.
09:03:Ichiko: And try the studdingsails. Let's see if that works.
09:03:wilw: That's pretty impressive, Ichiko.
09:03:Ichiko: I just say what my Sail Management skill tells me to say.
09:12:m_cat: How does it look, JeffVader?
09:13:JeffVader: They're gone!
09:13:wilw: Already?
09:13:Ichiko: Wow, that worked really well! Rock!
09:14:wilw: JeffVader, are you still looking 6 points off port bow?
09:15:JeffVader: Of course I am. What am I, stupid?
09:15:wilw: points OFF THE PORT BOW means it depends on where the ship is pointed!
09:15:wilw: We've turned since you first saw them.
09:15:JeffVader: Sry!
09:16:JeffVader: Found them!
09:17:JeffVader:If they're bigger, it means they're getting closer, right?
09:17:m_cat: Okay, you can't be lookout anymore, either. Wil?
09:17:wilw: On my way.
09:19:wilw: French, maybe 50 guns, closing fast.
09:20:InFeStEdBoRg: were screwed
09:20:m_cat: Easy there, sailor. How long do we have until she's in range?
09:20:wilw: Maybe two hours.
09:20:InFeStEdBoRg: 2 hrs? that' sfast?
09:21:CaptainPeacock: Maybe the crew's combat programming will kick in.
09:21:wilw: They haven't noticed the French ship. I doubt they will.
09:21:CaptainPeacock: What if they aren't set to be agro?
09:21:m_cat: Let's not rely on that. Everybody think of a plan.
09:49:m_cat: Are they still closing?
09:49:wilw: Yes.
10:03:ILikeCheese: I'm going to play Super Smash Brothers Brawl.
10:48:JeffVader: What if we make a fake ship out of a barrel and some lanterns?
10:51:AmbrosiaSpike: That'd only work at night. It's not even noon.
11:05:m_cat: Maybe we can bluff our way out of this. If that doesn't work,
11:05:m_cat: we could grab everything out of the hold and then log off. I'm
11:05:m_cat: sure a GM will notice eventually and put the ship back where it
11:05:m_cat: belongs.
11:07:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Requestpermission to begin looting now.
11:07:m_cat: Loot away!
11:16:Ichiko: Damn, weevils have a lot of HP.
11:17:Ichiko: Good drops, tho.
11:20:m_cat: They're shooting1 Start opening the gunports!
11:20:wilw: They're still out of range. They're just testing.
11:21:m_cat: Carry on looting.
11:21:InFeStEdBoRg: it's all lettuce down here!!
11:32:wilw: Okay, they're about in range.
11:33:m_cat: Feels like they're in range now.
11:33:wilw: Bow chasers only.
11:33:InFeStEdBoRg: um...
11:33:InFeStEdBoRg: npcs are doin stuff
11:33:m_cat: Like what?
11:33:InFeStEdBoRg: gettin guns rdy
11:33:m_cat: Awesome!
11:33:m_cat: AmbrosiaSpike, get ready to turn this ship around.
11:34:JeffVader: Are we about to see the power of this fully-operational battleship?
11:34:m_cat: Let me know when the guns are ready.
11:34:InFeStEdBoRg: um.. now?
11:34:m_cat (to AmbrosiaSpike): What's taking so long?
11:34:AmbrosiaSpike (to you): We're missing a topma n. ILikeCheese still is still playing
11:34:AmbrosiaSpike (to you): that stupid game, and we didn't have enough of them to begin
11:34:AmbrosiaSpike (to you): with.
11:34:m_cat (to AmbrosiaSpike): Dangit.
11:35:CaptainPeacock: Heal plz
11:35:CaptainPeacock: Oh, and we're missing the ship's wheel
11:35:CaptainPeacock: thx AmbrosiaSpike
11:35:m_cat: So we can't steer? Dangit!
11:37:wilw: I can't get to where you steer it in an emergency. It's got soldiers outside.
11:38:m_cat: Maybe if we reduce sail they'll overtake us and we can broadside them.
11:38:wilw: I just got a better idea.
11:38:wilw: Throw out the starboard anchor.
11:38:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: You've been watchign too much PoTC
11:39:wilw: No, it's legit.
11:39:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Even if it works, you saw the movie. It almost wrecked the ship.
11:39:Ichiko: If it gets wrecked either way, why don't we try the crazy plan?
11:39:wilw: It's not crazy. I'm reading the developers' mailing list right now.
11:39:wilw: They've got a problem with the physics model, where tension and a few
11:40:wilw: other things don't work very well. I'm betting it won't actually damage
11:40:wilw: the ship.
11:40:Ichiko: Rock!
11:40:m_cat: AmbrosiaSpike, implement Wil's crazy plan!
11:40:AmbrosiaSpike: Crazy plan, aye!
11:40:Ichiko: What kind of drops does a French 50gun have?
11:40:InFeStEdBoRg: better not be more lettuce!
11:41:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Crapt hat was loud!
11:41:m_cat: Ha ha pawned.
11:41:JeffVader: It's lettuce!
11:41:InFeStEdBoRg: fuck
11:41:InFeStEdBoRg: xp sux, too
11:41:wilw: We're sharing it with the rest of the crew.
11:41:AmbrosiaSpike: WTF was that flash from the focle?
11:41:wilw: I think Nelson just leveled up.
11:41:InFeStEdBoRg: no fair nelson got my xp!

We survived our first encounter with the enemy, but what would we do after that? Where would we go? Only one thing is for sure. We'll never need lettuce again. Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!

Stealing HMS Victory

Part 1
in which we steal HMS Victory.

01:13:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:13:wilw: Admiral Collingwood?
01:14:wilw: That seemed to work.
01:14:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:14:m_cat: Thomas Cochrane
01:14:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:14:FredMarryat: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
01:14:FredMarryat: Maybe they don't care what you say.
01:14:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:JeffVader: Fuck off, or I'll kill you with this tray.
01:15:JeffVader: Seems so.
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:wilw: Whoa, I think it's Admiral Nelson
01:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:16:m_cat: Hey, Nelson!
01:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:16:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Now you've done it!
01:16:wilw: Nothing, M'Lord.
01:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:16:Ichiko: WTF?
01:17:FredMarryat: Maybe he responds whenever anyone says his name.
01:17:FredMarryat: Lord Nelson! Lord Nelson! Lord Nelson!
01:17:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:17:FredMarryat: I guess that settles that. Think he does anything else?
01:17:m_cat: I doubt it. Let's get those sails set.
01:17:AmbrosiaSpike: We're on it.
01:19:FredMarryat: Anybody here good with C++?
01:20:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: C++ kinda sucks. You should use Java or something.
01:20:Cyan: Use Scheme. Or Lisp.
01:20:FredMarryat: It's for my programming class. I'm stuck with it.
01:20:Cyan: Ick.
01:27:JeffVader: We didn't bring enough topmen
01:29:m_cat: Be patient.
01:34:wilw: I'm going to go rock Guitar Hero. Call me when we're ready to sail.
01:36:m_cat: Okay.
01:37:Ichiko: Rock!
01:40:AmbrosiaSpike: ILikeCheese, why are you so slow? You said you had
01:40:AmbrosiaSpike: Set Sails 4!
01:41:ILikeCheese: i have to keep opening and closing my skill window
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: What?
01:41:ILikeCheese: having my skill window open while I'm trying to move around is hard
01:41:ILikeCheese: i have to keep clicking it open and closed
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: Hotkey it!
01:41:ILikeCheese: what?
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: PRess F11
01:41:ILikeCheese: k
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike:Did a long, narrow window pop up on your screen?
01:41:ILikeCheese: yea
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: Is your skill window open?
01:41:ILikeCheese: yea
01:42:AmbrosiaSpike: Drag the icon for Set Sails to one of the first box.
01:42:ILikeCheese: k
01:42:AmbrosiaSpike: Now you can just hit F1 with just that little window open.
01:42:ILikeCheese: thx
01:42:FredMarryat: What a lubber.
01:43:ILikeCheese: STUF
01:43:ILikeCheese: ^STFU
01:58:AmbrosiaSpike: We're god to go.
01:58:m_cat: Take the wheel, CaptainPeacock.
01:58:CaptainPeacock: Awesome.
01:59:m_cat: Cut those cables!
01:59:JeffVader: That was easy.
01:59:Ichiko: Rock!
02:00:wilw: I'm back.
02:00:m_cat: Finished pawnz0riating Guitar Hero, Wil?
02:00:HMS Victory:
02:00:wilw: Um, sure.
02:00:m_cat: Who's doing that?
02:01:JeffVader: I cant' stop the skill now.
02:01:m_cat: You don't get to be signal midshipman anymore.
02:01::DreadPirateRoberts: (the docks): Ahoy Victory! WTF?
02:01:FredMarryat (HMS Victory): I'm in ur port, cuttin' out ur Victory.
02:01::DreadPirateRoberts: (the docks): You're stealing Nelson's ship?
02:01:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:01:JeffVader: We've got a flag, you know.
02:01:m_cat: Get us out of here, CaptainPeacock.
02:01:m_cat (HMS Victory): Yes.
02:02:HMS Victory:
02:02::DreadPirateRoberts: (the docks): No! They be takin' mah Victory!
02:02:m_cat (HMS Victory): Bye now.
02:03:m_cat: ~~=Wm Norrington=~~, I understand this ship contains powder monkeys.
02:03:m_cat: Bring them before me. I wish to eat them.
02:03:wilw: Powder monkeys aren't monkeys, m_cat.
02:03:m_cat: Is this another one of those "there aren't any guns in the gunroom" things?
02:04:m_cat: These naval terms are just crazy. Can't they use English properly?
02:04:HMS Victory:
02:05:m_cat: Steady as she goes, CaptainPeacock.
02:05:CaptainPeacock: That means I keep doing what I'm doing, right?
02:05:m_cat: I think so.
02:06:wilw: I think this is really going to work.
02:06:Cyan: We're going to get busted for this.
02:06:m_cat: We'll report it sooner or later.
02:07:wilw: You know, GM-Foley, I only have one eye.
02:07:HMS Victory:
02:07:Ichiko: GM?
02:07:wilw: I have a right to be blind sometimes.
02:08:wilw: It's a quote. Nelson to Foley, when he was pretending not to notice
02:08:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:08:wilw: an order to withdraw at the Battle of Copenhagen.
02:09:m_cat: Right, wasn't Nelson's Copenhagen interpretation really important to
02:09:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:09:m_cat: quantum mechanics?
02:09:wilw: I don't think so.
02:09:HMS Victory:
02:10:m_cat: Yeah, the Copenhagen interpretation. It's famous.
02:10:wilw: No, I'm sure you're wrong.
02:10:HMS Victory:
02:11:HMS Victory:
02:11:FredMarryat: It's still going.
02:11:JeffVader: It seemed funny at the time.
02:12:m_cat: Yeah, Nelson stated that the waving form of a flag represents the observer's knowledge
02:12:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:12:m_cat: of the system.
02:12:wilw: No.
02:12:m_cat: Thus, since Nelson had more knowledge about the battle than did Sir Hyde Parker,
02:12:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:12:wilw: No. Just, no.
02:12:m_cat: and thus he ignored the order to withdraw.
02:12:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:13:HMS Victory:
02:13:wilw: Am I in an alternate universe? NO!
02:13:FredMarryat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copenhagen_interpretation
02:13:m_cat: See?
02:13:wilw: I give up.
02:13:m_cat: Goo d idea. I'm typing this sitting on a 1,000+ page physics book. You never
02:13:m_cat: had a chance.
02:14:HMS Victory:
02:15:FredMarryat: m_cat is nuts. Lolz.
02:16:Ichiko: yeah, Nelson's got nothin to do with the copenhagen interpertation.
02:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:16:m_cat: Maybe we should push him overboard.
02:16:wilw: You want to push the most famous British naval hero of all time overboard?
02:16:HMS Victory:
02:16:Ichiko: Rock!
02:17:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Sounds like a plan. He's annoying.
02:17:wilw: He's a major NPC!
02:17:ILikeCheese: this is a mmo*RPG* killing rnadom npcs is the whole point
02:17:wilw: That's not true.
02:17:ILikeCheese: well that and lvling
02:17:wilw: It's like I'm in Hell.
02:17:m_cat: I'm putting you in charge of shutting him up, Wil.
02:18:wilw: Fine. I think he's walking randomly. Maybe we could herd him into the
02:18:wilw: fo'c'sle.
02:18:Cyan: Good plan. Where's the f'o'csel?
02:18:AmbrosiaSpike: I'm in.
02:18:wilw: Cyan, stand here.
02:18:Cyan: k
02:18:wilw: AmbrosiaSpike, stand here.
02:19:HMS Victory:
02:19:AmbrosiaSpike: kk
02:19:Cyan: Is he going to move?
02:19:AmbrosiaSpike: Stay on target.
02:20:wilw: Patience. The fo'c'sel is that area up front. Get him to the door.
02:20:HMS Victory:
02:21:wilw:Spike, move left!
02:21:AmbrosiaSpike: k
02:21:wilw: My left!
02:21:AmbrosiaSpike: Sry.
02:22:HMS Victory:
02:23:wilw: cyan left now
02:23:Cyan: I get it.
02:23:AmbrosiaSpike. I c now.
02:23:HMS Victory:
02:23:JeffVader: I'm free!
02:24:Cyan: Thank god.
02:24:m_cat: About time.
02:27:wilw: cyan move now
02:27:wilw: now
02:27:Cyan: Sry. Lag.
02:31:wilw: Yes!
02:31:Cyan: W00t!
02:31:AmbrosiaSpike: Victory for ZIM!
02:31:Ichiko: Rock!
02:32:ILikeCheese: we'da got xp for pushing him overboard
02:32:m_cat: Nelson
02:33:m_cat: Good work, Wil. You're First Lieutenant now.
02:35:CaptainPeacock: We're in the opean ocean!

We've got HMS Victory out of the harbor at Gibraltar and we're free. Tune in next time to see us pawn some knobs!

I'm concluding my review of Master and Commander: The Acheron's Call, a new, historically accurate MMORPG set in the Neapolitan Wars. In the first half, I talked about the really cool parts of the game. In this post, I cover some of the weaknesses. I have no doubt that some of them, nee nearly all of them, will be fixed in time. However, in fairness to anyone who decides to play, I should mention them here.

Drawbacks

In a move that is ill-advisedly stolen from Puzzle Pirates, if you want to take a ship to sea, you'll need a good crew. It's probably best to find people in your time zone who keep your hours. I got off to a rough start in this game because I didn't know this. I set out with a bunch of folks on board HMS Culloden, 74. We were five hours out of Liverpool when our sailing master went AFK "to make a sammich" and never came back.Two hours later one of our topmen started having DSL problems and had to disconnect. Then we lost the wind and were becalmed for a few hours. I'm pretty sure a bunch of the crew, and even one of the mids, switched over to doing MySpace or something like that and forgot about us. Then the Captain and the rest of the officers, who were all in Latvia, decided they needed to get to bed. This continued, and in the end the ship's cook, a carpenter's mate, and I brought the ship into a Port Royal. I've since taken advantage of this, though. One Sunday afternoon, wilw, ~~=Wm Norrington=~~ and I sailed together on the pro-French privateer vessel vVvBlAcKpEnGuInvVv, 24, out of Rio. We knew that most of the crew were in high school on the East Coast, so we just waited until they went to bed and then sailed the ship into Port Royal (a different one) and sold it. We actually pulled this trick a few times before people got wise, but by then I had enough zeny to buy the Speedy.

People are generally pretty good, but it does kinda suck to have to rely on everyone else. One time I was on HMS Unicorn, 46, we were totally about to pawn these two pirate ships when our gunner and one of our midshipmen went all Leroy Brown. Things fell apart pretty fast, and we barely made it back to Liverpool. Basically, it might not be a bad idea to not update your respawn point the first time you sail with a new group.

The cooking system has all the potential to be cool, but it's not yet. Most recipes start with six pounds of butter and four pounds of suet. If it's a salad, you also need a head of lettuce and a few other things, but otherwise you'll need more butter and suet, and a lot of meat. This doesn't seem that bad, until you realize that each French Midshipman you take down only has a 25% chance to drop one ounce of butter. That means you'll have to take down about 384 of them to get the butter you need for a salad. Fortunately, suet is a pretty common drop. Lettuce is way too common, though. I mean, Rather Large Squids have a 100% chance to drop one, and sometimes Merfolk Knights drop two.

Combat might be a little confusing for the uninitiated. It's not that bad when you are on land or doing SvS, but the chat pane during fleet actions can be a real mess. You've got private chats, messages between people near you on the ship, messages within your whole ship, shouts you can hear from nearby ships, and signal flags from every ship you can see.

Even though it's out of beta, there are still a few glitches. Last week wilw, FredMarryat, ~~=Wm Norrington=~~, and a few others of us snuck onboard HMS Victory, 104, which is intended to be an NPC ship. Unfortunately, they hadn't finished all of the code at the time. Every time you talked to Nelson, he'd say "What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?" So we cut the cables, set the sails, and took Victory out of port. We sailed around for like 36 hours before the dev team noticed, and we pawned knobs like you wouldn't believe. It was fun, but every so often somebody finds a glitch like that and exploits it.

Summary

This game has it all. It's historical accuracy, a variety of interesting roles, strategy, action, adventure, animal husbandry, resource management, and social interaction. Give it a try!

Just to show you how much fun this game can be, I'll post a few transcripts.

The first will be where we sail HMS Victory out of the docks and stir up some trouble. You get to see not only how cool the game is, but also how well the NPCs interact with you.

I've been playing a new MMORPG for the last few months, and it's just out of beta. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you Master and Commander: The Acheron's Call, which is sort of based on the movie Master and Commander.You can play a sailor in the Royal Navy, a privateer, or a pirate. You can get into trouble on shore or form a crew, get a ship, and sail the high seas!

Cool Features

If you like real-time strategy games, this is for you. This isn't technically real-time, though, since you can sail anywhere in the world in under 72 hours, unless you lose the wind, but it's fairly close. Ship-to-ship combat is quite detailed, and you can assume command of a fleet of PC or NPC ships to square off against your enemies.

Characters aren't limited by classes. Any character can learn any skill, but generally you want to be at least a little bit of a specialist. My crew right now, on the Speedy, has two gunners. xXxWill_NorringtonxXx has just about maxed out Powder Making, while Lady Turner-Norrington-Sparrow-Sephiroth-Potter has just about maxed out Cartridge Making. This way, we don't have live gunpowder in our hold until we actually need it. Then these two start spamming their skills and make as much as we can shoot. Also, the game designers have made sure that every skill is useful.

There's something for everyone. If you are a fan of console RPGs, there's a story you can follow along that involves a lot of fetch quests and talking to NPCs. If you are a fan of PC RPGs, you have stats, and you can kill the shopkeepers, smash barrels, and otherwise act like a psychopath until somebody else takes you down. If you are playing a Royal Marine, there's even a first-person shooter perspective during ship-to-ship combat, where you can snipe away at people on enemy vessels. There's even a Harvest Moon angle. You may not think that taking care of livestock is interesting, but you can bet that somebody does, and you need that somebody on your ship if you want to keep your officers fed and buffed. Fans of resource management aren't left out, either. Your ship needs all kinds of supplies, and somebody's got to buy them.

This leads to what will be another neat feature, the cooking system. I don't think they've go it quite fine-tuned yet, but the recipes are wonderfully complex, authentic, and sound and look delicious. Plus, you get some good stat boosts.

Some MMORPGs have rules against anyone having multiple accounts, or against anyone buying or selling accounts. Not so for MC:TAC. In fact, I just went down to Tortuga, where you can buy just about anything, and picked up a couple of extra characters that I can play. Plus, I got a chance to buy some of that tortuga soup. Mmmm... tortuga...

People, of course, can make or break a MMORPG. MC:TAC has a good group. Unlike most places, "I've been here since beta!" isn't Internet slang for "I'm an ass who can't play very well without outnumbering you 10 to 1." Sure, we've got our bozos, but all in all, it's a good community.

They haven't skimped on the historical accuracy, either. The GM and dev teams are all history buffs, and a few of them don't mind if you ask them questions. One time I accidentally attacked an American ship because I didn't bother to check their flags, and I got the crap knocked out of me. I checked with the dev team, and they said that this wasn't a bug. The ships were just really well-built and the crew was well-trained. It's kind of wacky to me to imagine that, back in the day, the USA made quality stuff. And they say games don't teach you anything!

Next time, I'll introduce the drawbacks. There aren't that many of them.

I've been having a little trouble with my plans for monkey piracy. The MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) and RIAA threatened to sue me for piracy, but oddly enough the Monkey/Primate Association of America didn't. These suits failed because they couldn't find a single judge who was willing to handle a lawsuit against a cute kitty cat over monkey piracy. The fact that neither the MPAA nor the RIAA actually owned the concept of a monkey as intelectual property didn't enter into things. A judge would be all set to go when I'd send him or her a link to my monkey piracy post, where you can find a picture of my cute little face, and suddenly the suit was off. Eventually the RIAA and MPAA sent me letters of apology, explaining that they had nothing against me, hadn't actually read my post, and simply made a habit of suing the pants off any new copying technology. Presumably the fact that I don't wear pants made their plans a little more difficult, but I suspect it was mostly my face.

I've had another important problem. I need an original monkey to begin my plans, and those are hard to come by. I've tried talking with officials at the San Francisco Zoo, and they seemed less than thrilled. I explained that I only wanted to borrow the monkey, but they still said no. I then explained that it my plan was merely to duplicate the monkey - if I accidentally ate it, they could always use the backup. They didn't take this idea seriously at all.

As a result, I've been trying out means of pirating other foods. In particular, I've been looking into burning luncheon meats. The MonkeyCopy drives don't work too well with this, but they work substantially better than either of the other two systems I've tested. The MonkeyCopy MR and MW+ drives accepted the ham with no trouble. I guess this isn't a shock, since they are designed to hold entire monkeys. I built my own third-party adapters to hold the ham in place, but the MonkeyBurn software still said the drives were empty. Nothing I did would make the software detect the ham, even after dismantling the computer and reinstalling the operating system. I'm not posting from that computer.

I'm sad to say that I can only give the slot-loading Apple 8x Super Drive (DVD+-RW/CD-RW) a single Paw out of five for its handling of a slice of salami. I've seen it read CDs, DVDs, VCDs, and PS1 disks, but the salami was clearly beyond its ability. It appeared to accept the salami, but then there was a sort of sucking noise and then some grinding and bubbling. I couldn't get the salami to mount under OS X, even when I went to the terminal and tried plain Unix.

Much the same can be said about the SuperMulti double-layer drive on the Toshiba. I had to trim the bologna to fit into the drive, and after a few squishing sounds Windows informed me that it had detected a brand of head cheese not certified by Microsoft. It warned me that luncheon meats that are not Microsoft-certified can pose a risk of spyware. Then it crashed. I can't fault the SuperMulti for this, since I was using Windows. It made some disgusting noises while rebooting, and from then on it refused to recognize the drive. When I queried Windows, I got the error "Windows does not wish to think about the state of its internal DVD system. Please stop asking."

I did a little Internet research and found some evidence that most optical drives have trouble supporting luncheon meats. My thanks to T. Vin for this experiment. If only I'd seen it earlier. At least now the air smells of cooked meats. It's rather festive.

I signed up for Technorati last night. I've been hearing about it for a while now, but I had no idea what that was. If you know me at all, you'll know I don't like not knowing stuff. My initial suspicion was that "Technorati" was a compound formed from "techno," a kind of music that the kids are into these days, and "rati," the plural of the Latin "rattus," or "rat."

"Why might one combine techo and rats?" I asked myself. The most logical explanation is that Technorati is the actualization of what altavista.digital.com (these days just known as www.altavista.com) wanted to be - a franchise that provides fine dining and music. At worst, an evening at a Technorati establishment might mean me eating Baldrick's rat au van and listening to Prodigy. At best, it would mean me making several trips to the rat bar where I pick my rat(s), sauce(s), and additional meat garnishes and have the chef combine them in some amazing way, all while I listen to Silly Wizard or Die Krupps. Except for Prodigy, how could I lose? This, unfortunately, was not the case.

"Why else might one combine techno and rats?" I asked myself. The most logical answer, although certainly not the one that is most likely to spring to mind, is that "Technorati" is an example of analogical word formation: just as someone formed "gliteralati" from "glitter" and "literalati" or "commentariat" from "commentator" and "commissariat," a group of shoujo-loving tech-savvy rodents formed Technorati from TechnoGirls. For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, the TechnoGirls provide fan-translated shoujo anime that corporate entities are unlikely to release in the United States. Thinking of this was difficult because it required a major ontological shift - that of rats as content to be consumed to rats as content producers. As lovely an idea as this may be, it's total Bush.

More through research indicates that "Technorati" is formed from "techno," meaning "technology," and "rati," which is platypus slang that is nearly identical to the English word "otaku" (not to be confused with the Japanese word "お宅," which has a perjurative connotation). That's right, the Technorati are a group of young, hip, tech-savvy plats (also platypus slang, to which I'm totally flim) who spend their time indexing blogs and, at least in the case of males, occasionally envenomating people with the little spurs on their legs. I guess this means that my future posts had better not spen. I'm not too worried, since (a) I'm 110% awesome and (b) as I said, I'm flim to plat culture and lingo.

I got into an online argument with a fanatical opponent of free software and copyleft, and I completely ripped him a new one. My arguments were far more cogerent than anything he could muster, and it was just a bloodbath. I sent the transcript to Boing Boing, since they used to be interested in this kind of thing. I was totally prepared to be rejected, since plenty of people rip anti-free-software people new ones every day. It's not really new or exciting, and Boing Boing specialized in new and exciting things. What I wasn't prepared for was the automated reply I got just a few minutes later. It informed me that my submission did not mention "remixed," "transit map," or "anagram," so it wasn't really likely to be a "wonderful thing." It also explained that the Boing Boing staff might eventually get around to reviewing it, but that they were busy recovering from a bout of laughter after reading the remix of LA's Red Line. "`Modest Nuns Tavern!' That's the funniest thing *EVER*!!!1!一!" the message said.

I did some digging on this and I'm going to make sure that everyone out there knows how to make one of these amazing hot new anagram remixes of a transit map or other photo. You'd think it's hard, judging from the attention it is getting on Boing Boing, but with the handy Miss Kitty's Guide to Making Amazing Hot New Anagram Remixes of a Transit Map or Other Photo Guide, you'll be making them faster than the Boing Boing staff can fall out of their chairs with laughter. Here's how you do it.

1. Find an image of a transit map. You might be saying, "No way can I find such a thing! I see why these anagram maps are so hot!" Well, with this handy Google hack, you can find bunches of them. Go to this link: http://images.google.com/images?q=subway+map&hl=en&btnG=Search+Images and you are set. Thank goodness for Google hacks.
   
2. Now go ahead and download that image. Odds are good that it will be in a format that some kind of graphics editing software can handle. If not, you may need to use your mad hacking zkills to convert it into a format that graphics editing software can handle.
   
3. Once you have it in a format that graphics editing software can handle, fire up your graphics editing software. If you don't have any, you can probably find it through yet another Google hack: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=graphics+editing+software&btnG=Search.
   
4. Depending on how much memory (known to people with mad hacking szills as "REM") your graphics editing software takes up, you might want to swap this step with the one above. Anyhow, you'll need an anagram generator. Again, you might say, "But Miss Kitty, don't anagram generators sell for thousands of dollars? Is making amazingly hot anagram maps really worth thousands of dollars?" Well, that might have been true in the bad old days before Google hacking. Now the more perceptive of you will know what I'm going to suggest at this point. Yep, it's another Google hack, and it's so good that pretty soon even the ultra-rich will be throwing out whole drawers full of old anagram generators. However, I'm not going to just post a link to it. That's not fair to you. You should learn to hack Google yourself. Improve your mad Google hacking skzlls! Here's how:
   1. Go to www.google.com
      
   2. Click on the text entry field (to the left of the button that says "Search!").
      
   3. Use your keyboard or other text entry device to enter the text "anagram generator" (with or without the quotation marks).
      
   4. Press the "Enter" or "Return" or some such key on your text entry device or use the mouse to click the "Search!" button to the right of the text entry field.
      
   5. Revel in awe of your mad Google hacking skizzs.
   
   
5. Look at the names on the transit map and type some of them into your newly found anagram generator. Maybe write them down: make a table in which one column is "Words Originally on the Map" and "Anagrams of Those Words" and fill it with words originally on the map and anagrams of those words. You don't need to put much thought into this step. The anagrams you come up with don't really have to be that funny. "Ah jerk thumps" is just as likely to get you Boing-Boinged as the more carefully crafted humor of "Ah jerks thump."
   
6. Use your graphics editing software to cut and paste the letters of the words on the map so that they look like anagrams for those words.
   
7. Submit your map to Boing Boing. How? Well, you might expect this to involve a Google hack. Not so! Instead, you can rely on my mad Boing Boing hacking zzzzzs: behold the instructions!
   
8. Wallow in your new-found Internet fame.

I've got a new plan to make me rich and full at the same time. I'm going to pirate monkeys. All I need are a MonkeyCopy MR drive, an MW+ drive, and a copy of the MonkeyBurn 2.0 software. Oh, yeah. I'll also need a box of blank monkeys. I'll also need one original monkey, but that can be a loaner. I've heard that MonkeyBurn is easy to use. The tutorial from www.monkeyburner.com goes as follows:

Insert original monkey into the MR drive. If you are using Unix, you might have to type something like "mount /dev/mky0 /mnt/monkey." Don't quote us on that, though. The last time any of us used Unix was in 1979.

Insert blank monkey into the MW+ drive. Again, if you are using Unix, try something along the lines of "mount /dev/mky1 /mnt/blankmonkey." If that doesn't work, we think you should try something like "mount /dev/mky1 /mnt/blankmonkey --pentalty=installWindows."

MonkeyBurn 2.0 should already have been running. We kind of forgot to mention that earlier. If it isn't, you'll have to reboot and start over. If you are using Linux and anyone calls you on this, just say you are recompiling the kernel to make your system even more efficient.

MonkeyBurn should automatically detect which drive has the original monkey and which has the blank, in part because you should already have the original in the MR drive and the blank in the MW+ drive and in part because both drives have gyroscopes that tell when they contain an angry monkey. If this does not work, you might need to uninstall MonkeyBurn, remove the monkeys from the drives, disconnect the drives from your computer, turn your computer off, disconnect it from any sort of power supply, rip its guts out, throw them back in, reconnect the power, turn it back on, reconnect the drives, reinstall the monkeys, and reinstall MonkeyBurn. If you are using a Unix system, contact your sysadmin instead. If you are the admin for a Unix machine, we are very, very sorry.

Once MonkeyBurn has detected the correct MonkeyCopy drives, press the "Duplicate Monkey" button. No. The one on the screen. Click the one on the screen. Not the keyboard. What did we just tell you? No, the scr-- Not with your finger! Use the mouse. Yes, move the mouse so the little arrow on the screen is over the little box on the screen that says "Duplicate Monkey" and click the left mouse button. No, your other left. My left. Whatever. Mac users should have this a lot easier, what with most of their mice having only one button. What? How can you have a mouse without a button? Try rocking it or something. Yeah, squeeze the sides. That makes sense. Sure. If you are doing this on a laptop with a pointing nub, touchpad, or trackball, go to Hell.

You can tell that the MonkeyCopy drives are working because you will hear sounds coming from them. The drives themselves operate silently, but the monkeys tend not to like the copying or burning processes. That's what you are hearing. When the sounds die down, you should see a little window that says, "Burn complete." Your burn is now complete. You should have a duplicate monkey in the MW+ drive. Please note that this duplicate copy is for use as a backup only, should you eat or lose your original. If you do not own the original, use the duplicate only for educational purposes and be sure to "delete" it within 24 hours.

What can be simpler? I borrow a monkey, duplicate it, and return it. I duplicate the duplicate, and since MonkeyBurn 2.0 is 100% digital, I can duplicate duplicates without loss of quality. I can eat some and sell the others.

I'm very full of food at the moment. I didn't really want to be this full when I started, but there was a lot in my bowl, and I thought, "Miss Kitty, how would you feel if some poor starving cat who doesn't read your journal managed to get inside and eat some of your food, just so it could have the energy to crawl another few feet? You'd never forgive yourself." So, as you can see, I had to eat all of the food.

In unrelated news, I'm thinking of buying my own domain name. More and more cats are getting on the Internet, and I don't want another one taking my domain name. Unfortunately, I don't have any ideas for what the name should be. Any help?