You may have heard that Forbes has declared war on bloggers, since so many bloggers have the audacity to say nasty things about nasty corporations. Well, just a few days after posting my review of Whisker Lickin's, I find a card from Forbes with the ominous title "BUSINESS REPLY MAIL" in bold. It exhorts me to reply today and informs me that I could save about $100 if I just send them $29.95.

One of the dirty tricks that Forbes suggests to fight bloggers is to threaten pointless, unjustified lawsuits over quotations from products that are used as part of a review. I'm not too eager to get sued, so rather than give Forbes an excuse to attack me for quoting from them, I'm going to make up the rest of the text on their card. As I see it, the card reads:

BUSINESS REPLY MAIL. Reply Today!


Miss Kitty,
We at Forbes Magazine are outraged that you endorsed one particular kitty treat when there are so many kitty treats on the market today. We are particularly concerned that treats such as Forbes Bits-o-Magazine Kat Bites and Fancy Feast Celery & Garlic Chunks will be put at an unfair disadvantage in the market because of your underhanded tactics. However, we feel that this gross violation of all that is right in the world can be fixed if you send us $129.74. As a special deal, we will let you save about $100! Just pay $29.95. You Save^* $99.79.



^*We believe the asterisk has the legal meaning of "Psych!" and are using it in a good-faith attempt to trick you into thinking you are saving money. Psych!

Ha, suckers! Forbes can't possibly sue me for making all of this text up and attributing it to them. Psych!

If this situation bothers you, feel free to contact the editors at readers@forbes.com.




^*They never actually explained what the asterisk meant on their card. Seriously.

It is generally accepted that house cats (Felis domesticus) are the most fearsome predators on the face of this planet, although anyone who has ever been to China's Great Wall and dealt with the people who sell tee shirts there knows otherwise. I was a card-owning lifetime member of the Order of Felis domesticant, at least until political machinations and wheels within wheels led me to be scratched from their roster. Nevertheless, I still consider myself a member and make a point of sitting on my official Felix domesticus paper bag on cat holidays. As such, it disturbs me greatly to learn that for the past 19 years there has been a predator on this planet that has cats high up on its to-eat list. Yes, I'm speaking of Gordon Shumway, known to his feline foes as ALF. As if the Miss Kitty Institute for the Destruction of Stealth Chickens didn't have its hands full with stealth chickens and poop elves! Now I guess we're going to have to go after this ALF, too. Thus far the Institute has developed a stealth suit and a chicken detector. I can see an obvious use for the suit, but I'm not sure how I can use the chicken detector against elves or ALF. The detector does work, though. It informs me that we have a stealth chicken hiding in our freezer. I've looked in there when the freezer door has been open and I haven't seen anything that looks like chicken, so I assume it's completely invisible.

I'm thinking that since we've sunk a lot of time and money into R&D for the detector, we might be able to expand upon the basic design and make a "foes of m_cat" detector. To do this, however, I'll need some test subjects. If any of you could capture (live or preserved in spirit) a specimen of any of the following, I'd be most pleased:

• poop elves
  
• ALF
  
• Walter Cronkite
  
• the board of directors for Cat Fancy magazine
  
• Rick Santorum
  
• Karl Rove
  
• Orson Scott Card
  
• Gregor Mendel

Fortunately, I have learned that I am not alone in the dark. There is apparently a consortium in Japan dedicated to the destruction of ALF, and they have made documentaries on this monster available on DVD. Once I get some more cash, I'm going to get a few episodes of this Those Who Hunt ALF.

From the Miss Kitty Institute for the Elimination of My Enemies, thank you for your support.

The laptop is finally fixed and I can get on the internet and I see that MIT's Bonehead-at-Large, Marilee Jones, has decided that people who need medication for things like depression shouldn't come to MIT. She's cool with people who need help walking, talking, breathing, or seeing. She's cool with people who could die if they eat something with peanuts. She's okay with Jessica Simpson (except that she has "special pheromones and stuff" that will make her want to be just like every other woman) and Walter Cronkite. She's okay with the Swift Boat Veterans the VC Are Glad They Didn't Kill. However, if you need to take an antidepressant, you shouldn't be at MIT. I know my commenting on this is sort of bringing out the big intelectual guns, but she's a fucking nutcase. People like that make me sick to my cute little stomach.