Fleet Action off the Southwest Coast of Spain

Part 3
In which the actual pawnzorationing of knobs takes place.

After that last round of psyching ourselves up, nothing much happened for maybe 20 minutes. We talked about Chairman Mao and some other stuff until a little after noon, when things finally got good again.

12:14:Cyan: Yeah, but if even the dude who delivered your enchiladas has heard of
12:14:HAPPYTIGER:
12:14:Cyan: Chairman Mao, and you haven't, we can safely say that you are just ignorant.
12:14:LoneWolf: NO WAI! that's obscure trivia
12:14:m_cat: Signal the fleet: Pawnzoriate the knobs!
12:14:Ichiko:
12:14:BillTehCat: Can I just say "Pwn them?" It's in the signal book.
12:14:HahnSolo1983 (Quarterdeck): The filter doesn't work like I thought.
12:14:m_cat: MAke it so.
12:14:HAPPYTIGER:
12:14:BillTehCat: pwn them, aye.
12:14:FredMarryat (Quarterdeck): Yeah, it just cuts words.
12:14:m_cat (Quarterdeck): How does she type it so fast?
12:15:Speedy:
12:15:HahnSolo1983 (Quarterdeck): She's probably got it hotkeyed
12:15:StephenJAubrey (Quarterdeck): how dod you do that?
12:15:HAPPYTIGER:
12:15:HahnSolo1983 (Quarterdeck): type / define and then the number you want and then "what you want"
12:15:FredMarryat (Quarterdeck): Cool.
12:15:FredMarryat: / define 1 "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather_gauge, n00b"
12:15:FredMarryat: Sorry!
12:16:HAPPYTIGER:
12:16:BillTehCat: HAPPYTIGER just spoiled the next episode of BSG
12:16:StephenJAubrey: What was that?
12:16:HahnSolo1983: What happens?
12:16:CaptainPeacock: WTF?
12:16:Cylon: wtf whos shootin?
12:16:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: xXxEnterprisexXx fired one gun
12:16:m_cat: Signal xXxEnterprisexXx: cease fire.
12:16:BillTehCat: Cease fire, aye.
12:16:Cylon: n00bz
12:17:Speedy:
12:17:xXxEnterprisexXx:
12:17:m_cat: What did they say?
12:17:BillTehCat: I cant' use Translate Signals until I finish up sending these ones.
12:17:Cylon: fuck man ima get translate signals next lvl u suck
12:17:BillTehCat: Hell, I'll just look it up online.
12:17:Speedy:
12:18:BillTehCat: xXxEnterprisexXx signals "Leroy Jenkins on board. Sry."
12:18:m_cat: Affirmative.
12:18:Cylon: n00b
Filter in place for user Cylon
Words: n00b n00b! n00bs n00bz n00bs! n00bz!
12:18:m_cat: Time for bathroom breaks if you need them.
12:18:Cylon:
12:18:HahnSolo1983: Anyone played "I've GOt a Gun"?
12:19:Cylon: ??
12:19:HahnSolo1983: It's a new FPS/RPG hybrid.
12:19:LoneWolf: pc or console?
12:19:HahnSolo1983: Wii.
12:19:LoneWolf: il bet it sux. wii+console rpg ftl
12:19:HahnSolo1983: Well, it's sort of a hybrid of PC and console RPG games, too.
12:19:HahnSolo1983: There *is* a plot. You have an actual *character* rather than just
12:19:LoneWolf: yep sux
12:19:HahnSolo1983: an arm holding a gun, but you can also kill anyone, at any time, for
12:19:LoneWolf: hmm...
12:20:HahnSolo1983: any reason at all. Even during cut scenes.
12:20:LoneWolf: ne1? gotta b merchants
12:20:BillTehCat: He's right. Legally, you can't use the term RPG unless you can kill
12:20:HahnSolo1983: Let me put it this way. I killed the doctor who was fixing me up my
12:20:BillTehCat: shopkeepers.
12:20:BillTehCat: lolz
12:21:HahnSolo1983: first play through. And yes, you can kill merchants.
12:21:LoneWolf: sweet
12:21:HahnSolo1983: Usually if you want to skip plot you have to click through a bunch
12:21:HahnSolo1983: of dialog. With I've Got a Gun, you tear through it, guns blazing.
12:21:LoneWolf: thats the 1st game i want to have lotsa cut scenes
12:21:Cylon: Anyone played Jug Band?
12:21:FredMarryat: What?
12:22:LoneWolf: jug band roxz0rz!!! i play spoonz
12:22:LoneWolf: is like rock band but jug band
12:22:*+*Legolas*+*: What is a jug band?
12:22:LoneWolf: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jug_band
12:22:FredMarryat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jug_band
12:22:LoneWolf: haha 1st
12:23:Cylon: I got the Action Pack, which includes washtub bass, spoons, kazoo, jug,
12:23:Cylon: banjo, guitar, washboard, harmonica, and guimbarde.
12:23:LoneWolf: basic pkg is jug spoons and guitar.
12:23:StephenJAubrey:<kosh>And so it begins</kosh>
12:23:*+*Legolas*+*: big guns on that one
12:23:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: yeah, ATeamVan looks nasty
12:23:Cylon: ateamvan cant shoot 4 shit
12:23:Cylon: firin 2 soon
12:23:HahnSolo1983: Hey, there's goign to be Jug Band for the Wii!
12:24:m_cat:Take us across ATeamVan's bow.
12:24:CaptainPeacock: Aye, sir
12:24:AmbrosiaSpike: Take a reef out of the mainsail!
12:24:Galactica69:
12:24:Galactica69:
12:24:Galactica69:
12:24:Galactica69:
12:24:LoneWolf: more polys on 360
12:24:Galactica69:
12:24:Galactica69:
12:24:Galactica69:
12:25:Galactica69:
12:25:AmbrosiaSpike: Somebodys got a real signal midshipman!
12:25:Galactica69:
12:25:BillTehCat: STFU
12:25:BillTehCat: Galactica69 signals, "ATeamVan sux."
12:25:FredMarryat: ROFL
12;25:HahnSolo1983: So it's easier to see that the art designers suck?
12:26:wilw: Hey, everybody.
12:26:Ichiko:
12:26:m_cat: Hey, Wil
12:26:Cylon: sup
12:26:DiscoWizard: hi wilw
12:26:ElfOfDeepshadow: glad ur finally here
12:26:SirLordBaronVonVaderham: welcome back
12:26:LoneWolf: willw u no who Chaimran Mao is?
12:27:FredMarryat: Hola, Wil.
12:27:ATeamVan:
12:27:StephenJAubrey: How you been?
12:27:wilw: Of course I know who Chairman Mao is.
12:27:Ichiko: Told you.
12:27:LoneWolf: u read 2 much
12:27:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: hi
12:27:HahnSolo1983: When will we be in range of ATeamVan?
12:27:wilw: I just made Jug Band my bitch with a washboard.
12:27:CaptainPeacock: about six mnutes minutes
12:27:DiscoWizard: thats enough for another round of katamari damacy brb
12:28:m_cat: dangit, DiscoWizard!
12:28:Cylon: agammenon gets 1 broadside in like 5 minutes those
12:28:DiscoWizard: ok, fine
12:28:FredMarryat: Lolz
12:28:HahnSolo1983: We get, what?
12:28:JeffVader: Like 3 in 5
12:28:m_cat: Venner, can one of your songs make us go faster?
12:28:Venner: Yep, "Rolling Down to Old Maui."
12:29:CaptainPeacock: Sweet thx
12:29:Venner: No problem.
12:29:Cylon: so shantymans r useful aftr all
12:29:Venner: Hold on, I think my Double Iron Concertina +7 would work better for this.
12:30:Ichiko: our shantymans, let me show you them
12:30:Cylon: venner u munch
12:30:Venner: Look, I've got one job on this ship
12:30:Venner: and I'm going to do it, okay?
12:30:Venner: It's a rough, tough life of toil and strife we whalemen undergo
12:30:Cylon: we just want buff not lyrics,
12:30:Venner: Uncultured lubber
12:30:Cylon: venner ur notmunch ur rper
12:31:m_cat: The Articles of War for this server say no excessive roleplaying.
12:31:CaptainPeacock: Awesome almost there
12:31:PatDemonKill (ATeamVan): How are you gentlemen!!
12:31:Ichiko (Speedy): stfu
12:31:Cylon (Speedy): STFU
12:31:DiscoWizard: SHUT UP!
12:31:Venner: Can somebody snipe him?
12:31:LoneWolf: on it
12:31:PatDemonKill (ATeamVan): All your base are belong to us.
12:31:JeffVader: Fucko ff or I'll kill you with this tray!
12:31:SirLordBaronVonVaderham (Speedy): Fuck off, or I'll kill you with this tray!
12:31:JeffVader: damn
12:31:Vados: Score!
12:31:LoneWolf: pwnt
12:31:Venner: Thanks.
12:31:Ichiko:
12:32:Vados: No prob
12:32:Cylon (Speedy): j00
12:32:Venner: Hey, why is it that hailing range is greater than musket
12:32:Venner: range, and both are greater than cannon range?
12:32:Bl4ck4ddz0r: i heard theyr going to fix that before betas' over
12:32:m_cat: STARBOARD GUNS FIRE!
12:32:Ichiko:
12:32:ElfOfDeepshadow: damn missed
12:32:DiscoWizard: w00t hit
12:32:ElfOfDeepshadow: u only hit mizzensail
12:32:*+*Legolas*+*: w00t hit mizzenMAST
12:32:ATeamVan:
12:32:*+*Legolas*+*: booya
12:33:SirLordBaronVonVaderham: ATeamVan didn't miss that time
12:33:BillTehCat: ATeamVan signals the whole stupid "All your base" thing, whihc I'm not going to recite.
12:33:m_cat: Good man.
BillTehCat has received 5,000 xp from the Captain.
12:33:*+*Legolas*+*: damn, last save point is buenos aires
12:33:-+-Kefka-+-: gun crew needs officer badly
12:33:*+*Legolas*+*: ne1 have res item?
12:33:Cylon: j00  res bottles dont work yet
12:33:m_cat: wilw, can you get beclow and command the gun crews?
12:33:wilw: No problem
12:33:*+*Legolas*+*: sry
12:33:-+-Kefka-+-: thx wilw
12:33:LoneWolf: heal plx
12:33:DiscoWizard: haha hit below waterline
12:33:LoneWolf: nm 2 late
12:34:iHEARTviggo: phone afk
12:34:-+-Kefka-+-: haha no jib 4 j00
12:34:m_cat: Marines concentrate on their riflemen
12:34:69MuSaShI69: np
12:34:+STriDer+ (ATeamVan): how u shoot cannon so fast?
12:34:m_cat: (Speedy): practice
12:34:+STriDer+ (ATeamVan): nowai ur haxiing
12:34:+STriDer+ (ATeamVan): i tell gm
12:34:ElfOfDeepshadow (Speedy): hax this
12:34:ElfOfDeepshadow: pwnt
12:35:VampyrePajamas: Nice use of cannister shot
12:35:69MuSaShi69: thx like half their 1/4dek dead
12:35:Cylon: gj
12:3:iHEARTviggo: shit i just got fired
12:35:ATeamVan:
12:35:wilw: Gun crews need cartridges badly.
12:35:Lady Turner-Norrington-Sparrow-Sephiroth-Potter: sry, was on AIM
12:35:m_cat: Are you supposed to be working today, iHEARTviggo?
12:35:ATeamVan:
12:36:iHEARTviggo: I guess I was.
12:36:GM-Barbossa: What's going on?
12:36:m_cat (GM Channel): ATeamVan thinks 3 broadsides in 5 minutes is cheating
12:36:+STriDer+ (GM Channel): speedy is haxing
12:36:Agamemnon:
12:36:BillTehCat: Agamemon signals "Heal plz"
12:36:GM-Barbossa: Speedy has better gunners. Make your time, ATeamVan.
12:36:VampyrePajamas: Damn, we needed that mast!
12:37:CaptainPeacock: Rudder doesn't answer!
12:37:Chandley:
12:37:Bl4ck4ddz0r: i tkae ur bra off
12:37:ElfOfDeepshadow: WTF?
12:37:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Rudder's shot away
12:37:CaptainPeacock: X(
12:37:Bl4ck4ddz0r: sry wrong chat
12:37:+STriDer+ (ATeamVan): pwnt j00!!
12:37:ElfOfDeepshadow: battle now, cyber later.
12:37:Cylon (Speedy): even  get lucky sometime
12:37:Bl4ck4ddz0r: battle? all I do is hit f1 to swab gun every 1.5 minutes
12:37:wilw: Wives and sweethearts later. Don't make me quote the Articles of War.
12:37:KawaiiNekoHimeChanSama: I've got this pain in my leg.
12:37:Bl4ck4ddz04: all i do is hit f1
12:37:Chandley:
12:37:wilw: We gave better than we got:
12:38:wilw: looks like they took 3 below the waterline,
12:38:wilw: some rigging cut,
12:38:wilw: rudder damaged,
12:38:wilw: 1-2 guns hit.
12:38:Chandley:
12:38:Agamemnon:
12:38:BillTehCat: Agamemnon signals "Heal plx"
12:38:LoneWolf: ha shot their captin
12:38:wilw: KawaiiNekoHimeChanSama? You okay?
12:38:Venner: Should I switch from a speed song to an attack song?
12:38:wilw: Reloading buff, please.
12:38:m_cat: Reloading buff, Venner.
12:38:Venner: "Leaving of Liverpool" it is.
12:38:Cylon: wat evr jus don sng
12:38:Chandley:
12:38:wilw: Much appreciated.
12:39:BillTehCat: Chandley signals, "Iron Man is awesome."
12:39:StephenJAubrew (Quarterdeck): The carpenter says we have 3' water in the well.
12:39:wilw: The buff, that is.
12:39:xXxEnterprisexXx:
12:39:m_cat (to VampyrePajamas): How bad is it?
12:39:Dark Star:
12:39:BillTehCat: xXxEnterprisexXx acknowledges.
12:39:VampyrePajamas (to you): Water's four feet high and rising.
12:39:BillTehCat: Dark Star, too.
12:40:m_cat (Quarterdeck): HahnSolo1983, get some people at the pumps. Stat.
12:40:Agamemnon:
12:40:HahnSolo1983 (Quarterdeck): Stat aye, sir.
12:40:BillTehCat: Agamemnon signals "Heal pl0x"
12:40:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: Hildegarde's doing a number on Agamemnon
12:40:HahnSolo1983: Not sure who's commanding, but it'sno John Sheridan
12:41:FredMarryat: Lulz
12:41:wilw: KawaiiNekoHimeChanSama?

The fight went on for another half hour or so. Agamemnon struck at 12:47, and pretty much nobody could maneuver by 12:58, but we managed to carry the day. It took us another hour to get enough sail to take possession of our prizes, and then another two days to get back to Buenos Aires, pick up *+*Legolas*+* and a few others up, and sell the four ships.

The butcher's bill wasn't that bad. I think three people got fired, one missed a job interview, one missed the SAT and one missed the GRE, four people forgot to update their respawn points and got sent back to Buenos Aires again, and we still haven't heard anything else from KawaiiNekoHimeChanSama.

As you can see, this game has plenty of action. In fact, it's got so much action that games like StarCraft just can't compare.

Fleet Action off the Southwest Coast of Spain

Part 2
In which the action heats up and we prepare for battle.

Combat hasn't started yet, but you can see my elite crew begin to psych themselves up and get into the right mindset in this short usurpt. Note the results of my amazing leadership skills.

11:47:m_cat: All right! Time to pawn some knobs!
11:47:Ichiko: Rock!
11:47:m_cat: ...Sure.
11:47:m_cat: Signal the fleet: JAFFA! KREE!
11:47:StephenJAubrey (Quarterdeck): that's like 8 times today shes said rock!
11:47:BillTehCat: Kree, aye.
11:47:FredMarryat (Quarterdeck): Just set up a filter.
11:47:HahnSolo1983 (Quarterdeck): How?
11:47:StephenJAubrey (Quarterdeck): srsly? how?
11:47:FredMarryat (Quarterdeck): type / filter (one word) then
11:47:FredMarryat (Quarterdeck): Ichiko then {words you want to filter}
Filter in place for user Ichiko
Words: Rock!
11:48:m_cat (Quarterdeck): Thanks.
11:48:HahnSolo1983 (Quarterdeck): Thanks!
11:48:Speedy:
11:48:VampyrePajamas: Yeah, so anyhow, no shit, there I was,.
11:48:VampyrePajamas: trying to get out of the Ukraine.
11:48:VampyrePajamas: My friend had Northern and Southern Europe
11:49:Speedy:
11:49:VampyrePajamas: Too many armies in Ural, Afghanistan, and Middle East
11:49:FredMarryat: OMG, what ever did you do?
11:49:VampyrePajamas: I had to take Scandinavia and Iceland to get to
11:49:Speedy:
11:49:VampyrePajamas: Greenland.
11:50:Speedy:
11:50:FredMarryat: My word, what a struggle that must have been!
11:50:VampyrePajamas: You have no idea. Scandinavia had like VI armies on it!
11:50:FredMarryat: Good God, man! How could you take that risk?
11:50:m_cat (to FredMarryat): You're making it worse.
11:50:VampyrePajamas: Well, I threw all my troops into it, picked up the dice,
11:50:FredMarryat (to you): Sorry. At least it's not about LARPs anymore.
11:51:Speedy:
11:51:m_cat (to BillTehCat): How much xp do you need to max out Send Signals?
11:51:VampyrePajamas: and rolled a six and a four.
11:51:VampyrePajamas: Dave rolled a three and a one! I'm, like, "score, sucker!
11:51:BillTehCat (to you): sorry - two more levels, maybe 35,000 xp
11:51:Speedy:
11:52:VampyrePajamas: So now I'm in Scandanvaia, and it's just Iceland in my way.
11:52:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Pizza delivery - AFK
11:52:VampyrePajamas: Dude on Iceland is like, "Oh, shit!"
11:52:Speedy:
11:53:~~=Wm Norrington=~~:Mmm... octuple meat with a cheese-stuffed crust
11:53:StephenJAubrey: octupal meat? WTF?
11:53:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: It's awesome. There's beef, pork, chicken,
11:53:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: sausage
11:53:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: hamburger, i guess
11:53:Speedy:
11:53:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: bacon
11:53:Speedy:
11:54:VampyrePajamas: Aren't those both beef?
11:54:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: ostrich
11:54:BillTehCat: Hey, when do you use a pooled t-test?
11:54:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: really?
11:54:HahnSolo1983: That's what hamburger usually is.
11:54:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: and duck
11:54:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Oh, I thought you were talking about bacon.
11:54:HAPPYTIGER:
11:54:FredMarryat: When elements of your data come in pairs, like before and after
11:55:m_cat: I commandeer this pizza in the name of Great Britain.
01:55:FredMaryat: or left hand/right hand or something like that.
11:55:m_cat: and Northern Ireland.
11:55:JeffVader: Do you have a flag?
11:55:m_cat: Yes.

Fleet Action off the Southwest Coast of Spain

Part 1
In which we have discovered a strange fleet.

Since the logs of the time we stole HMS Victory seem fairly popular, I thought I'd share with you even more of our amazing adventures. This one took place a day or so after rollback.

06:07:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: Sails two points off starboard bow!
06:07:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Sweet.
06:07:m_cat: How many?
06:07:FredMarryat: We have the weather gauge. ROFL
06:07:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: Three, I think.
06:07:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: pwnt
06:07:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: Make that four. One is quite small, and the other three don't look that big.
06:07:*+*Legolas*+*: Wppt!
06:07:*+*Legolas*+*: ^W00t!
06:07:Cylon: wtf is whether gage?
06:07:FredMarryat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather_gauge, n00b
06:08:Cylon: stfu
06:08:FredMarryat: STFU, n00b!
06:08:m_cat: Belay that STFUing!
06:08:Cylon: sry
06:08:FredMarrayt: Sorry.
06:08:m_cat: Signal the fleet: Form order of sailing in two columns.
06:08:BillTehCat: two columns aye
06:09:JackVincent: So did anybody catch the last episode of Lost?
06:09:Cylon: that was awesome where do they come up with this stuff??
06:09:JackVincent: Crack?
06:09:JeffVader: Know what's so great about crack?
06:10:JeffVader: It's crack!
06:10:Speedy:
06:10:iHEARTviggo: im dl'ing lost now don't spoil
06:10:JackVincent: sry
06:10:Cylon: so you don't want me to tell you who died
06:10:Cylon: just kidding
06:11:HAPPYTIGER:
06:11:BillTehCat: HAPPYTIGER acknowledges
06:11:Hildegarde:
06:11:BillTehCat: Hildegarde acknowledges
06:11:Galactica69:
06:11:xXxEnterprisexXx:
06:12:BillTehCat: Galactica69 and xXxEnterprisexXx acknowledge
06:12:m_cat: Starboard watch, go below and get some food. Be back in 15 minutes.
06:12:iHEARTviggo: aye SIR!
06:12:Britannica:
06:12:m_cat: Port watch on deck!
06:12:Ichiko: Rock!
06:12:BillTehCat: Finally, Brittanica acknowledges
06:12:Ichiko: ^Aye, sir!
06:12:m_cat: Signal the fleet: Bear up and sail on course ENE.
06:12:BillTehCat: course ENE aye.
06:13:m_cat: Make our course ENE
06:13:CaptainPeacock: ENE aye
06:13:Cylon: ima get me a sammich
06:13:m_cat: Be sure you come back
06:13:Cylon: np is just in fridge
06:13:Speedy:
06:14:iHEARTviggo: 3 minutes til i get lost
06:14:iHEARTviggo: ne chance theres enough time 2 watch it b4 fight?
06:14:JeffVader: Does it have commercials?
06:14:iHEARTviggo: prolly not
06:14:m_cat: Either way, yes.
06:14:Speedy:
06:15:Cyan: Captain, as a weedy naturalist, I must insist that you delay combat until such time
06:15:Cyan: as I have had a chance to explore those islands over there. Who knows what kind of
06:15:Cyan: interesting creatures might live there.
06:15:m_cat: We started talking about combat like ten minutes ago. Where were you then?
06:15:Cylon: yea what took u so long? u usuall wine at first sign of combat
06:16:Cyan: Sorry, I was playing Starcraft in campaign mode, and Kerrigan just died.
06:16:JackVincent: Oh, god. He's going to cry again.
06:16:iHEARTviggo: No! Please, no. We don't need that again.
06:16:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: Again? What happened?
06:16:Cylon: cyan cried when palom and porom died in ff4 and totally wrekt our day
06:16:Cyan: That's a lie.
06:16:Cylon: dude i have transcript
06:17:m_cat: Post it and I have you trhown overboard.
06:17:Cylon: ill im u if u want transcript
06:17:Ichiko: You don't want it. Trust us.
06:19:Cyan: So about those islands I insist on exploring.
06:19:m_cat: You know, this is a RP-light server.
06:19:Cyan: Naturalists are an exception to those rules. YOu know that as well as I.
06:19:Cyan: Besides, now that they've got custom AI working, we might find some really sweet
06:19:Cyan: pets. Who knows?
06:20:m_cat: They broke pets last week after rollback. You can't eat them anymore.
06:20:Cyan: That's why I want to get some now. That and the AI.
06:20:m_cat: We can't eat the pets we capture, and the xp will almost certainly be better in
06:20:Cyan: It's not all about XP, you know.
06:20:m_cat: a fleet battle than on a couple of tiny islands. I'm sorry, but I just can't
06:20:Cylon: yes it is
06:20:InFeStEdBoRg: no its about drops 2
06:20:m_cat: justify losing those ships to explore your islands. We'll come back if we have
06:20:m_cat: time.
06:21:Cyan: What about discovery? The wiki doesn't have any details on these islands.
06:21:m_cat: I command a privateer ship, not a king's ship. My crew wants XP, drops, and
06:21:m_cat: zeny, and they want them now. We do not have time for your damned hobbies,
06:21:m_cat: sir!
06:21:m_cat: Tell the fleet to prepare for battle.
06:21:BillTehCat: Prepare for battle, aye.
06:22:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: Wait, king's ships aren't all about xp, zeny, and
06:22:.oOo.WiLlIaM NoRrInGtOn-SpArRoW.oOo.: drops?
06:22:*+*Legolas*+*: King's ships are all about spit and polish and fancy paint
06:22:*+*Legolas*+*: jobs and "correct" English.
06:22:*+*Legolas*+*: At least the ones I've served on.
06:22:Ichiko: Yeah, on HMS Namur, you'd get whipped for like 50 HP and 3,000 xp
06:22:Ichiko: if you used "they" as third-person singular
06:22:FredMarryat: Well, it is gramatically incorrect. It's like using "pwnt" in formal
06:22:FredMarryat: writing.
06;22:Speedy:
06:22:Cyan: Actually, third-person singular they was used by a number of famous authors
06:23:Cyan: throught history.
06:23:m_cat: Including the Bard, himself, I believe.
06:23:Cylon: yea shakespeare in romeo& juliet
06:23:Cylon: friar l: arise one knocks good romeo hide thiself
06:23:Cylon: romeo: not i unles the breath ofhartsick groans
06;23:Cylon: mistlike enfold me from teh srch of eyes
06:23:Cylon: *knock*
06:23:Cylon: friarr l: hark how they knock!
06:23:Cylon: wm makepeace thackary 2 in vanity fair
06:24:Cylon: "a person cant help their birth" rosalind replied
06:24:Cylon: u c it has long history iz just st00pid english teachers whine about it
06:24:LoneWolf: sigular they is all feminast conspiricy like herstory
06:24:Cylon: stfu, n00b. u think shakespere was feminist conspiratz0r?
06:24:Cylon: altho herstory is stupid. is done mostly 2 draw awareness 2 masculan
06:24:Cylon: dominanc of linguistic deffaults like always replacing man with woman
06:24:Cylon: like chairman/chairperson to chairwoman most ppl think sounds odd
06:24:Cylon: but isnt any odder than chairman just not what we r used 2
06;25:Cylon: history tho not the same cuz "his" is not morpheme for male posesive
06:25:Cylon: history is anglisiz0red latin "historia"
06:25:Cylon: historia is latiniz0red greek "histor" meaning knowing
06:25:Cylon: n00b
06:29:m_cat: I'm not sure what the hell just happned there.

Stealing HMS Victory

Part 3
in which our great adventure comes to a close.

When last we left our decrepid crew, we had just pawned our first knob. Well, this part takes place maybe half a day later. We'd dealt with a bunch of powerful NPC ships and picked up a bunch of xp and treasure. Then we spent maybe five hours becalmed. Fortunately, MC:TAC includes a number of mini-games, so spending five hours on a ship with no wind wasn't nearly as boring as you'd think. We had several fine games of parcheesi! These quiet times were not to last, though. The wind returned, and with it our great adventure.

12:01:wilw: Hey, I think we've got wind again!
12:01:m_cat: We complete what we started.
12:01:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Awesome! Let's catch us a fat Spanish treasure ship!
12:02:m_cat: Hey, I meant this game of parcheesi! Get back here.
12:02:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: fine
12:28:m_cat: Okay, now let's complete that other thing we started!
12:28:Vados: Piracy this time?
12:28:m_cat: Abso-warking-lutely! AmbroseSpike, get those sails set!
12:30:wilw: I forgot how long this takes.
12:31:m_cat: Anyone up for another round of parcheesi?
12:32:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: sure
12:32:wilw: sure
12:33:Ichiko: rock
12:33:JeffVader: I'll sit this one out, thanks.
12:33:SaltyBob: i guess im in
12:52:AmbrosiaSike: Sails set, cap'm.
12:52:m_cat: Nice. CaptainPeacock, take the wheel.
12:52:CaptainPeacock: Where to?
12:53:m_cat: I'm kinda busy right now. Use your best judgement.
12:59:m_cat: Pawned like the knobs you are.
12:59:wilw: I was so close!
12:59:SaltyBob: no u wer not
12:59:m_cat: So where are we?
01:00:CaptainPeacock: I was steering for La Rochelle, but I think we are closer to the
01:00:CaptainPeacock: Galapagos.
01:00:m_cat: Mmm... Well, as we have no weedy naturalists, it falls to me to say
01:00:m_cat: that we should land and devour all the delicious animals we find.
01:00:FredMarryat: WTF?
01:01:m_cat: Let's land, kill all the local monsters, and rake in the xp.
01:01:InFeStEdBoRg: I'm in.
01:01:SaltyBob: lets kill those monsters
01;01:Ichiko: Rock!
01:01:JeffVader: Sounds good.
01:01:FredMarryat: Couldn't we go looking for French ships to capture? They're worth more.
01:02:m_cat: We're in the Galapagos. What are the odds we'll find a French ship out here?
01:02:m_cat: I think they just opened this area up a few days ago, so we'll be among the
01:02:m_cat: first to farm it. Who knows what new drops there might be?
01:02:InFeStEdBoRg: better not b lettuce
01:02:m_cat: Throw out the anchor and fetch a boat. We're going farming.
01:03:AmbrosiaSpike: Anchor's out.
01:03:wilw: The gig is ready.
01:03:m_cat: We're going to have to leave somebody behind to make sure rogues don't steal
01:03:m_cat: our ship while we're out, but we can swap out later so everyone can farm.
01:04:m_cat: First up: me, ~~=Wm Norrington=~~, SaltyBob, InFeStEdBoRg, FredMarryat, Ichiko,
01:04:Ichiko: Rock!
01:04:m_cat: JeffVader, VampyrePajamas, and Vados.
01:04:JeffVader: Sweet.
01:04:Vados: Awesome!
01:04:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Yes!
01:04:SaltyBob: XP! 8)!
01:04:CaptainPeacock: Damn.
01:04:InFeStEdBoRg: yes
01:04:FredMarryat: Excellent.
01:05:m_cat: VampirePajamas? You in?
01:05:VampirePajamas: Sry. I'm in the middle of homewrok.
01:05:m_cat: CaptainPeacock it is, then.
01:06:m_cat: SaltyBob, take us to that island.
01:06:SaltyBob: which island?
01:06:m_cat: The one north-east on your minimap
01:06:SaltyBob: k
01:09:SaltyBob: this ok?
01:09:m_cat: I see several walking lumps of delicious xp. This is fine.
01:10:JeffVader: OMFG turtles have a lot of HP!
01:10:FredMarryat: Failboat!
01:10:Vados: If you hit them fast enough, they can't get move. They die eventually.
01:10:Vados: Nice xp on turtles
01:11:JeffVader: Don't let them hit you.
01:12:InFeStEdBoRg: heal plx
01:12:InFeStEdBoRg: thx
01:12:Ichiko: NP
01:13:m_cat: Man, I totally pawnz0rated that finch.
01:14:FredMarryat: crabs swarm
01:15:Vados: ha ha
01:15:FredMarryat: help plz crabs swarm
01:16:m_cat: Any more turtles around here? They don't seem to be respawning
01:16:FredMarryat: aaugh crabs
01:16:m_cat: Can somebody take care of that?
01:17:Vados: crabs!
01:17:InFeStEdBoRg: omg y thare so mny crabs?
01:18:m_cat: Dangit, le me take care of them.
01:19:m_cat: They weren't so bad.
01:19:Vados: That's because we killed most of them before you "helped out"
01:20:m_cat: When do you think they'll respawn?
01:21:SaltyBob: ne1 seen nething?
01:22:m_cat: I guess we'll go back to the ship. We can try to spade whatever
01:22:m_cat: we got and wait for the monsters to respawn.
01:23:CaptainPeacock: Suck.
01:24:InFeStEdBoRg: what a lame respawn rate
01:24:InFeStEdBoRg: how r we spsed to make xp in this area?
01:25:m_cat: I'm sure the island's ecosystem will restore itself in 15 minutes.
01:26:wilw: Welcome back, Sir. Request permission to make some XP.
01:26:m_cat: Um... yeah.
01:26:SaltyBob: hi cheese.
01:26:ILikeCheese: hi
01:26:Vados: Hi.
01:26:JeffVader: Doctor.
01:26:Vados: Doctor.
01:26:SaltyBob: Doctor.
01:26:FredMarryat: Doctor.
01:26:wilw: Doctor.
01:26:Vados: Doctor.
01:26:SaltyBob: Doctor.
01:26:m_cat: Let's not start this again!
01:26:ILikeCheese: Doctor.
01:26:Ichiko: Doctor.
01:27:m_cat: STFU
01:27:JeffVader: sry
01:27:m_cat: You  should be.
01:27:m_cat: ILikeCheese, where were you?
01:27:ILikeCheese: playing SSBB since we were becalmed
01:27:ILikeCheese: woulda been back like 10 min ago but i had 2 download the patch
01:28:Vados: Patch?
01:28:ILikeCheese: yeah new patch came out like a day ago
01:28:SaltyBob: weve been on for like 2 days solid now ha ha
01:28:wilw: Anyt interesting updates?
01:28:ILikeCheese: pets can have custom ai now
01:28:wilw: I used to have a parrot.
01:29:wilw: Before SOMEBODY ate  it.
01:29:m_cat: Okay, we've had dthis discussion before. The parrot looked delicious.
01:29:m_cat: It was asking to be eaten.
01:29:m_cat: I mean, why else would you even own a parrot or a monkey if you aren't
01:29:m_cat: going to eat it?
01:29:wilw: Whatever. Any other updates?
01:29:ILikeCheese: minimaps show allies now
01:29:ILikeCheese: skill names changed: "cartridge making" now = "making cartridge!!"
01:29:ILikeCheese: updated combat skills liek double-shot costs less xp
01:29:m_cat: I've heard enough. Everybody except ILikeCheese, log out and update.
01:29:AmbrosiaSpike: OK
01:41:wilw: Hey, they've added to the list of things you can make bullets out of.
01:41:wilw: Now it includes Piece of Reef, Mermaid Heart, and Handful of Grit.
01:41:wilw: Handful of Grit makes silver bullets.
01:41:wilw: Why?
01:41:SaltyBob: hey ive got a monkey egg. ima hatch me a mokney
01:42:ILikeCheese: saltybob?
01:43:Vados: Patching complete!
01:43:ILikeCheese: SaltyBob?
01:43:m_cat: That can't be good.
01:43:wilw: Maybe he crashed.
01:44:m_cat: Loggging off and on should fix it.
01:44:m_cat: or not
01:44:m_cat: Okay, nobody activate a pet.
01:45:m_cat: You know, he'll probably never know what happened to his monkey.
01:45:wilw: That's just wrong.
01:46:m_cat: Not so wrong as to not be delicious.
01:46:Vados: Hey, the mini-map really does work. I see all you guys!
01:46:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Can we go ashore now?
01:46:Snootch: Come onnnnnn!
01:46:Snootch: I wants the killiiiiiinnnnnzzzzz!
01:47:ILikeCheese: SaltyBob?
01:47:SaltyBob: that sucked. my client kept crashin
01:47:SaltyBob: where's my monkey?
01:47:wilw: I can't imagine what could have happened to your monkey.
01:47:m_cat: Something delicious?
01:47:SaltyBob: wtf?
01:48:wilw: Okay, the forums say you must have a custom AI folder if you use
01:48:wilw: a pet or else your client will crash while looking for one.
01:48:SaltyBob: thx
01:48:ILikeCheese: hey, guys, there's a red thingy moving towards a green thingy
01:48:FredMarryat: WTF? Care to elaborate, man?
01:49:ILikeCheese: zoom out minimap to see the ocean
01:49:ILikeCheese: i think were the green thingy
01:49:wilw: Is that an allied ship?
01:49:Ichiko: Is it the Speedy?
01:50:wilw: Speedy is probably still back near Gibraltar.
01:50:m_cat: wilw, what do you see?
01:51:wilw: Looks British. Maybe 74 guns.
01:51:m_cat: I have a plan so cunning you could paste ears on it and call it a wombat.
01:51:m_cat: Somebody who's not JeffVader, signal Enemy Vessel Sighted
01:53:JeffVader: I guess that's me.
01:53:m_cat: Dangit. Make it so.
01:53:Vados: Are you going to do what I think you are oging to do?
01:54:m_cat: Is what you think I'm going to do an act of genius?
01:54:Vados: No.
01:54:m_cat: Then probably not.
01:54:HMS Victory:
01:55:wilw: um...
01:55:wilw: Are you going to attack a British ship?
01:55:m_cat: You get the ears and I'll get the paste.
01:55:Snootch: Turn on our own side?
01:55:wilw: No way.
01:56:AmbrosiaSpike: What?
01:56:m_cat: Who's the Captain here?
01:56:wilw: Nelson?
01:56:Vados: He's an admiral.
01:57:m_cat: Why do you think I spent 70,000 zeny on this giant hat?
01:57:m_cat: I have a perfectly good +10 Triple-Interstitital Daffodil that I could
01:57:m_cat: be wearing. It gives me better bonuses, and it makes all of my attacks
01:57:m_cat: fire-based, but the giant hat says I'm the captain.
01:57:wilw: You wear a daffodil on your head?
01:57:m_cat: Where else would you wear it?
01:57:wilw: I'd think it would go in your buttonhole slot instead.
01:57:m_cat: Don't be silly. That's where I've got my +3 Ghostly Muffler
01:58:wilw: You've got a muffler in your buttonhole?
01:58:m_cat: Yep. Check the wiki. It's clearly labeled "boutonniere." What do you
01:58:m_cat: have in your buttonhole slot?
01:58:wilw: I've got a campion.
01:58:m_cat: That's probably a bug. It's a flower. It should be on your head.
01:58:InFeStEdBoRg: so about this whole attacking british side thing
01:58:m_cat: Don't get all high and mighty with me. You lot almost drowned the
01:58:m_cat: greatest living British hero just for the xp, and then you locked him
01:58:m_cat: in the forktassel.
01:59:InFeStEdBoRg: who?
01:59:wilw: Nelson!
01:59:InFeStEdBoRg: that dude got my xp!
01:59:wilw: Actually, you were the one who suggested pushing him overboard.
01:59:m_cat: Whatever. Now's our chance to regain all the XP that Nelson and his
01:59:m_cat: British crew have stolen from us in the past day or two. Who's with me?
01:59:wilw: Whatever.
01:59:m_cat: That's the spirit!
01:59:HMS Shrewsbury:
01:58:JeffVader: Shrewsbury acknowledges.
01:59:m_cat: For the record, I wasn't actually talking to HMS Shrewsbury.
01:59:m_cat: I was talking to our ship, Speedy. Shrewsbury just misinterpreted.
01:59:m_cat: Run up "Party?"
01:59:JeffVader: Okay.
01:59:Ichiko: This is messed up. But funny.
01:59:m_cat: Let's start sailing in Shrewsbury's direction.
01:59:AmbrosiaSpike: Aye, aye.
02:00:HMS Victory:
02:00:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Still talking to the Speedy?
02:00:m_cat: Absolutely.
02:00:HMS Shrewsbury:
02:00:m_cat: So, want to play parcheesi?
02:00:ILikeCheese: SSBB time!
02:00:wilw: I'll beat you this time.
02:00:SaltyBob: no u wont
02:00:wilw: Next time we play poker.
04:39:CaptainPeacock: Hey, we're here!
04:40:m_cat: Awesome.
04:40:m_cat: JeffVader?
04:41:JeffVader: What?
04:41:m_cat: Signal to HMS Shrewsbury, "Approach within hailing distance" or whatever.
04:41:JeffVader: Sure.
04:42:HMS Victory:
04:42:HMS Shrewsbury:
04:43:JeffVader: Okay...
04:43:m_cat: Take us in closer.
04:43:CaptainPeacock: Okay.
04:45:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): yo1 u no where is la rochelle?
04:45:m_cat (HMS Victory): Yo yourself!
04:45:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): wheres shipz u want to party 4?
04:45:m_cat (HMS Victory): Very near.
04:45:m_cat (HMS Victory): Actually, here's the story. We plan to board and pillage you.
04:45:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): what/
04:46:m_cat (HMS Victory): Heave to. We intend to board and pillage you.
04:46:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no wai
04:46:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): can i talk to some1 else there?
04:46:m_cat (HMS Victory): See my giant hat? I'm in command here.
04:46:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): r u nelson?
04:46:m_cat (HMS Victory): Have I said anything about confidence? No! I'm not!
04:47:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury: what soing on here?
04:47:m_cat (HMS Victory): 猿も木から落ちる
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): what u say?
04:48:m_cat (HMS Victory): 猿も木から落ちる
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 here can read that
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): looks like boxes
04:48:m_cat (HMS Victory): Turn International support on.
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): whut?
04:48:m_cat: geez
04:48:m_cat (HMS Victory): Hit cmd-O or alt-O or whatever
04:48:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): k
04:49:m_cat (HMS Victory): Now click Languages
04:49:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): o i c then international support
04:49:m_cat (HMS Victory): 猿も木から落ちる
04:49:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 here can read that
04:49:m_cat (HMS Victory): Didn't we just go through this?
04:49:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 speaks korean
04:50:m_cat (HMS Victory): Does it look Korean? It's Japanese.
04:50:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury) g thx that helps
04:50:m_cat (HMS Victory): Excellent. Now, about this boarding an pillaging.
04:50:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no1 speaks japanese ether
04:51:m_cat (HMS Victory): It means "even monkeys fall from trees."
04:51:m_cat (HMS Victory): and then I eat them.
04:51:m_cat (HMS Victory): I added the last part myself.
04:51:JeffVader: How does that apply?
04:51:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): why u say that?
04:52:m_cat (HMS Victory): Because even you, an expert in command of a 74-gun ship,
04:52:m_cat (HMS Victory): have fallen for my amazingly clever ruse. Now, about
04:52:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): u have a flag?
04:53:m_cat: Good point. Somebody take down the British colours and put up Speedy's.
04:53:JeffVader: Done.
04:53:m_cat (HMS Victory): Okay, there we go. Make with the being boarded.
04:53:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no i mean pirate flag
04:54:m_cat (HMS Victory): I think we forgot to bring one.
04:54:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no flag no piracy
04:54:m_cat: DANGIT!
04:54:m_cat (HMS Victory): Okay, either surrender or shoot at us.
04:54:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): no wai
04:54:m_cat (HMS Victory): Come on, surrender or shoot.
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): r u haxing?
04:55:m_cat (HMS Victory): No. We really do have 104 guns.
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): wherez nelson? i want 2 c him
04:55:m_cat (HMS Victory): Hey, what did I say aboug the giant hat?
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): nelson never had officer named mcat
04:55:quorelation (HMS Shrewsbury): ur hacking. u stole this ship ic all gm
04:55:m_cat: bush
04:55:GM-Cochrane: What's all this, then?
04:55:quorelation (GM Channel): mcat stole hms victory
04:56:GM-Cochrane: Cute. How'd you do it?
04:56:m_cat: (GM Channel): Me? Hey, why do you thinkk I'm wearing this daffodil instead of a
04:56:m_cat: (GM Channel) giant captain's hat? I'm not the one in charge here. It was
04:56:m_cat (GM Channel): ILikeCheese's idea. He logged off when they called you.
04:56:wilw (GM Channel): We just walked on board and sailed away.
04:56:GM-Cochrane: Okay, well, there've been some problems with the custom AI, so
04:56:GM-Cochrane: we're going to roll the server back about 24 hours. That shoudl
04:56:GM-Cochrane: undo your reign of terror.
04:56:GM-Cochrane: Very clever, by the way. Next time, the sentry will shoot you.
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): Since we're pointing out bugs here, I'd like to report that
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): eating pets doesn't give any stat boosts.
04:57:GM-Cochrane: You can't eat pets.
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): Yes, you can.
04:57:GM-Cochrane: How?
04:57:m_cat (GM Channel): In the usual way.
04:57:GM-Cochrane: That's a bug right there.
04:58:m_cat (GM Channel): How is eating a monkey a bug? That's clearly a feature.
04:58:m_cat (GM channel): Don't tell me you wouldn't eat a monkey if you could.
04:58:THE SERVER IS GOING DOWN FOR A REBOOT NOW!

Stealing HMS Victory

Part 2
in which we pawn some knobs.

We'd been sailing for about six hours when we came encountered our first possible foe. But would things really go as we had planned?

08:51:JeffVader: A sail!
08:51:m_cat: Where?
08:52:JeffVader: Over there somewhere.
08:52:JeffVader: It's five or so of those thingies to the left.
08:52:wilw: Six points off the port bow.
08:52:JeffVader: I think they're French.
08:52:m_cat: Time to pawn some knobs like they've never been pawned before.
08:52:wilw: Um, I just had an awful thought.
08:53:m_cat: We've got 104 guns. This things a floating gun & pawn shop.
08:53:wilw: Who here can operate one of the great guns?
08:55:m_cat: Oh, dangit.
08:55:CaptainPeacock: Initiate "getting the hell out of here" maneuver?
08:55:m_cat: Yes.
08:55:m_cat: Wear! Come about!
08:55:AmbrosiaSpike: Wearing...
08:55:CaptainPeacock: Aye.
08:57:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Come on, Victory.
09:02:AmbrosiaSpike: Woo hoo!
09:02:m_cat: More sail, Ichiko.
09:02:Ichiko: Rock!
09:02:Ichiko: AmbrosiaSpike, take two reefs out of the mainsail. Set teh skysails.
09:02:AmbrosiaSpike: Aye.
09:03:Ichiko: And try the studdingsails. Let's see if that works.
09:03:wilw: That's pretty impressive, Ichiko.
09:03:Ichiko: I just say what my Sail Management skill tells me to say.
09:12:m_cat: How does it look, JeffVader?
09:13:JeffVader: They're gone!
09:13:wilw: Already?
09:13:Ichiko: Wow, that worked really well! Rock!
09:14:wilw: JeffVader, are you still looking 6 points off port bow?
09:15:JeffVader: Of course I am. What am I, stupid?
09:15:wilw: points OFF THE PORT BOW means it depends on where the ship is pointed!
09:15:wilw: We've turned since you first saw them.
09:15:JeffVader: Sry!
09:16:JeffVader: Found them!
09:17:JeffVader:If they're bigger, it means they're getting closer, right?
09:17:m_cat: Okay, you can't be lookout anymore, either. Wil?
09:17:wilw: On my way.
09:19:wilw: French, maybe 50 guns, closing fast.
09:20:InFeStEdBoRg: were screwed
09:20:m_cat: Easy there, sailor. How long do we have until she's in range?
09:20:wilw: Maybe two hours.
09:20:InFeStEdBoRg: 2 hrs? that' sfast?
09:21:CaptainPeacock: Maybe the crew's combat programming will kick in.
09:21:wilw: They haven't noticed the French ship. I doubt they will.
09:21:CaptainPeacock: What if they aren't set to be agro?
09:21:m_cat: Let's not rely on that. Everybody think of a plan.
09:49:m_cat: Are they still closing?
09:49:wilw: Yes.
10:03:ILikeCheese: I'm going to play Super Smash Brothers Brawl.
10:48:JeffVader: What if we make a fake ship out of a barrel and some lanterns?
10:51:AmbrosiaSpike: That'd only work at night. It's not even noon.
11:05:m_cat: Maybe we can bluff our way out of this. If that doesn't work,
11:05:m_cat: we could grab everything out of the hold and then log off. I'm
11:05:m_cat: sure a GM will notice eventually and put the ship back where it
11:05:m_cat: belongs.
11:07:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Requestpermission to begin looting now.
11:07:m_cat: Loot away!
11:16:Ichiko: Damn, weevils have a lot of HP.
11:17:Ichiko: Good drops, tho.
11:20:m_cat: They're shooting1 Start opening the gunports!
11:20:wilw: They're still out of range. They're just testing.
11:21:m_cat: Carry on looting.
11:21:InFeStEdBoRg: it's all lettuce down here!!
11:32:wilw: Okay, they're about in range.
11:33:m_cat: Feels like they're in range now.
11:33:wilw: Bow chasers only.
11:33:InFeStEdBoRg: um...
11:33:InFeStEdBoRg: npcs are doin stuff
11:33:m_cat: Like what?
11:33:InFeStEdBoRg: gettin guns rdy
11:33:m_cat: Awesome!
11:33:m_cat: AmbrosiaSpike, get ready to turn this ship around.
11:34:JeffVader: Are we about to see the power of this fully-operational battleship?
11:34:m_cat: Let me know when the guns are ready.
11:34:InFeStEdBoRg: um.. now?
11:34:m_cat (to AmbrosiaSpike): What's taking so long?
11:34:AmbrosiaSpike (to you): We're missing a topma n. ILikeCheese still is still playing
11:34:AmbrosiaSpike (to you): that stupid game, and we didn't have enough of them to begin
11:34:AmbrosiaSpike (to you): with.
11:34:m_cat (to AmbrosiaSpike): Dangit.
11:35:CaptainPeacock: Heal plz
11:35:CaptainPeacock: Oh, and we're missing the ship's wheel
11:35:CaptainPeacock: thx AmbrosiaSpike
11:35:m_cat: So we can't steer? Dangit!
11:37:wilw: I can't get to where you steer it in an emergency. It's got soldiers outside.
11:38:m_cat: Maybe if we reduce sail they'll overtake us and we can broadside them.
11:38:wilw: I just got a better idea.
11:38:wilw: Throw out the starboard anchor.
11:38:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: You've been watchign too much PoTC
11:39:wilw: No, it's legit.
11:39:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Even if it works, you saw the movie. It almost wrecked the ship.
11:39:Ichiko: If it gets wrecked either way, why don't we try the crazy plan?
11:39:wilw: It's not crazy. I'm reading the developers' mailing list right now.
11:39:wilw: They've got a problem with the physics model, where tension and a few
11:40:wilw: other things don't work very well. I'm betting it won't actually damage
11:40:wilw: the ship.
11:40:Ichiko: Rock!
11:40:m_cat: AmbrosiaSpike, implement Wil's crazy plan!
11:40:AmbrosiaSpike: Crazy plan, aye!
11:40:Ichiko: What kind of drops does a French 50gun have?
11:40:InFeStEdBoRg: better not be more lettuce!
11:41:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Crapt hat was loud!
11:41:m_cat: Ha ha pawned.
11:41:JeffVader: It's lettuce!
11:41:InFeStEdBoRg: fuck
11:41:InFeStEdBoRg: xp sux, too
11:41:wilw: We're sharing it with the rest of the crew.
11:41:AmbrosiaSpike: WTF was that flash from the focle?
11:41:wilw: I think Nelson just leveled up.
11:41:InFeStEdBoRg: no fair nelson got my xp!

We survived our first encounter with the enemy, but what would we do after that? Where would we go? Only one thing is for sure. We'll never need lettuce again. Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!

Stealing HMS Victory

Part 1
in which we steal HMS Victory.

01:13:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:13:wilw: Admiral Collingwood?
01:14:wilw: That seemed to work.
01:14:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:14:m_cat: Thomas Cochrane
01:14:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:14:FredMarryat: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
01:14:FredMarryat: Maybe they don't care what you say.
01:14:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:15:JeffVader: Fuck off, or I'll kill you with this tray.
01:15:JeffVader: Seems so.
01:15:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:Sentry: Who goes there?
01:16:wilw: Whoa, I think it's Admiral Nelson
01:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:16:m_cat: Hey, Nelson!
01:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:16:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Now you've done it!
01:16:wilw: Nothing, M'Lord.
01:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:16:Ichiko: WTF?
01:17:FredMarryat: Maybe he responds whenever anyone says his name.
01:17:FredMarryat: Lord Nelson! Lord Nelson! Lord Nelson!
01:17:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
01:17:FredMarryat: I guess that settles that. Think he does anything else?
01:17:m_cat: I doubt it. Let's get those sails set.
01:17:AmbrosiaSpike: We're on it.
01:19:FredMarryat: Anybody here good with C++?
01:20:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: C++ kinda sucks. You should use Java or something.
01:20:Cyan: Use Scheme. Or Lisp.
01:20:FredMarryat: It's for my programming class. I'm stuck with it.
01:20:Cyan: Ick.
01:27:JeffVader: We didn't bring enough topmen
01:29:m_cat: Be patient.
01:34:wilw: I'm going to go rock Guitar Hero. Call me when we're ready to sail.
01:36:m_cat: Okay.
01:37:Ichiko: Rock!
01:40:AmbrosiaSpike: ILikeCheese, why are you so slow? You said you had
01:40:AmbrosiaSpike: Set Sails 4!
01:41:ILikeCheese: i have to keep opening and closing my skill window
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: What?
01:41:ILikeCheese: having my skill window open while I'm trying to move around is hard
01:41:ILikeCheese: i have to keep clicking it open and closed
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: Hotkey it!
01:41:ILikeCheese: what?
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: PRess F11
01:41:ILikeCheese: k
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike:Did a long, narrow window pop up on your screen?
01:41:ILikeCheese: yea
01:41:AmbrosiaSpike: Is your skill window open?
01:41:ILikeCheese: yea
01:42:AmbrosiaSpike: Drag the icon for Set Sails to one of the first box.
01:42:ILikeCheese: k
01:42:AmbrosiaSpike: Now you can just hit F1 with just that little window open.
01:42:ILikeCheese: thx
01:42:FredMarryat: What a lubber.
01:43:ILikeCheese: STUF
01:43:ILikeCheese: ^STFU
01:58:AmbrosiaSpike: We're god to go.
01:58:m_cat: Take the wheel, CaptainPeacock.
01:58:CaptainPeacock: Awesome.
01:59:m_cat: Cut those cables!
01:59:JeffVader: That was easy.
01:59:Ichiko: Rock!
02:00:wilw: I'm back.
02:00:m_cat: Finished pawnz0riating Guitar Hero, Wil?
02:00:HMS Victory:
02:00:wilw: Um, sure.
02:00:m_cat: Who's doing that?
02:01:JeffVader: I cant' stop the skill now.
02:01:m_cat: You don't get to be signal midshipman anymore.
02:01::DreadPirateRoberts: (the docks): Ahoy Victory! WTF?
02:01:FredMarryat (HMS Victory): I'm in ur port, cuttin' out ur Victory.
02:01::DreadPirateRoberts: (the docks): You're stealing Nelson's ship?
02:01:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:01:JeffVader: We've got a flag, you know.
02:01:m_cat: Get us out of here, CaptainPeacock.
02:01:m_cat (HMS Victory): Yes.
02:02:HMS Victory:
02:02::DreadPirateRoberts: (the docks): No! They be takin' mah Victory!
02:02:m_cat (HMS Victory): Bye now.
02:03:m_cat: ~~=Wm Norrington=~~, I understand this ship contains powder monkeys.
02:03:m_cat: Bring them before me. I wish to eat them.
02:03:wilw: Powder monkeys aren't monkeys, m_cat.
02:03:m_cat: Is this another one of those "there aren't any guns in the gunroom" things?
02:04:m_cat: These naval terms are just crazy. Can't they use English properly?
02:04:HMS Victory:
02:05:m_cat: Steady as she goes, CaptainPeacock.
02:05:CaptainPeacock: That means I keep doing what I'm doing, right?
02:05:m_cat: I think so.
02:06:wilw: I think this is really going to work.
02:06:Cyan: We're going to get busted for this.
02:06:m_cat: We'll report it sooner or later.
02:07:wilw: You know, GM-Foley, I only have one eye.
02:07:HMS Victory:
02:07:Ichiko: GM?
02:07:wilw: I have a right to be blind sometimes.
02:08:wilw: It's a quote. Nelson to Foley, when he was pretending not to notice
02:08:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:08:wilw: an order to withdraw at the Battle of Copenhagen.
02:09:m_cat: Right, wasn't Nelson's Copenhagen interpretation really important to
02:09:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:09:m_cat: quantum mechanics?
02:09:wilw: I don't think so.
02:09:HMS Victory:
02:10:m_cat: Yeah, the Copenhagen interpretation. It's famous.
02:10:wilw: No, I'm sure you're wrong.
02:10:HMS Victory:
02:11:HMS Victory:
02:11:FredMarryat: It's still going.
02:11:JeffVader: It seemed funny at the time.
02:12:m_cat: Yeah, Nelson stated that the waving form of a flag represents the observer's knowledge
02:12:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:12:m_cat: of the system.
02:12:wilw: No.
02:12:m_cat: Thus, since Nelson had more knowledge about the battle than did Sir Hyde Parker,
02:12:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:12:wilw: No. Just, no.
02:12:m_cat: and thus he ignored the order to withdraw.
02:12:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:13:HMS Victory:
02:13:wilw: Am I in an alternate universe? NO!
02:13:FredMarryat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copenhagen_interpretation
02:13:m_cat: See?
02:13:wilw: I give up.
02:13:m_cat: Goo d idea. I'm typing this sitting on a 1,000+ page physics book. You never
02:13:m_cat: had a chance.
02:14:HMS Victory:
02:15:FredMarryat: m_cat is nuts. Lolz.
02:16:Ichiko: yeah, Nelson's got nothin to do with the copenhagen interpertation.
02:16:Lord Nelson: What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?
02:16:m_cat: Maybe we should push him overboard.
02:16:wilw: You want to push the most famous British naval hero of all time overboard?
02:16:HMS Victory:
02:16:Ichiko: Rock!
02:17:~~=Wm Norrington=~~: Sounds like a plan. He's annoying.
02:17:wilw: He's a major NPC!
02:17:ILikeCheese: this is a mmo*RPG* killing rnadom npcs is the whole point
02:17:wilw: That's not true.
02:17:ILikeCheese: well that and lvling
02:17:wilw: It's like I'm in Hell.
02:17:m_cat: I'm putting you in charge of shutting him up, Wil.
02:18:wilw: Fine. I think he's walking randomly. Maybe we could herd him into the
02:18:wilw: fo'c'sle.
02:18:Cyan: Good plan. Where's the f'o'csel?
02:18:AmbrosiaSpike: I'm in.
02:18:wilw: Cyan, stand here.
02:18:Cyan: k
02:18:wilw: AmbrosiaSpike, stand here.
02:19:HMS Victory:
02:19:AmbrosiaSpike: kk
02:19:Cyan: Is he going to move?
02:19:AmbrosiaSpike: Stay on target.
02:20:wilw: Patience. The fo'c'sel is that area up front. Get him to the door.
02:20:HMS Victory:
02:21:wilw:Spike, move left!
02:21:AmbrosiaSpike: k
02:21:wilw: My left!
02:21:AmbrosiaSpike: Sry.
02:22:HMS Victory:
02:23:wilw: cyan left now
02:23:Cyan: I get it.
02:23:AmbrosiaSpike. I c now.
02:23:HMS Victory:
02:23:JeffVader: I'm free!
02:24:Cyan: Thank god.
02:24:m_cat: About time.
02:27:wilw: cyan move now
02:27:wilw: now
02:27:Cyan: Sry. Lag.
02:31:wilw: Yes!
02:31:Cyan: W00t!
02:31:AmbrosiaSpike: Victory for ZIM!
02:31:Ichiko: Rock!
02:32:ILikeCheese: we'da got xp for pushing him overboard
02:32:m_cat: Nelson
02:33:m_cat: Good work, Wil. You're First Lieutenant now.
02:35:CaptainPeacock: We're in the opean ocean!

We've got HMS Victory out of the harbor at Gibraltar and we're free. Tune in next time to see us pawn some knobs!

I'm concluding my review of Master and Commander: The Acheron's Call, a new, historically accurate MMORPG set in the Neapolitan Wars. In the first half, I talked about the really cool parts of the game. In this post, I cover some of the weaknesses. I have no doubt that some of them, nee nearly all of them, will be fixed in time. However, in fairness to anyone who decides to play, I should mention them here.

Drawbacks

In a move that is ill-advisedly stolen from Puzzle Pirates, if you want to take a ship to sea, you'll need a good crew. It's probably best to find people in your time zone who keep your hours. I got off to a rough start in this game because I didn't know this. I set out with a bunch of folks on board HMS Culloden, 74. We were five hours out of Liverpool when our sailing master went AFK "to make a sammich" and never came back.Two hours later one of our topmen started having DSL problems and had to disconnect. Then we lost the wind and were becalmed for a few hours. I'm pretty sure a bunch of the crew, and even one of the mids, switched over to doing MySpace or something like that and forgot about us. Then the Captain and the rest of the officers, who were all in Latvia, decided they needed to get to bed. This continued, and in the end the ship's cook, a carpenter's mate, and I brought the ship into a Port Royal. I've since taken advantage of this, though. One Sunday afternoon, wilw, ~~=Wm Norrington=~~ and I sailed together on the pro-French privateer vessel vVvBlAcKpEnGuInvVv, 24, out of Rio. We knew that most of the crew were in high school on the East Coast, so we just waited until they went to bed and then sailed the ship into Port Royal (a different one) and sold it. We actually pulled this trick a few times before people got wise, but by then I had enough zeny to buy the Speedy.

People are generally pretty good, but it does kinda suck to have to rely on everyone else. One time I was on HMS Unicorn, 46, we were totally about to pawn these two pirate ships when our gunner and one of our midshipmen went all Leroy Brown. Things fell apart pretty fast, and we barely made it back to Liverpool. Basically, it might not be a bad idea to not update your respawn point the first time you sail with a new group.

The cooking system has all the potential to be cool, but it's not yet. Most recipes start with six pounds of butter and four pounds of suet. If it's a salad, you also need a head of lettuce and a few other things, but otherwise you'll need more butter and suet, and a lot of meat. This doesn't seem that bad, until you realize that each French Midshipman you take down only has a 25% chance to drop one ounce of butter. That means you'll have to take down about 384 of them to get the butter you need for a salad. Fortunately, suet is a pretty common drop. Lettuce is way too common, though. I mean, Rather Large Squids have a 100% chance to drop one, and sometimes Merfolk Knights drop two.

Combat might be a little confusing for the uninitiated. It's not that bad when you are on land or doing SvS, but the chat pane during fleet actions can be a real mess. You've got private chats, messages between people near you on the ship, messages within your whole ship, shouts you can hear from nearby ships, and signal flags from every ship you can see.

Even though it's out of beta, there are still a few glitches. Last week wilw, FredMarryat, ~~=Wm Norrington=~~, and a few others of us snuck onboard HMS Victory, 104, which is intended to be an NPC ship. Unfortunately, they hadn't finished all of the code at the time. Every time you talked to Nelson, he'd say "What's wrong with 'confides,' I ask you?" So we cut the cables, set the sails, and took Victory out of port. We sailed around for like 36 hours before the dev team noticed, and we pawned knobs like you wouldn't believe. It was fun, but every so often somebody finds a glitch like that and exploits it.

Summary

This game has it all. It's historical accuracy, a variety of interesting roles, strategy, action, adventure, animal husbandry, resource management, and social interaction. Give it a try!

Just to show you how much fun this game can be, I'll post a few transcripts.

The first will be where we sail HMS Victory out of the docks and stir up some trouble. You get to see not only how cool the game is, but also how well the NPCs interact with you.

I've been playing a new MMORPG for the last few months, and it's just out of beta. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you Master and Commander: The Acheron's Call, which is sort of based on the movie Master and Commander.You can play a sailor in the Royal Navy, a privateer, or a pirate. You can get into trouble on shore or form a crew, get a ship, and sail the high seas!

Cool Features

If you like real-time strategy games, this is for you. This isn't technically real-time, though, since you can sail anywhere in the world in under 72 hours, unless you lose the wind, but it's fairly close. Ship-to-ship combat is quite detailed, and you can assume command of a fleet of PC or NPC ships to square off against your enemies.

Characters aren't limited by classes. Any character can learn any skill, but generally you want to be at least a little bit of a specialist. My crew right now, on the Speedy, has two gunners. xXxWill_NorringtonxXx has just about maxed out Powder Making, while Lady Turner-Norrington-Sparrow-Sephiroth-Potter has just about maxed out Cartridge Making. This way, we don't have live gunpowder in our hold until we actually need it. Then these two start spamming their skills and make as much as we can shoot. Also, the game designers have made sure that every skill is useful.

There's something for everyone. If you are a fan of console RPGs, there's a story you can follow along that involves a lot of fetch quests and talking to NPCs. If you are a fan of PC RPGs, you have stats, and you can kill the shopkeepers, smash barrels, and otherwise act like a psychopath until somebody else takes you down. If you are playing a Royal Marine, there's even a first-person shooter perspective during ship-to-ship combat, where you can snipe away at people on enemy vessels. There's even a Harvest Moon angle. You may not think that taking care of livestock is interesting, but you can bet that somebody does, and you need that somebody on your ship if you want to keep your officers fed and buffed. Fans of resource management aren't left out, either. Your ship needs all kinds of supplies, and somebody's got to buy them.

This leads to what will be another neat feature, the cooking system. I don't think they've go it quite fine-tuned yet, but the recipes are wonderfully complex, authentic, and sound and look delicious. Plus, you get some good stat boosts.

Some MMORPGs have rules against anyone having multiple accounts, or against anyone buying or selling accounts. Not so for MC:TAC. In fact, I just went down to Tortuga, where you can buy just about anything, and picked up a couple of extra characters that I can play. Plus, I got a chance to buy some of that tortuga soup. Mmmm... tortuga...

People, of course, can make or break a MMORPG. MC:TAC has a good group. Unlike most places, "I've been here since beta!" isn't Internet slang for "I'm an ass who can't play very well without outnumbering you 10 to 1." Sure, we've got our bozos, but all in all, it's a good community.

They haven't skimped on the historical accuracy, either. The GM and dev teams are all history buffs, and a few of them don't mind if you ask them questions. One time I accidentally attacked an American ship because I didn't bother to check their flags, and I got the crap knocked out of me. I checked with the dev team, and they said that this wasn't a bug. The ships were just really well-built and the crew was well-trained. It's kind of wacky to me to imagine that, back in the day, the USA made quality stuff. And they say games don't teach you anything!

Next time, I'll introduce the drawbacks. There aren't that many of them.

Knowing how much people value my input when making critical life choices, I've decided to review the three big modern game consoles. Let's start with price.

Price

The Xbox 360 comes in two formats, the Premium ($399.99) and the Core ($299.99). The Premium package comes with a removable drive, a few more connection options, and spyware pre-installed.

The Sony PS3 also comes in two formats, the Premium ($599) and the Basic ($499). The Premium includes a PS3 and a bunch of crap that most people won't use. The Basic comes with a cardboard model of the PS3.

The Nintendo Wii comes in one format and sells for $250.

Winner: The Wii, since you can't even begin to justify blowing more than $300 on a game console.

Hardware

It's been a long time since "hardware" in gamespeak meant anything other than "lots of polygons," so we'll focus on graphics.

The Xbox 360 has an outrageously fancy graphics system that makes it really clear that video game art has gone down hill since the early 1980s. Like the Xbox before it, the 360 reminds us that programmers aren't always the best people to tap when your game needs pretty pictures. This might change when someone gets an SNES emulator working on the 360.

Ditto for the PS3.

The Wii doesn't have this problem. The graphics hardware is only a modest improvement over the old Gamecube, but Nintendo's art department is... well... an art department. They draw stuff that doesn't suck.

Winner: The Wii, since it doesn't embarrass itself.

Setup

When compared to other Microsoft products, which require several seconds to develop that thick, rich layer of malware that users love, setup for the Xbox 360 couldn't be easier. All you need to do is remove it from the box, plug it in, turn it on, reset it until it works, download updates, reset it, and then turn it off until someone gets a good SNES emulator running for it.

I had more trouble with the PS3. Getting it out of the box was pretty easy, at least until I found a note inside saying that I had accepted an EULA by opening the box. Then I plugged it in and got a message like this:

The Sony PS3 has noticed that you have plugged it into your home electrical system. In accordance with the EULA you agreed to, the PS3 will modify your home electrical system to prevent the use of unauthorized electrical devices that could, in theory, be used to violate Sony's copyright on stuff. Do you wish to continue?

I was a little disturbed, so I clicked no. It then asked me if I was Chuck Norris. I made the mistake of saying no again, so it said "Whatever!" and tried installing something into the nearest power outlet. Fortunately, I was able to tear it out before my place burned down. Unfortunately, that means I can't conduct any more tests with this PS3.

The Wii was surprisingly difficult to get running. I had to sort through a lot of little bits and figure out which went where. It came with a small library of manuals in various languages, but no single manual was comfortable enough to sit on. As a result, I had to figure out how to get it working all on my own. That took a while, since it has a special sensor for the wireless controller that has to be in just the right place. One of my roommates eventually read the manual and said that it needed to be just below the TV, but that didn't work at all. I found it needed to be just above the floor. Then I got lost in the menus. There's a lot to do even before you even get to play a game. I spent six hours making a Mii (an Avar of you that appears in some games and forces the Lombards out of Germany). I guess the idea is that you can customize it to look just like you. However, I found the tools so limited as to be unusable.

Winner: The Xbox 360, since if you've used Windows, you know what to expect.

Networking

The new thing for games this year is Internet play. Apparently setting up online services is easier and cheaper than making games people actually want to play for their own virtues.

The Xbox 360 hooks up to the Internet fairly well. If you spend the extra bucks, you can get a few more options to hook your machine up to your router.

The PS3 connected itself to the Internet before I even had it set up. I'm not sure how or why, since it didn't have my wireless password.

The Wii supports USB and wireless connections, but from my experience I can say the antenna doesn't work too well. We were eventually able to get it to work by moving our wireless router into the same room as the Wii and connecting them via USB. On the upside, Nintendo offers free (like Linux) online play. All you need to do is reconfigure your entire house and spend hours and hours fighting with the Wii to access this free service.

Winner: The PS3 is clearly (and disturbingly) the champion.

Games

Traditionally, or at least since about 1995, this category has been ignored by people comparing gaming consoles. I'm not sure why, since there have been over a dozen good games released in the United States since then. Anyhow, in the interest of accuracy, I'm going to nore it.

I have been assured that the Xbox 360 has several good games, since it can (sometimes) run old Xbox games. Leading the pack is Halo 2, which features several significant improvements over Doom in terms of plot (it almost has one) and number of polygons used. However, once someone writes a PS2 or SNES emulator that runs on the 360, the situation will improve significantly.

The PS 3 has a huge advantage over the 360 in terms of games. While the 360 does a poor job of emulating Xbox games, the PS3 does a poor job of emulating PS2 and PSX games. It also has fine native games like Final Fantasy XVI or whatever number they're on now.

The Wii has a huger advantage. You can download and play old Nintendo games, and it will also play such awesome GC titles as Animal Crossing and Chibi Robo. It also features a nifty new way of controlling games. Nintendo apparently did some research that found that gamers (mistakenly) believe that turning the controller, shoving it in the direction they want it to go, falling out of their chairs, and otherwise twitching like Republicans after this last election will somehow make up for the fact that they pressed L1 when they really wanted to hit A-B-B-A. Well, now Nintendo is giving these fine folks a chance to be right. The Wii allows you to control games by moving the controller, called the ヌンチャク ("Numb-chuck!" in English), as well as by pressing buttons. If you swing your ヌンチャク around like it's the hilt of a light saber, you can fight Darth Vader. This adds an extra level of realism and coolness to many games. However, Nintendo has yet to come out with anything that picks up your spoken words, so other games like Anakin Skywalker: Wangsty Jedi may still feel as though they are missing a little something. I've got mixed feelings about the ヌンチャク. It is a really cool idea that might just make gaming more available to normal people, but it's kind of awkward to get used to. I finally discovered that I can hold it in my front paws and use my back "killing" paws to work the buttons. Additionally, since the controller comes with a vibrating device that helps give you kinesthetic feedback, it's really fun to just roll around and paw at it. Unfortunately, I keep getting my claws stuck around the edges of the buttons. The controller is rather cheaply manufactured, since I've already managed to pull one button out.

Winner: The Wii. It's fun even without any games.

Excitement Value

How exciting are these consoles? Do they make you want to stand up and say "Wow!" or do they make you sit down and play WoW? I totally made that one up off the paw. Not bad, eh? A good game console should make you say "Awesome!" just like my line about Wow! and WoW. That's what we're looking for.

The Xbox 360 isn't really that exciting. It doesn't have many good games, and it doesn't always run old Xbox games very well. I guess it's exactly like the old Xbox.

The PS3 is certainly exciting. I have no idea when it might crawl out of its box and try to infest my townhouse's wiring. It's kind of like "Ship of Tears" from Babylon 5.

The Wii does make me say "Awesome!" In fact, it makes me say "Whee!" Yep, I made that one up off the paw, too. The control system is pretty sweet. Also, they've got this nifty idea that good ideas make a good game. I'm psyched.

Winner: You can't beat the PS3 for raw excitement and fear. I'm going to name mine "Carolyn."

Long-Term Value

The Xbox 360 has a great deal of long-term value as a paperweight or some sort of stand for your PS 2.

The PS3 also has a great (and terrible) potential for long-term excitement. In addition to the fun of having Carolyn wake up, wrap itself in wires, and rampage around the room destroying non-Sony hardware, Sony will certainly continue to update the EULA I accidentally accepted. Who knows what fun I might have with that. Plus, will I ever really know what Carolyn tried to do to my power plug?

The Wii has a couple of problems. First, as I mentioned before, Nintendo doesn't make good controllers. This was a problem on the GC and it's a problem here. Second, they've taken a rather maverick to game design. Rather than trying to increase the number of polygons in a game, which is the most scientifically accepted way of determining a game's quality, or even providing realistic exit wounds and blood sprays, the metric proposed by the UN Commission on Crappy Video Games, they've tried to make games interesting and fun and new. I haven't actually had a chance to play any games on the Wii yet, so I can't say how interesting or fun they may be, but if they don't turn out to be a metric assload of both, the Wii will be in serious trouble.

Winner: The PS3 will keep me hiding under the couch long after the Xbox 360 and Wii have been sent to the electronics recycling center. I'd send Carolyn there, too, but I'm afraid it might come back. I mean, it's got $350 of extra hardware that clearly has nothing to do with playing games. Who knows what's in there.

Summary

As long as you are willing to do the reading required to figure out all of the aspects of the Wii, and as long as you don't mind the awful Avars it generates that don't look anything like me, you can't go wrong with a Wii.

[Edit: I added a section on networking. I've spend the last few hours trying to get the Wii connected to the Internet.]

Disclaimer

I admit that I have a small bias when it comes to video games. I like new ideas, and there aren't nearly enough of them out there. I'm amazed by how few people have noticed how little game designers really care. I mean, how many of you have actually noticed that the Madden NFL series hasn't used John Madden's voice since 2004? He was voiced by John Larroquette in 2005 and by Gilbert Gottfried in 2006 and 2007. Did you notice that Tidus's pants in FFX were only halfway rendered? Did you catch on to the fact that most of Half-Life 2 was just Pong with a driving techno soundtrack? I guess nobody wanted to mention that Tomb Raider: Legend was just Patrick Stewart reading the manual? The worst part was that Legend was, by far, the best of the series. Please, game designers, show us a little respect.

Since the roommates went away on vacation, I decided to hold
Miss Kitty's First-Ever Parcheesi Party!

Parcheesi is probably my favorite board game, and I'm sure that once you try it, you'll agree. The plan: get here by, say, 4:00. I'll teach you the rules until about 4:10, and then we'll play until late into the night. We can order unagi and other nifty meats and pretty much eat and Parchees until we puke.
I live in Fremont. We're the townhouse with the interesting-smelling air conditioner. I know you live all over the world, but I'll try to give directions from a few key locations.

London, England
Indore, India
Gaoxiong, Taiwan
Kobe, Japan
Djougou, Benin
Yellowknife, Canada
Nizhni Novgorod, Russia


It would be nice if you'd RCMP by leaving a comment here (if you plan to bring food, mention it in your comment), but feel free to just drop by. We'll just punch through a wall or something if the place gets too crowded.



Unfortunately, finding out how to do the sparkly text for the announcement took way too long, and what with my roommates having been back for three days now, I guess the party is
canceled!

Sorry.

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