I just saw Weird Al Yankovic's "White and Nerdy" video, and I've got to say that I don't think I've ever wanted to be a nerd as much as I do now. Mr. Yankovic made what, for my money, is an extremely compelling case for the nerd lifestyle. I've been discussing this with some of my goth friends, and while they think that being a nerd and being a goth are mutually exclusive, I disagree. You can be a Romantic-era poet and a goth, an industrial machine operator and a goth, you can be wangsty and a goth, you can be a punk and a goth, etc. I think that with my amazingly high goth quotient, I can start a whole new goth subgroup. I'll call us Nerdigoths. I think I can pick up the few remaining Visigoths; with that kind of dedication to the world's first computer spreadsheet, they've got to be nerds. I'll bet Dan Bricklin and Bob Frankston would look pretty hip in whatever style of dress I create for Nerdigoths.

I'll need some funding to get the Nerdigoths going. SF Bay Area Biotechgoths have the DNA Lounge. BBQgoths have Meat. I intend to unveil The Captain's Lounge, where Nerdigoths can hang out and make fun of those people who actually think that Kirk could take down Picard, Sisko, or Janeway. (Sorry, Mr. Yankovic, but if you can't tell that Kirk sucked, you can't be a true Nerdigoth.) We would also allow fans of other geeky things in, of course. I just need enough money to buy a place to chill, some food and supplies, a few employees, and geeky things to hang on the wall. If any of you would-be Nerdigoths have things to donate, let me know. I could always use those giant slide rules that they used to have in high school math classrooms, as well as other geeky bacchanalia like anime wall scrolls, M.U.S.C.L.E. men, Battle Beasts, jerseys from your favorite teams, pool tables, and a disco ball.

I went to the DNA Lounge in San Francisco last night to maintain my goth street cred and hear one of my favorite musicians, Tom Lehrer. I liked this guy long before I knew I was a goth, and I always thought of him as more of a folk singer or something like that. However, he's obviously goth when you think about some of his songs: "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park," "The Masochism Tango," "We'll All Go Together When We Go," "The Vatican Rag," "The U.S.S. Make Shit Up," "So Long, Mom (A Song for World War III)," "I Hold Your Hand in Mine," and "The Sexy Data Tango." I remember that back in 1959 the New York Times wrote:

The tide of "sick jokes" may be ebbing but Tom Lehrer's "sick songs" are still at flood. At Town Hall on Saturday evening Mr. Lehrer regaled a large and appreciative audience with his merry ditties of disease, dismemberment and death. It was the sort of program in which "necrophiliac" is a very funny word.

Mr. Lehrer's muse was not fettered by such inhibiting facts as taste as he eulogized that lovable character, the old dope peddler, or sung of the joys of poisoning pigeons in the park. Yet, despite his obsessive interest in disintegration, Mr. Lehrer has a worthily witty song or two in his repertory and an occasional perceptive comment crept into his monologues between songs.

Well, it's been just over 6.5 cat years since then, but a few things haven't changed. For one thing, Tom is looking pretty darned youthful for his age. I suspect he has a picture of Zane Grey in his attic. He's also kept to his musical ideals, although he had a lot more bum jokes in his set list last night. That's just fine with me. As a cat, I just love bum jokes. Bum. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's just so funny. He has changed instruments, though. He used to rely on a piano, but he now plays a stripped-down 88-string guitar.

The concert was pretty darned nifty. Tom had a few songs that were new to me, like "Ex-Lover's Lover," "The Vampire Club," and "Goodnight, Demon Slayer." One guy kept asking him to play "Freebird," but Mr. Lehrer does not like to be told what to play. Tom finally asked the guy to get him a beer from this one 7-11 in Oakland, and after the audience started to laugh at him, the guy left in a hurry. He seemed a little annoyed, possibly because he realized that Tom hadn't told him which 7-11 he wanted the beer from. Assuming he found the right one and didn't get shivved in Oakland, he should be getting back with the beer any time now. I'm glad that guy asked first, since I was going to ask him to sing "The New Math."

I didn't realize that Mr. Lehrer had such a suitcase full of sarcasm and a belly full of bile, all directed at George Lucas. I think it's nice that a famous singer is willing to come forward and say that the most recent Star Wars movies were totally Bush. I mean, really, you'd almost think that the only thing Lucas can do these days is throw together dull 90-minute cinematic advertisements for cruddy Star Wars toys. On the other hand, the new Red Dwarf movie that he wrote and directed, Serenity, was just head and shoulders above The Phantom Menace. Maybe there is hope for the guy. Until we can be sure, I think Tom Lehrer will be singing a wonderful song that mocks Star Wars and is chock full of bum references, of which this cat highly approves and feels that there should be more of in our musical lexicon.

On the style front, I was the only one at the club with fangs (I think), but I was not the only one to wear a tux. I was, as you might guess, the only one to look good in a tux. One fellow had a top hat of sorts, but he didn't manage it with anything close to the style and grace that one would associate with Red Skelton's Freddy the Freeloader. I was just so much more hip than the rest of the club that it wasn't funny.

After having tried and failed to get any useful information from Dracula, I tried one of the most popular modern vampire writers. Let me tell you, Ayn Rand does not live up to the hype, and I'm disturbed by the little cult that's sprung up around her books. Rand's main subjects are soulless monsters, although she tries to pass them off as the great heroes of our time. I'm really glad that most people don't buy into any of this, but I dread to think of how those few vampires who believe her have hurt our reputation. Don't be fooled by these people! The next time you see a vampire on a killing spree, blowing up a building, or showing an edited video of Leonard Peikoff in a debate, stop him/her and say, "I know you don't represent all, or even a substantial majority, of the vampires out there. Most of them are embarrassed by your behavior. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now behave!"

I've had blood taken from my neck for the third time this month. I'm a vampire! This isn't quite what I was hoping for, though, since it looks like I may not be able to eat normal food again---I just threw up some kitty treats. Still, I think it's going to be worth it all. Plus, maybe my stomach is just upset during the transformation.

As I was getting out of the transport pod that we use to go to and from the vet, I noticed all of the yummy things that I could never eat as a cat but whose blood I can surely suck as a vampire. Why, just outside the door we have ivy, grass, trees, and several shrubs I can't identify. Mmmm...

I'm kind of bummed that I can't get a ride to Hot Topic to pick up a kitty-sized coffin. Consider this a goth shout-out to my homies in the San Francisco Bay Area: Can any of you with wheels get me to Hot Topic and back? Alternatively, do any of you with your ear to the goth ground know a place in or near the Fremont Hub that sells small coffins?

I was planning to shave a bit of my head to get a window's peak, but then somebody pointed out that I already have a reverse window's peak, so I'm thinking maybe I'm a reverse vampire. For example, perhaps sunlight will be okay but moonlight will burn. If so, do I have to worry about all indirect lighting? What about flourescent lighting?

Anyhow, I'm in the market for minions. I picked up an apprentice last week. (Hey, W.L.P!) One of my roommates said I'm her master now, so I have one minion. I think the chicken butler fell through, though. I'm still in need of people to eat bugs, play organs, run smoke machines, butlerate, and dance on tax returns.

I've been to the vet two times. Each time, they have taken blood. I just heard that I'm scheduled for one more appointment that will involve taking blood. After this, I should be a vampire. I'm so excited. I've got a week or so before the change, so I'm doing some research. I spent most of yesterday sitting on a copy of Dracula, and I can say that it's not a very well-researched bit of scholarship. That would explain why the copy I'm sitting on is published by the Modern Library rather than by Harvard University Press's Belknap imprint. It's just so confusing. One minute Dracula is scared of sunlight and the next he's walking around town in the daylight. One minute he can't cross water and the next he's renting a paddle boat. One minute he hates soap operas, and the next he won't shut up about how Darien Steele and Victoria Malone can't end up together, since they are both actually brother and sister, although only that crazy old Lorenzo knows. I mean, come on! Anyhow, I think a lot of this was taken from Trilobite, which is so unscholarly that it's not even funny. I have nothing but the highest respect for the palaeontological community, but George du Maurier was known more for his work in Punch than for serious fieldwork.

This leaves me in a bit of a bind. Where should I turn? Do I need a coffin? If I need soil, where should it come from? I think my original home was in Walnut Creek, which means I'll have to take BART. Could I just get some out of the bag on the patio in Fremont instead? Should I practice counting grain? Are there any forms I need to fill out? Do I need to take a test or pay money for a license?

I haven't been feeling too well lately. Actually, I've been like Sancho after Don Quixote gave him a drink of the immortality potion. I took a trip to the vet yesterday and stayed there overnight. They ran all kinds of tests on me, and I have two things to report. First, I've got a bunch of water under my skin. In essence, I'm a walking water cooler. This means that you can all stand around me and gossip. Later today I plan to stand out on the sidewalk and persuade passers by to hang around and exchange juicy bits of information. I expect to turn a hefty profit from this information in the weeks to come. Second, I've just picked up even more goth street cred. I'm anemic! Yep, now after I write poetry about the dark miasma of my soul, I can faint. I'm not going to post the poetry here, though. You wouldn't understand the depths of my sorrow. Anyhow, go me!

I've been told that I'll have to go back for more tests Tuesday. For now, though, I get special food to eat.

Okay, I'm just not a fan of Japanese Goth rock. I'm much more fond of Greek Goth rock, like Aerosmith, The Archies, and The Turtles.

In the words of Norwegian goth singing sensation Riki Tiki Tavi, I'm living la vida gothica! I've been studying this for a couple of days now, and I think I'm half vampire. Actually, I think I may only be a quarter, since neither of my parents seemed to be vampires. Consider:

• Vampires are snappy dressers. I'm a tuxedo cat.
  
• Dracula was inspired by the novel Trilby. I've got plans to eat a trilobite.
  
• Vampires have issues crossing water. I hate the stuff, unless I'm drinking it.
  
• Vampires have to count seeds thrown on the ground in front of them. I have to stop and eat kitty treats thrown on the ground in front of me.
  
• Vampires drink blood. I'd drink it, if given half a chance. I've been told you can buy chicken blood in fishing stores. Mmmm... fish...
  
• Vampires don't cast shadows. I don't either, as long as I'm not in the light.
  
• Vampires can't be reflected in mirrors. I can't be reflected in walls or stuff like that. I've tried it.
  
• Vampires think Tomb of the Wild Chrysanthemum sucked. So do I.
  
• Vampires are offended when people compare them to conservative Republicans. I'm offended by conservative Republicans.
  
• Vampires have mighty fangs. I have mighty fangs.
  
• The ancestor of many vampires was Vlad The Impaler, who did awful things to people. My ancestor was Mr. Fuzzybum the Bitey, who did awful things to people.
  
• Vampires love Sam and Max: Freelance Police and Master and Commander. So do I.

Okay, I'm new to this whole goth thing and I have some questions. Is there any sort of National or International Goth Certification Agency? Do I need to pass a test or carry some kind of membership card? Being a card-carrying goth would be kind of hard. I mean, I don't wear pants. I could be a card-owning goth, if that would be okay. Are there any explicable taxes or fees? Do I need to pay dues? Is being a goth a union position? If so, since I'm the only goth cat that I've met in the local area, would I be the shop steward? Also, if I'm union, will there be certain kinds of goth topics that I would have to call in other goths to do? For example, if it was my day to talk about the bleankess of life and somebody made a JtHM reference, would I be able to respond, or would I need to call in a couple of JtHM specialists?

Also, I've been arguing with Ms. Wannabe-Goth (wintersweet) about a few topics. Must goths have black boots? As you can see, my boots are white. Second, do all goths think death is interesting, or is it just some of them? I know I think death is cool. Death for one is lunch for me. Mmm... lunch... Also, ever since I started saying nasty things about Jessica Simpson, I've had Tiny Tim lying in the same spot on my floor. He smells funny, and he hasn't moved. wintersweet wants to throw him away, but I think it's cool to have an artist passed out on the floor. It's okay to keep him, right?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I'm pretty sure that I'm a goth. Consider:

• I wear a lot of black
• I sit around pondering abstract topics
• I listen to a lot of goth music, like John Tesh, Yanni, and Michael Bolton
• I put my paw on my forehead a lot when I'm grooming
• I'm pretty sure I'd like absinthe - I like feta, camembert, and havarti
• I love my casket - Clint took it out of the sink when it was leaking, and I love batting it around
• I think bats are cute
• I'd like to eat Edgar Allen Poe's raven
• I own a collar
• I laughed through horror movies like Shawn of the Dead, Galaxy Quest, and Airplane
• I once sat on White Wolf's Demon: The Fallen hardback
• most of the clothes on the floor around here are black