I think I'm getting things lined up for my trip to Canada. I've met a very nice hyena on the internet, and I think he's going to pay for my ticket. His name is Herbert. He's a striped hyena who lives in Jungle Cat World, Orono, Ontario. He says he's an avid reader of my work and is eager to meet me.

( Herbert, don't read this part. It could be about your birthday or something like that, and you wouldn't want that surprise spoiled, would you? )

Anyhow, I'm excited about this trip.

I think I may have found a hyena... Keep your fingers crossed. I could be in sunny Canada any day now. Just to make sure I'm on good terms with the Canadians and the rest of the world, I've got a picture up at Sorry Everybody. I did the English and Japanese, and wintersweet helped me with the Canadian (that's the second line, for those of you who read neither Canadian nor Japanese). I'm really sorry, everybody. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think the Republicans used my name on any imaginary ballots.

I got another letter from my duck friends on their way to Puerto Vallarta.

Dear Miss Kitty,
Yellowknife got kind of old, so we decided to go a little bit farther south. You'll laugh, but since our AAA membership expired, we've had to find maps where we can. This time, we picked up an old CIA map at a thrift store. We tried navigating based on the location of the Chinese embassy. As you might guess, that didn't work out very well. We're pretty sure we're on the right path, but I think we'll stick around Bismarck for a little while. It's still rather chilly for Mexico, but we're used to it by now. We picked up a couple of very small down jackets at the thrift store before we left Yellowknife.

Accents are interesting. They sound almost American, but I suspect they are Quiche Mayan. I've read the Popol Vuh, and with any luck, I'll be able to see some of the old Mayan rituals before we leave Bismarck.

We're a little disturbed by recent events. We heard that Bush won the election, so we might spend an extended summer down here. Have you heard anything about election fraud this time? I've heard that almost 70% of the people around here are proud to have voted for Bush, and I can't imagine what kind of strange election law would allow the people of Bismarck, Mexico to vote in a United States election. We also sent a letter to National Public Radio, so if this takes over the news any time soon, remember you heard it from us first.

Still on our way to Puerto Vallarta, we are
Your friends,
Rocky and Genevieve

I can't take the stupidity of this country anymore. Unfortunately, there seems to be a run on tickets to Canada. I've got about $8.25, so they're going to be a bit out of my price range. I do, however, have a plan. I'll need to find a well-off hyena in a Canadian zoo that would like a witty cat for a friend. This hyena could pay for my ticket to Canada and we could meet. ( If you are a hyena or are friends with a hyena, please don't read this! )

I could probably get a job writing a column for a newspaper. I don't want to write about the United States. That's just too depressing. However, I'm pretty familiar with Canadian issues. I could probably get a dozen columns on why Taiwan isn't really a part of Canada. I mean, there's been very little cultural exchange since the Nationalists fled there in 1949. They don't even use the same writing system!

Surely I could say something inciteful about the national sport. I mean, lawn darts is a very zen game. There's a lot of philosophy to get into.

I could write for months on "Canadian Cool." For those of you who don't know, Canada is well on its way to being the pop-culture powerhouse of North America. While it's not the top (Saint Lucia is still clinging to first place, but not for long.), it's almost certainly in the top three.

I've got about a week until my paid account expires. I've got some money stashed under my litterbox. I was going to use it to pay for a hyena's airline ticket, but I never did find one who was willing to fly out here. Money management isn't really my thing. I don't have an actuator's certificate or anything like that, so I could use some help. What should I do?

Poll #371776
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 45

Should I remain a paid user?

My original plan was to ranch chickens. They taste like everything, so I wanted to find a breed that tastes like unagi and make my fortune. Unfortunately, I suspect that a chicken ranch would require a lot of space. Instead, I've decided on invertebrates. I tried some earlier today, and it was pretty good. Since they don't have spines or bones or things like that, they're almost all meat (all meat = all profit or all flavor). Also, I need to sample other kinds of invertebrates. Bologna is pretty tasty. I'm guessing it looks a lot like a snake or a very thin, cylindrical cow. Right now, my plan involves ranching bologna, but I'd be willing to consider other, more economically yummy invertebrates.

I'll need some land, but not as much as I would for a chicken ranch. I'll cover it with grass or whatever bologna eat, buy some little baby bologna ("bolognese," to those in the know), and let them grow. I'll saddle up and ride a badger named Chaw. I'll learn to heard the bologna and learn to know them all; to round 'em up by daylight, if I can. I'll follow the chuck wagon and always hitch the team and help my "cosinero" rustle wood. Then when springtime comes, I'll round up the bolognese, shave them and slice them and bob off their tails. Then comes profit and yummy yummy food. With profit comes money. With money comes power. With power comes unagi. Also, with power comes hyenas. I'll be able to hire someone (a "trail hand") to find them, lure them to the Bay Area, and prepare them to be eaten.

I was totally not sleeping. I was just thinking about eating a hyena, so my eyes were closed. I wasn't sleeping.

A quick update:

1. I'm still working against Jessica Simpson.
   
2. Tiny Tim is still lying on the floor. I'm not sure he's breathing
   
3. I passed up a chance to eat a hyena.
   
4. Jessica Simpson somehow billed $65,000 worth of IQ-testing books to Clint. I'm not sure how that happened

I've been on AIM spreading the word that she's bad stuff, but I'm going to have to change my tactics. I thought if I exposed her as a hypochondriac, her fans would abandon her. That doesn't seem to be happening, though. I don't understand why. Part of her appeal is that she claims to be a faithful Zoroastrian, but she speaks Avestan like a child and she believes in reincarnation. Sheesh. It's awful. She's totally using Zoroastrianism as a tool to turn a quick dollar. When I start explaining this to people on AIM, though, they seem completely confused.

I happened to meet a hyena while i was on AIM! I tried so hard to find a really hyena to lure and eat, but I couldn't. Now, when I'm busy crusading and don't have time to go to the airport and eat a hyena, I find one. Dangit!

I've heard rumors that Jessica has fake toes. Can anyone confirm that she got toe implants? I asked her fans about this on AIM, and they got really angry and said that I was probably flat and ugly. Dorks. I'm cute and kittyloaf-shaped.