As you might have noticed, LiveJournal has been purchased by SUP, the company that operated the Russian part of LJ. When Six Apart took over LiveJournal, I had to put down a number of nasty rumors that were circulating. I can see that I'm going to have to do the same this time. I was on the ground floor when this news came out, taking a nap in the corner by the stack of Babylon 5 tapes when my roommate wintersweet made the first comment on the 100 day plan, so I think I'm in a unique position to investigate and confirm or deny any rumors you may hear. I'm sure you'll agree that having my butt up against the VHS cassette of The Deconstruction of Falling Stars gives me considerable moral authority.

Here are the rumors I have found so far.

1. We'll all have to add Tom to our friends list. Severity: MOST SERIOUS. Status: CONFIRMED BOGUS. While SUP may add some MySpace "features" to LiveJournal, Tom will be staying where he is. You can sleep well tonight knowing that.
   
2. Posts that offend the delicate aesthetic preferences of any of the SUP editors will be censored by having all the vowels removed. Severity: SERIOUS. Status: CONFIRMED BOGUS. You're thinking of BoingBoing. Nobody else would sink to that level of childishness pestilence.
   
3. All posts that reference BIKECAT will be deleted because BIKECAT isn't as significant as, say, a list of Atari Lynx games or Highlander II. Severity: SERIOUS. Status: UNCONFIRMED, SUSPECTED BOGUS. I can't actually find any BIKECAT communities on LJ at the moment, but as far as I know that handsome devil didn't have his own community back when Six Apart ran the show. I'll continue investing. This isn't Wikipedia, so I'm guessing there won't be any official censorship.
   
4. All LJ users will be required to replace their userpics with photos of themselves holding beer and looking stupid. Severity: SERIOUS. Status: CONFIRMED BOGUS. That's one "feature" that will not be making its way to LJ any time soon.
   
5. All LJ users will be required to post far too many intimate details about their private lives. Severity: SERIOUS. Status: CONFIRMED PARTIALLY TRUE. First of all, I'm sure you can name a dozen people who already do that on LJ. While there will not be any explicit policy on this, the lj-cut tag will be replaced with the lj-tmi tag. All current lj-cut tags will be replaced with these new tags in the next 2-3 weeks. The material within the lj-tmi tag, if such a tag is included in a post, will be the only part of the post shown by default. Posts without lj-tmi will be assumed to provide too many details.
   
6. LJ's terms of service will now require all users to react in one of two ways whenever any kind of change is announced for LiveJournal. They may either (a) have hysterical freakouts or (b) make really pointless posts like "okay, um..." and "wow" in response to the announcement. Severity: MODERATE. Status: CONFIRMED TRUE. I'd like to amend the rumor by striking out "will now require" and replacing it with "have always required." I'd say this was an obscure clause buried in the ToS, but judging by the posts I've seen, it was only obscure to me.
   

Send any additional rumors you may hear my way. I'll check them out and get back to you!

If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm an avid reader of BoingBoing (except when they briefly flirted with shumping the jark by making 75%-90% of their posts on anagram transit maps). I find it even more useful now, with my plans to become a System Lord. I'd figure that if anybody would be full of obscure bits of trivia and wacky facts, it'd be a System Lord. However, BoingBoing appears to be understaffed at present. They don't actually make any money on their site, so they can't exactly afford to hire anybody else. From what I can tell, they appear to have one staff member who does nothing except click Reload every three seconds on The Laugh-Out-Loud Cats.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that BoingBoing shouldn't be posting these. It's not like anagram transit maps, where anybody who is 1338 enough could make them. No, Laugh-Out-Loud Cats are both a snapshot of cartoon history and a priceless source of humor. I mean, where else could you possibly find pictures of cats saying things like, "Invisible sandwich" or "Visible sandwich?" I'll tell you where. Only behind paywalls.

The problem, as I see it, is that this person is wasting his or her time, and BoingBoing is missing important news. You have probably all heard about the guy who was tasered by the cops after asking John Kerry a question. BoingBoing reported it here. What they missed because they were reloading Laugh-Out-Loud Cats, though, was the story of Emily Delafield, a African-American woman in a wheelchair who was tasered to death by the police. (Thanks to mshades for this tip!) This simply should not happen. What about more mouth-watering photos of long horses and other delicious animals? Technology exists that can click Reload every three seconds for us, freeing BoingBoing's staff to find cogerent news stories like this.

If you don't use LJ, you may not be aware of our amazing (but free and open-source) technology called feeds. Using this amazing LJ technology, for example, science_blogs is set up to automatically post updates from ScienceBlogs. I'm pretty sure that, for less than it would cost to hire someone to click Reload, BoingBoing could get some kind of LJ-like feed system set up to automatically post each and every issue of Laugh-Out-Loud Cats.

What about it, BoingBoing? I'm sure LiveJournal's tech people would be willing to help you out with this.

To meet LiveJournal's puritanical decency standards, this userpic may require censoring. This userpic is clearly pornographic. Please Photoshop® a shirt over the mother and children or discuss proposed censorship on the talk page. See LiveJournal's guide to living in the 1950s for suggestions.

As part of a move towards Wikipediaesque editorial standards, the LJ team has been cracking down on what they obviously consider to be a virulent form of pornography that could easily corrupt the minds of young children. Is it Jack/Will slash? Kirk/Spock slash? Kefka/Kim Jong-il slash? Child porn? Food porn? Pictures of the new MacBook? Lesbian tortoise tribadism? No, no, unfortunately not, no, thankfully no, not yet, and no. I'm not actually sure what a lot of these are, but I noticed these and many more in the latest LiveJournal posts. The problem here is breastfeeding. The LJ team seems to think that it's a fluke that civilized countries and at least some parts of the United States are okay with this kind of thing going on in public, and they'll be damned if they'll let it go on unchecked in their servers. I think most people will agree that it's not pornography. It's natural and healthy, and there's no reason mothers should be ashamed of it. Breastfeeding helps promote healthy youngsters, and as long as there is still a stigma attached to it, we need communities to promote it. These communities need icons, and maybe, just maybe, a logical icon might involve breastfeeding. As long as LiveJournal is 100% cool with hosting pro-cutting communities (groups of people who sneak into libraries, slice pretty pages out of antique books, and sell them on E-bay), I don't see how they can possibly object to breastfeeding.

Since LJ is now taking all of their queues from Wikipedia, I decided to see what kind of take Wikipedia had on breastfeeding. Here's a usurpt from what they say:

Your continued donations keep Wikipedia running!
Breastfeeding
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
A breastfeeding infant
Enlarge
A breastfeeding infant

Breastfeeding is the

They follow this up with an actual photo of a breastfeeding infant! Come on, LJ, what is your problem? Wikipedia doesn't feel the need to censor images of breastfeeding. Why should you?

Feel free to use this icon in the fight against censorship. Power!

To meet LiveJournal's quality standards, this article or section may require cleanup. This article or section seems to have been written by a cat and not in the formal tone expected of an encyclopedia entry. Please improve the article or discuss proposed changes on the talk page. See LiveJournal's guide to writing better articles for suggestions.

There's been a lot of hysteresis about Six Apart wanting to turn LiveJournal into Wikipedia. As your main source of accurate, reliable information, I decided to do some investigation. I was suspicious at first, since if you look at the level of writing in the posts about this topic, they appear to have been done by people who have recently gone off their meds. The posts are really just a lot of ranting and free association. I can't remember any of them, so I'm going to write the rest of this post, eat some spider plant, sniff some catnip, and then write one of my own.

OMG I HaTE THE NEW LJ INTERFACE IT L00KZ LIKE A55!!!!111!!!十一! I h8 the customize area and teh new userinfo! I don't know how to change things anymore! lj_design are jerks and * h8 them so much! This may or may not be real. Six Apart operates several other blogging services, which means that (一) they will stop working on LJ (2) work on LJ to turn it into wikipedia (III) force everyone over the age of 13 to move to another one of the services they so sinistrally own and (100₂) I have DISCOVERD MANY TRUTHS: changing my journal title and subtitle are in some crazy area called "CUSTOMIzE!" WTF? Why I gotta go to Customize to customize my LJ? Man, my paws sure are dirty. You never notice how dirty your paws are until you stop and look. Even chewing on them doesn't get them clean. What gives?

So as you can see (I hope, since I haven't written it yet), these people sound like they are crazy. Maybe they need to switch to a service full of stoners, like MySpace. I mean, who really thinks that the statement that most LJ users are in the 13-29 age range, an ugly interface, and the ability to use Wiki markup are some kind of super-secret code for "We plan to turn the site into Wikipedia!" Then, of course, I noticed this above one of the posts:

This user is a hysterical moron and has been nominated for deletion or migration to Vox. Okay, we probably should have included a simple "No, we're not trying to drive adults away and turn the site into Wikipedia." in our FAQ, but COME ON! What is wrong with you people? Go to your pharmacist, get your prescription filled, follow the instructions on the bottle, and then come back and post.

So, yeah, it looks like we're on our way to being Wikipedia. I'm going to guess that we're going to go the way of E2 - anything that isn't hard fact or of personal interest to Six Apart will be deleted, and strict editorial standards will be applied to our own personal lives. I'm off to help LJpedia by expanding their stub on catnip. Then, once I'm down again, I'll go back and make the few changes in my journal that are needed to bring it into compliance with LJpedia's editorial policy.

Two years ago today I wrote my very first post. Some things have changed, while others have somehow remained exactly the same. When I started, Walter Cronkite was still pushing people around on LiveJournal. Now he's gone. Score one for me. Bush was a threat to our national security. Unfortunately, he's still in office. Dangit. Dangit. Dangit. The world really has changed, though. Nobody can ever again break out the old stereotrope that Asian people are better at science, just like we can no longer assume that Tom Delay is always evil. With Delay off the all-mumping-villain-all-the-time list, I'm not sure where anything stands.

You've seen me at my best and at my worst. You've read my thoroughly-researched investing reports and you've see the post I made while high on catnip. I've been hooked on everything, from the Bad Ideas of Sigmund Freud cup and plate set to twelve-step programs to spider plants. Actually, as I write this, I'm going through spider plant withdrawal. I'm kind of tired, but other than that, I'm pretty sure I'm fine.

So anyhow, two years ago today was my very first post. A lot of things have changed in such a long, long time, but some things have resisted the ravages of time. Walter Cronkite, that big old bully, couldn't take the heat and has left LJ. Bush, that mumping villain, is still around. Tom Delay did something good, and let me tell you that being on the same side as Tom is enough to drive me to eating spider plants. They give quite a buzz, but since I'm sure it's not healthy, I'm giving them up. It has nothing to do with the fact that the spider plant is now well out of my reach. Withdrawal isn't that bad. I'm kind of tired, but other than that, it's about like the time I gave up giving up stuff and dove right into an orgy of sniffing glue, licking the adhesive off of 1918 inverted Flying Jenny stamps, and mace powder in my kitty box. Man, was that an expensive binge. Actually, come to think of it, this isn't anything like that. Actually, come to think of it, that never happened. No, it's more like that time Jimmy Carter and I started doing shots of catnip tea. That guy can really put that stuff away, let me tell you. Although, now that I think about it, Jimmy was pretty much a wimp. I drank him under the table. When the heck did I meet him, again?

Anyways, I'm kind of tired from withdrawal and Humphrey Bogart is telling me to get some sleep. It's been a good two years. Keep on rocking, all of you.

Since I'm going to be a Type 1 LiveJournal user, I'm going to need to join some ratings communities. Unfortunately, most of the ones I've looked at seem kind of stupid. I'd like to throw a few ideas out there and see what you think.

Poll #415588
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 26

Which of these would you join, assuming you decide to be a Type 1 LJ user?

So I guess you've all heard that LiveJournal has been purchased by Six Apart. I've heard a lot of panic. Depending on who you listen to, Six Apart is going to steal our journals, make us pay more, suck out our blood through the keyboard and sell it to North Korea, or give George W. Bush a third term in office. I've done some investing, and I'm 100% sure that they can't suck out blood through the keyboard unless you are using an unpatched version of Windows 2000. I'd suggest you update Windows now, assuming you have it. They'd need some kind of change in the Constitution to give Bush a third term. I can't find any evidence to suggest the other stuff. I have found one rather odd thing, though. They're going to require every user of this LiveJournal/Six Apart hybrid pick one of two roles:

Role 1: You must portray a young teenager (about 13) who is pro-Annam and a cutter. You must join lots of ratings communities. You may not use proper capitalization, grammar, or spelling. You will need to increase the repeat-rate on your ! key. You will need to share far too many details about your personal life. You must describe yourself as a rebel while avoiding questions about how sitting in front of a computer with a big box of Twix is an act of rebellion. You must move back in with your parents.

Role 2: You must portray a hard-core tech geek who likes to talk a lot without really listening to others. You must typeset your shopping lists using plain TeX (not LaTeX, which makes things too easy). You may not interact with others using the system. You must buy shirts that say "I'm Trying Too Hard" in several languages you don't speak. (These will be for sale on CafePress soon.) You will need to act defensive when people ask why you never share any details about your personal life, shifting your eyes and saying, "It's not because I don't have a life! It's because... Hey, look over there!" You must describe yourself as a serious journalist while avoiding questions about how sitting in front of a computer with a big box of Jolly Ranchers is an act of journalism. You must move back in with your parents.

I've been pondering these, and I suspect I'm going to have to go for Role 1. I really hate plain TeX. I really don't like LaTeX, either, but a cat's got to do what a cat's got to do. Plus, I've seen how "jolly" these Jolly Ranchers are when predators are thinking of moving in on their oh-so-yummy flocks. Yep, out come the shotguns and pitchforks. I'll take Twix any day of the week. I'm a little baffled by the pro-Annam and cutting requirements, though. I mean, the Pro-Annam community is dedicated to the liberation of French Indochina. WTF? It's a good idea, but they're a few decades too late. I've tried looking up cutting. Do we have to keep lowering our prices? Do we need to run more? Do we need to make our documentaries shorter? Do we need to take up horticulture? I don't know. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't involve actually cutting ourselves. I mean, that's a genuine disorder. Who'd want to encourage people to do that?

Anyhow, it looks like we need to do more research, but things won't be that bad.

Well, I can only conclude from the poll that I'm one cute cat! Also, I'd like to take just a second to point out that no matter how cool people like Wil Wheaton or Jimmy Carter may be, I'm cooler. I'm a paid LJ user.

I'm going to remain a paid user, I think. However, I also need to keep some money around for a ticket out of here in case something awful happens on November 2. How can I do both and keep a catnip supply? I'll tell you. I'm going to import catnip from Canada.

I know, I know. You've all read the FDA report on Canadian catnip. The FDA is overly cautious, as you can see from their careful approval of Vioxx. However, I've been checking the facts in their report, and I think they're totally Bush. Consider:

1. Catnip that has been exported to Canada and then re-imported could be "accidentally" laced with cyanide: I was suspicious of this claim, especially when I noticed that the quotation marks were actually there in the FDA report.
   
2. Every time we re-import something from Canada, a kitten dies: This may actually be true. If you check the FDA's proposed 2005 budget, you'll find funding for a "kitten elimination squad." Still, that's not the fault of buying catnip back from Canada.
   
3. If Americans have affordable health care (I'm including catnip in there), the terrorists have won: Okay, I'll admit that Canada has historic ties with the United Kingdom and shares an open border with the United States, but I'm not sure you can really describe it as terrorist.

I'm going to buy California-grown catnip from Canada. Three cheers for free trade!

I've got about a week until my paid account expires. I've got some money stashed under my litterbox. I was going to use it to pay for a hyena's airline ticket, but I never did find one who was willing to fly out here. Money management isn't really my thing. I don't have an actuator's certificate or anything like that, so I could use some help. What should I do?

Poll #371776
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 45

Should I remain a paid user?

Well, I knew it couldn't last forever. A vacuum cleaner (catsucker) has an account on LiveJournal and has posted in my journal. Well, I'm not scared of you. Not at all. I've done my homework and I can debusscope all of your vacuum cleaner lies.
Vacuum Cleaner Claims

1. Vacuum cleaners can suck cats up: this is true, but vacuum cleaners are completely incapable of stealth, and they aren't too keen on climbing
   
2. Vacuum cleaners can actually suck cats into some kind of Hell-dimension: also true, but only in theory. You see, vacuum cleaners contain something called a filter. This filter keeps all but the smallest things from passing into the Hell-dimension. I've heard that there are new filterless vacuum cleaners, but I suspect this is just a rumor.
   
3. Vacuum cleaners are masters of kung fu: whatever. I know that "kung fu" is actually gong fu, so I'm really not worried about the kind of made-for-TV moves that a vacuum cleaner might pull out on me.
   
4. Vacuum cleaners have created 1.7 million jobs in the past four years: true, but almost anybody can create 1.7 million jobs when you first persuade employers across the nation to free up 2.6 million jobs.
   
5. The word "vacuum" means "cat slayer" in Latin: not true at all. It's actually in German.
   
6. Every cat who has ever stood up to a vacuum cleaner has died: false. I don't know about the rest of you, but I caught one while it was napping and gave it a good backhanding. I'm still alive.

As you can see, I'm too smart to be scared of vacuum cleaners. Plus, catsucker, I've had some experience with people on the internet. I'd say the odds are good that you aren't even a vacuum cleaner. You're probably a 40-ish, balding guy pretending to be a vacuum cleaner to pick up young, vulnerable vacuum cleaners.