You've probably already heard about the Canadian Red Cross's response to the newest humanitarian disaster in Canada, but in case you haven't, they are going to sue everyone else who uses a red cross. Threatening to sue video game companies who use a red cross in the game to indicate healing has earned them a bit of bad press, with people asking, "Why should I donate money to the CRC if they already have so much that they need to get rid of it by hiring lawyers?" Well, that's just not the case. If you check out this link, you will learn that the poor Red Cross actually needs your money. "What," I hear you ask, "will they do with any extra money they get? Will they spend it on drink and hookers?" Well, if you read carefully, you will find that they have a plan:

Should donations supporting a specific Red Cross pointless lawsuit effort surpass the amount required, the remainder will be directed as follows:

• Donations exceeding the amount required by Red Cross to sue the pants off some random Canadian directed to the Canadian Lawyer Relief Fund - a fund that provides support to lawyers affected by future domestic peace.
  
• Donations exceeding the amount required by Red Cross to sue the pants off some random International will be directed to the International Litigious Bastard Relief Fund - a fund that provides support to jerks who need more money for petty lawsuits.

I think you can feel safe donating to these fine folks.

So for those of you who are cats or know people who are cats, I have an important public service announcement. Unagi, while mighty tasty, is hard to come by. Purina's Whisker Lickin's, chicken & liver flavors, is pretty freakin' tasty. Man alive, that's tasty stuff, and it's more than an acceptable substitute for unagi.

For the record:

• Tricks are for kids. Humans can't properly digest the chemicals in those so-called "marshmallows," and it makes them act crazy. Goats can digest the chemicals. They're fine with it.
  
• Catnip is for cats. It seems to interfere with some medicines that keep humans from being crazy. Cats don't need those kinds of medicines, and catnip makes us a good kind of crazy.
  
• Nobody actually eats citrus. It's toxic. Stop pretending.
  
• Contrary to popular belief, cats really can eat poinsettias without vanishing in a puff of noxious smoke. Seriously.

And by "them" I mean "those police jerks," not "arms." It'd be silly to build weapons with the goal of getting rid of weapons. That'd never work.

For those of you who can make free calls to Berkeley or San Francisco, call the Berkeley and SF PDs and let them know you don't approve of the way they treaded me or Stancy Nesby. You can contact the BPD at (510) 981-5900 and the SFPD public affairs office at (415) 553-1651. Tell them they need to teach their officers to tell the difference between alligators and other forms of life, or at least teach them to read the newspaper.

polycat has informed me that flesh bugs are "alienoid life-form what look [sic] just like a hand." I'm not familiar with these creatures, and I've read every Geiger-counter manual I can find, so I think I know a fair amount about aliens. Has anyone else seen these things? I need as much information as I can if I'm going to hunt down the one that attacked me. To this end, I would like to announce the Miss Kitty Foundation for the Collection of Information Relating to Flesh Bugs, Specifically the Kind of Information That Can Lead to Their Destruction, Not the Kinds of Information Like "They Don't Think Seinfeld is Funny, Either," or "Some of Them Like to Play Whist."

As a VIP in the feline journalismic community, I feel that it is encumbrance upon me to speak out about injustice when I find it. As somewhat of a celebrity, I have been the target of unwarranted insults and attacks, such as this and this. I'm generally pretty cool with that, but I take extinction when an attack crosses the line and impunities other honest, hard-working cats. I am, of course, speaking of this totally unjustified bushy outrage. I hope that, by clearing my own name, I will also honor other cats who are out there fighting the good fight.

I have been a street cat. I still maintain my street cred certification (ISO 9009). I've been there, and I know what it's like. I have a great deal of sympathy for those rugged individuals who live under Japanese restaurants or behind steak houses. However, my life now follows a different path. I'm one of the literalati, and just because I no longer have to get into some kind of Kill Boromiresque knife fights with rats just to get to an old slice of unagi doesn't mean I don't do anything with my life. I work almost as hard now as I did on the streets. Those of you who aren't professional writers might find this difficult to believe, but almost all of my posts are almost as thoroughly researched as a novel by James Michelob. I can't afford to have any gaffes when I'm leading the charge in a battle of words against Jessica Simpson or reporting on the virtually unknown Soviet shuttle program that took place on United States soil. These posts are the journalismic equivalent of an engineering marvel like the Leaning Tower of Pita, and they take a similar amount of time to construct. I spend hours every day thinking, considering, debating the use of "composed" or "comprised," "e.g." or "i.e.," "cavalry" or "calvary," "civil disobedience" or "post-hoc excuse." I spend more hours checking my facts, cross-referencing, confirming that Queen Elizabeth was never in a band with Freddy Mercury, that not all important events in history happened on October 8, that Alexander Nevsky led the army of Novgorod to victory against the Gin & Tonic Knights on the frozen Lake Peipus while stoned. For the record, Nevsky generally only used hemp for medicinal purposes or to make jewelry.

All of this work leaves me tired. I write hard and I sleep hard. I don't need to "earn" my keep by eating bugs. First, bugs taste pretty nasty. Second, and this is the logical facility in your argument, if I ate bugs, I wouldn't depend on anyone for food. Plus, I'd be too full for unagi.

I went with my people and some of their friends ot the Alameda County Fair. I've got a lot to say about that, since it's one of the few times I've left the house without ending up on a cold metal table with a thermometer stuck somewhere unpleasant. Anyhow, we all went to the Small Animal barn and I got to see bunnies! Oh, they are so cool! I still want to own a dog, but I think I could also take care of a bunch of bunnies. They've got long, fuzzy ears and cute little noses and they are so furry and soft. I wouldn't ever eat them. I've been told they taste too gamey, and it looked like they had some nice claws.

Anyhow, one of my people (Clint) was really upset when they didn't have any chickens. Usually I'm happy when he is upset, but this time he seemed really hurt. I'm not used to helping people, but I'm going to try to find out all I can about this Newcastle Disease and wipe it out. Here's what I know so far.

Newcastle disease infects many different kinds of birds. Mortality rates often equal or exceed 100 percent. Some birds die before they exhibit any symptoms, while others may have respiratory problems or muscular tremors. Newcastle seems to be connected to coal. Perhaps exposure to coal causes it (sort of like black lung for chickens?), but perhaps coal can cure it. Scientists don't know for sure. The Center for Disease Control (CNBC) suggests that you keep your birds inside and provide them with little breathing masks. They recommend buying gas masks at the corner grocer and cutting them down to fit your chickens. Be careful when you do this, since if you don't get a snug fit, the gas mask won't protect your bird. Dick Cheney, on the other hand, suggests buying lots of oil and duct tape, dunking your birds in the oil, and wrapping them in several layers of duct tape. I don't know about you, but I'd trust CNBC. If you are a scientist or sponsor interested in joining the fight against Newcastle Disease, let me know. With your help, we can end this terrible disease and allow millions of chickens to toss aside their gas masks and walk free once more!