Some of you long-time Trekters out there may be holding off on watching Star Trek XI: Star Trek I because you are worried that the writers will pack every Trek cliche into a 127-minute film. This is a reasonable fear, given what happened to both American versions of Red Dwarf. You may remember how they packed every single joke from the first four seasons, or approximately 900 jokes, into each of the two awful pilot episodes. If you haven't seen them, they were complete disasters, doing to Red Dwarf what the Bush presidency did to human rights. Similarly, the 1991 film The Addams Family used both jokes from the TV series, although it turned out all right.

Let me tell you right off the bat that you don't need to worry. Yeah, some cliches, catch phrases, and running jokes made it in, but as a viewer, I wasn't crushed under the stampede. Here, to make you feel better, is a checklist.

General
It's green!
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Two characters are drinking with intent to cause long-lasting genetic damage. They run out of bathroom cleaning liquids and are about to go their separate ways when one of them finds a mysterous container of green liquid. The other asks what it is, and the first replies, "It's... it's green." They drink it.
REFERENCES: "By Any Other Name" (TOS); "Relics" (TNG)

Bones
Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a <CAREER>
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Kirk asks Bones to do some trivial task, such as passing him a napkin at a restaurant, and Bones says, "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a nuclear physicist!"
REFERENCES: "The Naked Time," "The Corbomite Maneuver," "The Galileo Seven," "Arena," "The City on the Edge of Forever," "Amok Time," "Catspaw," "Metamorphosis," "Friday's Child," "A Piece of the Action," "Return to Tomorrow," "Assignment: Earth," "Spock's Brain," "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky," "The Empath," "Whom Gods Destroy," "The Way to Eden," "Turnabout Intruder" (TOS); "Once Upon a Planet," ""The Time Trap," "The Slaver Weapon," "The Jihad," "Albatross," "How Sharper Than a Serpent's Tooth," "The Counter-Clock Incident" (TAS); "The Wire" (DS9); "Phage," "Investigations," "Bliss" (VOY)

<NOUN/PRONOUN>'s dead, Jim!
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Someone dies in a spectacular fashion, like falling off a cliff, getting sucked out of an airlock, or riddled with 50-caliber bullets, and Bones uses his medical szzzzs to dramatically say something like, "Dumbledore's dead, Jim!"
REFERENCES: "Lurgi Strikes Britain," "Operation: Annihilate!," "Mirror, Mirror" (TOS)

Yo, dawg
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Bones says to a patient recovering from surgery, "Yo, dawg, I heard you like <THING>, so I put a <THING> in your <VITAL_ORGAN> so you could <ACTION> while you <ACTION>."
REFERENCES: "The City on the Edge of Forever," "The Cloud Miners" (TOS); every episode of TAS; "Encounter at Farpoint" (TNG)

Kirk
Picard could kick Kirk's ass any day of the week
STATUS: included, since Kirk appears in this film
DESCRIPTION: Picard could kick Kirk's ass any day of the week.
REFERENCES: every episode of TOS; every episode of TAS; every episode of TNG

Pattern Kirk Epsilon
STATUS: included, barely
DESCRIPTION: Despite being labeled a tactical genius, Kirk forgets some basic aspect of starship combat, such as raising the shields or pointing the phasers the right way, and Enterprise gets the bejeezus blown out of it.
REFERENCES: "The Corbomite Maneuver," "Balance of Terror," "The Apple," "The Doomsday Machine," "The Ultimate Computer" (TOS); Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Janice Rand
Spitting and head-butting
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: On TOS, Yeoman Rand had a nasty habit of spitting and head-butting people at just the wrong moment.
REFERENCES: "The Corbomite Maneuver," "The Enemy Within," "Charlie X" (TOS); Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

You Can Buy Anything at Jusco!
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Whenever anyone tries to impress Rand by showing her something neat, she informs them that she can get it at Jusco and probably pay less for it.
REFERENCES: "The Corbomite Maneuver," "The Man Trap," "The Naked Time," "Charlie X," "Miri," "The Conscience of the King" (TOS); "Flashback" (VOY); Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Mr. Scott
Laws of Physics
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Mr. Scott is asked to do something to prevent the ship from being destroyed. To make himself look better, he states "I canna' change the laws of physics" moments before he does whatever is needed to save the ship. Afterwards, he calls the bridge to ask, "Who da man? Who da man? Mr. Scott da man!"
REFERENCES: "The Cage," "Where No Man Has Gone Before," "Taked Time," "The Enemy Within," "What are Little Girls Made of?," "Balance of Terror," "Tomorrow is Yesterday,", "Errand of Mercy," "Who Mourns for Adonais," "A Private Little War" (TOS); "Relics" (TNG)

Giving it All She's Got
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Mr. Scott is asked to do something to preven the ship from being destroyed. To buy himself a little time while he finishes playing Contra: Shattered Soldier, he conjures up a dramatic voice and says, "I'm giving her all she's got!"
REFERENCES: "The Cage," "I, Mudd," "Wolf in the Fold" (TOS); "Relics" (TNG)

Nurse Chapel
Totally 'Shopped
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: At an awkward moment, Nurse Chapel will shout out "That shit's totally 'shopped!" The most famous examples come from Star Trek: The Motion Picture, where she says it three times while the crew watch Schindler's List and no less than thirty-seven times (once every five minutes or so) while they watch the pod racing scene from Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace.
REFERENCES: "The Naked Time," "The Changeling," "A Private Little War," "The Paradise Syndrome" (TOS); "The Pirates of Orion" (TAS); Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Mr. Spock
DFAG
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Mr. Spock responds to a situation by shouting one or more of "Drink!" "Feck!" "Arse!" and "Girls!"
REFERENCES: "The Cage," "The Menagerie, Part II," "Court Martial," "A Taste of Armageddon," "The Deadly Years" (TOS); "Yesteryear," "More Tribbles, More Troubles" (TAS); "Unification Part I" (TNG); Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

'Sup
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Mr. Spock greets a higher-up in Star Fleet or some planetary leader by saying "'Sup?" Spock often tried to defend this practice: in "Journey to Babel," he spends a good five minutes constructing a proof that it is the most logical greeting in the universe.
REFERENCES: "Mudd's Women," "Miri," "Dagger of the Mind," "Shore Leave," "Journey to Babel" (TOS); "Yesteryear" (TAS); "Face of the Enemy" (TNG); Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Uhura
Thunderbirds
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Whenever we see Uhura while she is off duty, she is watching some episode of Thunderbirds. However, in an outtake from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, we see her watching an episode of Gekigangar III.
REFERENCES: "The Conscience of the King," "Shore Leave," "The Omega Glory" (TOS); "The Lorelei Signal" (TAS); Star Trek I: The Motion Picture; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Mr. Sulu
I'm Hikaru Sulu!
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Whenever Sulu is introduced to someone (except Klingons - see "I'm Hikaru Sulu II!" below), he says "I'm Hikaru Sulu!" He then winks, grins, gives a finger shot with each hand, and makes a clicking noise.
REFERENCES: "Space Seed," "The Devil in The Dark," "The Apple" (TOS); "Mudd's Passion" (TAS); "Flashback" (VOY); Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

I'm Hikaru Sulu II!
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Whenever Sulu is introduced to a Klingon, he says "I'm Hikaru Sulu. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
REFERENCES: "Errand of Mercy," "Friday's Child," "Elaan of Troyius," "Day of the Dove," "The Savage Curtain" (TOS); "More Tribbles, More Troubles," "The Time Trap" (TAS); Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country


Chekov
I'm Hikaru Sulu III!
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Whenever Chekov is introduced to someone, he says "I'm Hikaru Sulu!" He then winks, grins, gives the finger with each hand, and makes a clicking noise.
REFERENCES: "Space Seed," "The Devil in The Dark," "The Apple" (TOS); "Mudd's Passion" (TAS); "Flashback" (VOY); Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Salute!
STATUS: not included
DESCRIPTION: Whenever Chekov is about to leave a scene, he holds his hand in an "okay" sign above his forehead.
REFERENCES: "Who Mourns for Adonais," "I, Mudd," "The Trouble with Tribbles," "A Private Little War," "Spectre of the Gun," "The Demolished Man," "The Way to Eden" (TOS); Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

It's Actually Russian
STATUS: included
DESCRIPTION: Chekov often claims things that are clearly of Klingon origin, such as Romeo and Juliet and The Cherry Orchard, are, in fact, Russian.
REFERENCES: "Friday's Child," "Who Mourns for Adonais," "The Apple," "The Trouble with Tribbles" (TOS); Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

I watched the new Star Trek movie today. Let me tell you, this is not my great-granduncle's Trek. That's actually good, since in his Trek, the crew of the Enterprise somehow rescued Gilligan and his friends. I'm not sure how that worked, but fortunately for all of you, you won't have to worry about it. That being said, I liked this. Some people have complained that they got Star Trek details wrong. If you hear somebody say that, you can tell right away that they need to brush up on their movie-watching skills. Perhaps some sort of film studies class would be in order. This isn't "getting some details wrong." This is a "reinstall." You Windows users out there should be familiar with it.

( Spoilers below! )

Knowing how much people value my input when making critical life choices, I've decided to review the three big modern game consoles. Let's start with price.

Price

The Xbox 360 comes in two formats, the Premium ($399.99) and the Core ($299.99). The Premium package comes with a removable drive, a few more connection options, and spyware pre-installed.

The Sony PS3 also comes in two formats, the Premium ($599) and the Basic ($499). The Premium includes a PS3 and a bunch of crap that most people won't use. The Basic comes with a cardboard model of the PS3.

The Nintendo Wii comes in one format and sells for $250.

Winner: The Wii, since you can't even begin to justify blowing more than $300 on a game console.

Hardware

It's been a long time since "hardware" in gamespeak meant anything other than "lots of polygons," so we'll focus on graphics.

The Xbox 360 has an outrageously fancy graphics system that makes it really clear that video game art has gone down hill since the early 1980s. Like the Xbox before it, the 360 reminds us that programmers aren't always the best people to tap when your game needs pretty pictures. This might change when someone gets an SNES emulator working on the 360.

Ditto for the PS3.

The Wii doesn't have this problem. The graphics hardware is only a modest improvement over the old Gamecube, but Nintendo's art department is... well... an art department. They draw stuff that doesn't suck.

Winner: The Wii, since it doesn't embarrass itself.

Setup

When compared to other Microsoft products, which require several seconds to develop that thick, rich layer of malware that users love, setup for the Xbox 360 couldn't be easier. All you need to do is remove it from the box, plug it in, turn it on, reset it until it works, download updates, reset it, and then turn it off until someone gets a good SNES emulator running for it.

I had more trouble with the PS3. Getting it out of the box was pretty easy, at least until I found a note inside saying that I had accepted an EULA by opening the box. Then I plugged it in and got a message like this:

The Sony PS3 has noticed that you have plugged it into your home electrical system. In accordance with the EULA you agreed to, the PS3 will modify your home electrical system to prevent the use of unauthorized electrical devices that could, in theory, be used to violate Sony's copyright on stuff. Do you wish to continue?

I was a little disturbed, so I clicked no. It then asked me if I was Chuck Norris. I made the mistake of saying no again, so it said "Whatever!" and tried installing something into the nearest power outlet. Fortunately, I was able to tear it out before my place burned down. Unfortunately, that means I can't conduct any more tests with this PS3.

The Wii was surprisingly difficult to get running. I had to sort through a lot of little bits and figure out which went where. It came with a small library of manuals in various languages, but no single manual was comfortable enough to sit on. As a result, I had to figure out how to get it working all on my own. That took a while, since it has a special sensor for the wireless controller that has to be in just the right place. One of my roommates eventually read the manual and said that it needed to be just below the TV, but that didn't work at all. I found it needed to be just above the floor. Then I got lost in the menus. There's a lot to do even before you even get to play a game. I spent six hours making a Mii (an Avar of you that appears in some games and forces the Lombards out of Germany). I guess the idea is that you can customize it to look just like you. However, I found the tools so limited as to be unusable.

Winner: The Xbox 360, since if you've used Windows, you know what to expect.

Networking

The new thing for games this year is Internet play. Apparently setting up online services is easier and cheaper than making games people actually want to play for their own virtues.

The Xbox 360 hooks up to the Internet fairly well. If you spend the extra bucks, you can get a few more options to hook your machine up to your router.

The PS3 connected itself to the Internet before I even had it set up. I'm not sure how or why, since it didn't have my wireless password.

The Wii supports USB and wireless connections, but from my experience I can say the antenna doesn't work too well. We were eventually able to get it to work by moving our wireless router into the same room as the Wii and connecting them via USB. On the upside, Nintendo offers free (like Linux) online play. All you need to do is reconfigure your entire house and spend hours and hours fighting with the Wii to access this free service.

Winner: The PS3 is clearly (and disturbingly) the champion.

Games

Traditionally, or at least since about 1995, this category has been ignored by people comparing gaming consoles. I'm not sure why, since there have been over a dozen good games released in the United States since then. Anyhow, in the interest of accuracy, I'm going to nore it.

I have been assured that the Xbox 360 has several good games, since it can (sometimes) run old Xbox games. Leading the pack is Halo 2, which features several significant improvements over Doom in terms of plot (it almost has one) and number of polygons used. However, once someone writes a PS2 or SNES emulator that runs on the 360, the situation will improve significantly.

The PS 3 has a huge advantage over the 360 in terms of games. While the 360 does a poor job of emulating Xbox games, the PS3 does a poor job of emulating PS2 and PSX games. It also has fine native games like Final Fantasy XVI or whatever number they're on now.

The Wii has a huger advantage. You can download and play old Nintendo games, and it will also play such awesome GC titles as Animal Crossing and Chibi Robo. It also features a nifty new way of controlling games. Nintendo apparently did some research that found that gamers (mistakenly) believe that turning the controller, shoving it in the direction they want it to go, falling out of their chairs, and otherwise twitching like Republicans after this last election will somehow make up for the fact that they pressed L1 when they really wanted to hit A-B-B-A. Well, now Nintendo is giving these fine folks a chance to be right. The Wii allows you to control games by moving the controller, called the ヌンチャク ("Numb-chuck!" in English), as well as by pressing buttons. If you swing your ヌンチャク around like it's the hilt of a light saber, you can fight Darth Vader. This adds an extra level of realism and coolness to many games. However, Nintendo has yet to come out with anything that picks up your spoken words, so other games like Anakin Skywalker: Wangsty Jedi may still feel as though they are missing a little something. I've got mixed feelings about the ヌンチャク. It is a really cool idea that might just make gaming more available to normal people, but it's kind of awkward to get used to. I finally discovered that I can hold it in my front paws and use my back "killing" paws to work the buttons. Additionally, since the controller comes with a vibrating device that helps give you kinesthetic feedback, it's really fun to just roll around and paw at it. Unfortunately, I keep getting my claws stuck around the edges of the buttons. The controller is rather cheaply manufactured, since I've already managed to pull one button out.

Winner: The Wii. It's fun even without any games.

Excitement Value

How exciting are these consoles? Do they make you want to stand up and say "Wow!" or do they make you sit down and play WoW? I totally made that one up off the paw. Not bad, eh? A good game console should make you say "Awesome!" just like my line about Wow! and WoW. That's what we're looking for.

The Xbox 360 isn't really that exciting. It doesn't have many good games, and it doesn't always run old Xbox games very well. I guess it's exactly like the old Xbox.

The PS3 is certainly exciting. I have no idea when it might crawl out of its box and try to infest my townhouse's wiring. It's kind of like "Ship of Tears" from Babylon 5.

The Wii does make me say "Awesome!" In fact, it makes me say "Whee!" Yep, I made that one up off the paw, too. The control system is pretty sweet. Also, they've got this nifty idea that good ideas make a good game. I'm psyched.

Winner: You can't beat the PS3 for raw excitement and fear. I'm going to name mine "Carolyn."

Long-Term Value

The Xbox 360 has a great deal of long-term value as a paperweight or some sort of stand for your PS 2.

The PS3 also has a great (and terrible) potential for long-term excitement. In addition to the fun of having Carolyn wake up, wrap itself in wires, and rampage around the room destroying non-Sony hardware, Sony will certainly continue to update the EULA I accidentally accepted. Who knows what fun I might have with that. Plus, will I ever really know what Carolyn tried to do to my power plug?

The Wii has a couple of problems. First, as I mentioned before, Nintendo doesn't make good controllers. This was a problem on the GC and it's a problem here. Second, they've taken a rather maverick to game design. Rather than trying to increase the number of polygons in a game, which is the most scientifically accepted way of determining a game's quality, or even providing realistic exit wounds and blood sprays, the metric proposed by the UN Commission on Crappy Video Games, they've tried to make games interesting and fun and new. I haven't actually had a chance to play any games on the Wii yet, so I can't say how interesting or fun they may be, but if they don't turn out to be a metric assload of both, the Wii will be in serious trouble.

Winner: The PS3 will keep me hiding under the couch long after the Xbox 360 and Wii have been sent to the electronics recycling center. I'd send Carolyn there, too, but I'm afraid it might come back. I mean, it's got $350 of extra hardware that clearly has nothing to do with playing games. Who knows what's in there.

Summary

As long as you are willing to do the reading required to figure out all of the aspects of the Wii, and as long as you don't mind the awful Avars it generates that don't look anything like me, you can't go wrong with a Wii.

[Edit: I added a section on networking. I've spend the last few hours trying to get the Wii connected to the Internet.]

Disclaimer

I admit that I have a small bias when it comes to video games. I like new ideas, and there aren't nearly enough of them out there. I'm amazed by how few people have noticed how little game designers really care. I mean, how many of you have actually noticed that the Madden NFL series hasn't used John Madden's voice since 2004? He was voiced by John Larroquette in 2005 and by Gilbert Gottfried in 2006 and 2007. Did you notice that Tidus's pants in FFX were only halfway rendered? Did you catch on to the fact that most of Half-Life 2 was just Pong with a driving techno soundtrack? I guess nobody wanted to mention that Tomb Raider: Legend was just Patrick Stewart reading the manual? The worst part was that Legend was, by far, the best of the series. Please, game designers, show us a little respect.

I stayed up all night reading The Matrix: Computations, by the Watchkowskii Brothers (Golub and Van Loan, aka Click and Clack). I heard that a lot of people thought the second movie was too slow and had "too many words". I can only assume that people who said that went home and washed their minds out with Laura Croft: Tomb Raider, something by Long Dong Silver, or maybe a round or two of golf on the PC. Obviousy, I'm not a part of that crowd. I liked The Hours, even, so I hope you understand what I mean when I say that The Matrix: Computations was all words and almost no action.

With nearly 700 pages, I expected there to be some good gun battles or car chases or fist fights. I expected to read something about how the Matrix started or have a young Oracle steal a few scenes. After about 500 pages, I have to admit that my expectations dropped. I would have been happy to have read some dialogue. What were the Watachowski Brothers thinking? If you don't believe me, here is a sample. I randomly pulled it from page 449.

These connections to the symmetric eigenproblem allow us to adapt the mathematical and algorithmic developments of the previous sections to the singular value problem. Good references for this section include Lawson and Hanson (1974) and Stewart and Sun (1990).

See, this is just talking down to the reader. If you make a clever reference, and I don't think they did, you don't tell the reader "I just made a clever reference. Go look it up right now so you can appreciate how smart and erugated we are." This happens on pretty much every page, and then every so often they have a page or three of references for that section!

You have to trust me when I say it gets worse. It's even lacking the philosophy that The Matrix is known for. Sure, they talk about "efficiency" and "communications cost" and "theory", but it's just not up to the usual Watchedpotski level. Plus, the last 60 pages
are nothing but shameless name dropping. I guess they thought that people like Aki Bjork (singer), Jim Demmel (inventor of a kind of drill and other useful tools) , and John Wilkinson (inventor of polynomials) would lend some of their cool to the story, but it was too little, too late.

I can't believe this came from Johns Hopkins Press. They are reputable publishers, and I can't imagine that they would want a stinker like this with their name on it. I'm also angry at the SIAM Review. I'm part Siamese, and I think running the academic journal for the breed carries a pretty heavy responsibility. Shame on you, SIAM Journal!

All things considered, this is a book that I won't even sit on. I'll probably still try other Wachkerenski books, movies, and food products, though.