I just read this article on Cognitive Daily, and the potential is amazing! Whenever I find yummy food around the house, I try to eat as much of it as I can. Unfortunately, I tend to get full. This is bad for several reasons. First, I like eating. It's fun. The more I can eat, the more I will enjoy life. Second, I've been losing weight. I'm down to about 3.6 kilograms, which is not good for a cat of my size. I need to eat more. Third, what if some other cat shows up? I don't want this new cat to be eating my food. I just can't sleep at noon thinking about some other cat eating food that I was too full to eat. However, this research suggests that being full is a matter of remembering that you have eaten. Thus, by swinging one of those thin, red, plastic fortune-telling fish on a string in front of my eyes and erasing my memory of eating, I'll be able to eat more, thus increasing my enjoyment of life, my weight, and the chances that any new cat will go hungry around here. Also, I can put out Eat More Through Self-Hypnosis, a book that would make millions. I can even go to the grocery store with a big bag of quarters to get some of those fortune-telling fish and then put one fish in each copy of the book.

For the record:

• Tricks are for kids. Humans can't properly digest the chemicals in those so-called "marshmallows," and it makes them act crazy. Goats can digest the chemicals. They're fine with it.
  
• Catnip is for cats. It seems to interfere with some medicines that keep humans from being crazy. Cats don't need those kinds of medicines, and catnip makes us a good kind of crazy.
  
• Nobody actually eats citrus. It's toxic. Stop pretending.
  
• Contrary to popular belief, cats really can eat poinsettias without vanishing in a puff of noxious smoke. Seriously.

Okay, so the new Harry Potter book came out today, and the Winter Solstice will be held July 16. July seems a bit late for the Winter Solstice, but that's what I saw while skimming my friends list.

In other news, I wandered around Fremont today and saw a copy of Glynda-Lee Hoffmann's book, The Secret Dowry of Eve: Woman's Role in the Development of Consciousness. Glynda-Lee feels that, however fuzzy the Bible might be on topics like dinosaurs and evolution, it is quite clear on psychology and neurophysiology, and armed with her secret decoder ring, she sets out to prove that Genesis is actually a pro-woman story and not, as the words themselves suggest, a justification for sexism. What this looks like from my point of view is another person writing a book that says, "Hey, it's okay to be a member of [insert name of group that doesn't get the respect it deserves], and we know this because some external story has validated us." That's totally the wrong way to go about trying to make people feel better. I'd like to see a book that says, "Hey, it's okay to be a member of [insert name of group that doesn't get the respect it deserves]." I mean, I don't need any sort of external validation. I don't. Do I?

I've noticed that a lot of people have some rather interesting misconceptions when it comes to plants. Basically, when they hear that something comes from a plant, they think, "Hey it must be healthy!" Then they think, "Hey, it must be renewable. I can use as much of it as I want!" Then they think, "Hey, I wonder if The X-Files is on tonight." These people have several problems. First, they don't know the difference between renewable and rerun. I guess they think that any word with the prefect "re-" means "You can't run out." Honestly, people, it's important that you learn to use words correctly. Otherwise, you'll sound like a dork. Second, this isn't always true for things that come from plants. I'm talking about coffee in particular. Coffee isn't good for you. This may come as a surprise, but Starbucks is not just a happy-go-lucky chain of local coffee friends. No, they're pushing poison. Try this experiment:

1. Find a chicken.
2. Feed it some coffee.
3. After it drops dead, send it to me so I can eat it.
4. Don't worry.
5. I'm working on an antidote.

Basically, this experiment should prove to you that coffee isn't healthy just because it's made from soy. I should also point out that it's not nearly as renewable as people think. I know that might be hard to believe, but it's true. Sure, today there's enough that it can be used to help everyone hide from their massive sleep debts, power the cities of tomorrow in great coffee-reactors deep below the earth's surface, and provide the enzymes and pro-benzo-re-polymers for an entire new generation of hair-care products, but it could be all gone tomorrow. Here I mean "tomorrow" in a figurative sense, since it will take at least until tomorrow to make up all of those coffee-based hair products. The industry is so stuck on salad-based hair-care products. Still, they'll change. And then, in a figurative tomorrow that could show up soon (but not on the actual tomorrow in the sense that it comes after (right after) today), we'll be out. Why? How could we run out of something that comes from the soy plant? Well, soy plants grow only in certain parts of the world. For instance, you can't grow soy on Antarctica. Scientists, the only people who are smart enough to want to live down there and who also tend to be hard-core coffee addicts, have discovered through trial and error that soy plants aren't smart enough to adapt and grow on ice. Likewise, while the plants will probably grow on top of Everest, there are precious few people these days willing to take care of them. I mean, very few laptops are rated for that altitude, and WiFi access would be lousy. Similarly, you won't find coffee growing in Chile's Atacama desert. It's one of the driest places on earth. The few people who live there will go for years and years between the time one of them says something and the time anyone else realizes it was a joke. Obviously, we're not going to get coffee coming out of such a place. However, even if we assume that you can grow soy plants on every square centimeter of the planet, we're going to run out of coffee one day. I mean, nobody would argue that you can grow soy in space. That's what we'd have to do, though, when you consider how both Entropy (S) and Stupidity (also S, for some stupid reason) are both monotonically increasing, and look at that Hertzsprung-Russell thingy that astronomers use to map stars, you realize that this planet only has a few billion years left. After that, where will we grow the soy we need to make coffee? On the moon?

Anyhow, when you drink your coffee tomorrow, consider four things. It isn't that good for you. I'd really like to eat a whole chicken, because chicken soup is really, really tasty. Coffee is really a limited resource, so you should try to reduce the amount you use and save some for your children and their children, at least until all life ends. Finally, as someone proved in a recent special issue of Algebra Universalis, given access to at least 9 TV channels, one can always find an X-Files rerun.

Well, I can only conclude from the poll that I'm one cute cat! Also, I'd like to take just a second to point out that no matter how cool people like Wil Wheaton or Jimmy Carter may be, I'm cooler. I'm a paid LJ user.

I'm going to remain a paid user, I think. However, I also need to keep some money around for a ticket out of here in case something awful happens on November 2. How can I do both and keep a catnip supply? I'll tell you. I'm going to import catnip from Canada.

I know, I know. You've all read the FDA report on Canadian catnip. The FDA is overly cautious, as you can see from their careful approval of Vioxx. However, I've been checking the facts in their report, and I think they're totally Bush. Consider:

1. Catnip that has been exported to Canada and then re-imported could be "accidentally" laced with cyanide: I was suspicious of this claim, especially when I noticed that the quotation marks were actually there in the FDA report.
   
2. Every time we re-import something from Canada, a kitten dies: This may actually be true. If you check the FDA's proposed 2005 budget, you'll find funding for a "kitten elimination squad." Still, that's not the fault of buying catnip back from Canada.
   
3. If Americans have affordable health care (I'm including catnip in there), the terrorists have won: Okay, I'll admit that Canada has historic ties with the United Kingdom and shares an open border with the United States, but I'm not sure you can really describe it as terrorist.

I'm going to buy California-grown catnip from Canada. Three cheers for free trade!

I'm an animal test subject, and I think it rocks! Pounce, the people who make some kinds of cat food, sent us a bunch of free cat treats that they are testing, and let me tell you, it's quite tasty. In the next few months, you should buy and eat anything you see from Pounce that says, "New!" Take my word for it. It's tasty. It's not unagi-tasty, but it's really good. Plus, it's Tartar-control, so I'll never have to go to war like Alexander Nevsky did to keep the Mongol hordes out of my town.

Serously, though, I'm not sure why people object to animal testing. I guess it's a species-based anti-outsourcing argument. I mean, I am taking the job from some human who would otherwise have been paid to taste-test this Pounce stuff. However, it's not like the jobs are leaving the country, so I can only assume people who are against animal testing are speciesist spigots.

I've been involved with animal testing for a long time now. When I was very young, my parents enrolled me in a cognitive disorders experiment. A bunch of protesters shut it down, but not before my parents had some cash. Plus, since I was part of the test, I guess I must be protected against cognitive disorders for the rest of my life. Mom said that the money probably saved my life. She said it was the only way they could afford to keep me instead of drowning me in a bucket. Of course, when she was drunk, she said it was so Dad could buy a couple of expensive Magic: The Gathering cards. Dad's story is and always has been that he wanted the money to buy a bigger bucket. Anyhow, whatever happened to the money, I'm protected from cognitive disorders. That means I'll never have cancer of the cognitive or anything like that.

I'm interested in taking part in more tests. I've heard that a lot of makeup companies test hot new makeup on animals. Since I'm a goth, I could use some makeup. I'm thinking a little black eyeliner would bring out the yellow in my eyes, but I'd be happy to have any hip new makeup.

I smell chicken. Mmmmm.... I don't actually see any chickens. I don't hear them. All I hear is the brisk rattle of my typing and the soft noise of the microwave, but I'm sure there's chicken somewhere in this house. I've got a keen nose. It's a lot like a shark's nose, except that it detects things like unagi and chicken, not blood. Plus, it's not as big as a shark's nose. Plus, it doesn't work underwater. No, my nose likes to stay on dry land. I don't blame it. However, it's otherwise exactly like a shark's nose.

Well, I guess it's actually a lot cuter than a shark's nose, too. Especially a hammerhead shark's nose. Especially especially a whale shark's nose. Especially especially especially a loan shark's nose. So, in conclusion, my nose is nothing like that of a shark. That's why sharks don't eat chicken. Well, they do eat chicken of the sea. I mean, I guess. I've never actually seen a sea chicken on a nature program about sharks. Usually, you see them eating things thrown into the water by scientists, like Bits O' Fish, Chex Mix, graduate students, and chocolate chip pancakes.

polycat has informed me that flesh bugs are "alienoid life-form what look [sic] just like a hand." I'm not familiar with these creatures, and I've read every Geiger-counter manual I can find, so I think I know a fair amount about aliens. Has anyone else seen these things? I need as much information as I can if I'm going to hunt down the one that attacked me. To this end, I would like to announce the Miss Kitty Foundation for the Collection of Information Relating to Flesh Bugs, Specifically the Kind of Information That Can Lead to Their Destruction, Not the Kinds of Information Like "They Don't Think Seinfeld is Funny, Either," or "Some of Them Like to Play Whist."

I know this is a little bit late, but I've been busy fighting Jessica Simpson. Things haven't been going well. Let's just say that I have learned the hard way that Keith Richards is not just one of Jessica's aliases.

Francis Crick died a couple of days ago. He was famous in many fields and had a number of novel ideas, but he is probably best known as one of the founders of modern chiropractic science. He won the Nobel Prize for his description of the human spine, although a great deal of the research had already been done by Rosemary Clooney. As Crick's coworker, James Watt, said, "We walked into the lab one night after a run to Taco Bell and found Rosemary's model of the spine sitting on her desk. That's when it hit us. That must be what the spine looks like! It only took us a few more months to write up a paper on it."

He and Watt published Double Fudge, which described their discovery of the spine and, in the first edition, also included a recipe for carrot fudge. Never content to rest on his laurionite, he soon changed fields. He was determined to remove God from anime -- his target was the so-called Ghost in the Shell that had so long eluded atheistic otaku. This occupied him for the rest of his life. While he was able to have references to God removed from Princess Nine, Ranma 1/2, Brother, Dear Brother, Legend of Overfiend, and Ninja Scroll, he was never able to figure out what the hell was going on in Akira. I'm afraid we will never know.

As you may or may not know, I'm very interested in natural history. I've been reading Darwin's Voyage of the Beagle off and on for about a month now, and I finished it last night. I can't imagine how cool it would have been to be in Darwin's place. ( Continued )