I've been kind of busy getting Jaffa Community College up and running. I really thought it would be easy, but I was wrong. Where do I begin?

I've got union issues. I approve of unions, mind you, but even the best ones can get annoying. I've got four of them. One is for classified staff, like admissions & records people, custodians, secretaries, lab managers, etc. Their union is pretty cool, except that every time I correct the draft contract to refer to myself as "Your God, Miss Kitty," they change it to "management."

Then I've got the faculty union. First, they came from the United Auto Workers. Things were going okay until I noticed that they were trying to set up the same kind of system here as they have for grad students at UC Berkeley. I respect real unions too much to have one of mine be like UC Berkeley's, a mere fundraising arm of the UAW. We replaced them with a branch of the NFLPA. Big mistake there. Finally, some of the faculty formed their own union. They're good people, so I'm not too worried about that.

Unfortunately, I've also got a Jaffa union. Since some of my classified staff, some of my management, and about 75% of my faculty happen to be my Jaffa, this union tends to have some friction with the others. Our first Academic Senate meeting ended in a staff-weapon battle, and I'm pretty sure we aren't going to get our deposit back from the Olive Hyde Art Gallery. I knew we should have waited until we actually had our own building to hold a meeting.

There wasn't going to be a management union for a while. I asked them if they wanted one, but they seemed to think that a union to protect management from management would look strange. After the Senate thing, though, they all wanted better armor. That's not something I'm prepared to just hand out, so they formed a union to protect themselves from the faculty. This seems to be more like a Teamsters kind of union than any sort of collective bargaining union, but I'm sure things will work themselves out eventually.

Then there's money. As a school and a religious organization, JCC isn't taxed. Also, we don't have to worry about finding clever ways to scam extra apportionment money from the state the way other community colleges do. This means we don't have to pull stupid tricks like scheduling hour-long classes to be 65 minutes long just so we can get a 30% increase in our Full-Time-Ambivalent Students. On the other hand, we have this freedom only because we don't get any money from the state.

As I mentioned before, we don't yet have our own buildings. I sent a couple of Jaffa to try to capture Ohlone's office of financial aid and the registrationer, but it was a bust. Half of the people were so high that they didn't even notice. (They actually told one of the Jaffa that he had filled out his forms incorrectly!) The others were simply too clueless to surrender the place. They tried, but they couldn't seem to do it. We were meeting just down the street at the gallery, but I guess that's out now.

I'm also having trouble offering benefits. All the Jaffa get free health care. Even if that cretin John McCain wins and taxes health care, I'm pretty certain he won't tax a kitty in one's tummy. I wasn't sure, so I called his office and asked. They found the idea as laughable as I did. More, actually. Unfortunately, insurance companies are really squeamish, and once they find out we plan to use live energy weapons in most classes, life insurance costs go through the roof. I can't even get a reasonable quote on regular health insurance for non-Jaffa, who will mostly be like 50 yards or more away from likely staff-weapon discharges. I'm really disappointed with GEICO. They say they'll insure anything, but they really wont. At least I got a tasty gecko sandwich out of the debacle.

We haven't even touched IT yet. I was going to ask who wanted Macs or Windows or whatever, but after that Senate meeting, I think I'll wait. Heck, the fight started while they were talking about block scheduling. I'd lose most of my new hires if we got into a Mac/Windows/Linux argument. I'm also not sure what to do about a campus wireless network. I think students and employees should be allowed to bring their computers and other wireless gadgets from home, provided they enhance the JCC experience. Unfortunately, most of our classes (including all transfer-level classes) require OPSEC, and an open wireless network kind of wrecks that.

Speaking of John McCain, I hope he loses hard. I say this knowing full well that President McCain would traumatically increase enrollment at JCC, but I really hope Obama crushes him into the dirt this November. I realize it's odd to think that a Republican president would lead to increased enrollment in any school, but remember that (a) JCC is both a military and a religious school, (b) community college enrollment typically increases during economic downturns, and (c) when he destroys 99% of health insurance, we'll still offer a kitty in your tummy.

Jaffa Studies Assistant Professor

(Jaffa Community College)

Final Filing Date: May 26, 2008 by 4:00 a.m.

Jaffa Community College is now accepting applications for a full-time, tenure-track Jaffa Studies Assistant Professor. This assignment begins Fall 2008 (Augustish).

Salary

Annual salary is expected to range from $38,004 to $153,548, depending on education, experience, and success in battle. Benefits include health care, plunder, a stylish set of armor, and all the Jaffa bars you can eat.

Description of Position

This is a full-time position with the Department of Jaffa Studies at the Fremont campus of Jaffa Community College. Teaching assignments will come from among Jaffa Studies courses such as Shouting, Marching, Milling About With Intent, Jaffa Math, Kitty Petting, Kitty Grooming, Jaffa Religion, and Stomping.

Duties and Responsibilities

1. To provide classroom instruction in accordance with approved course outlines of record
   
2. To prepare and grade class assignments, live-fire drills, and examinations and inform students of their academic and moral progress progress
   
3. To post and maintain adequate and regular office hours
   
4. To participate in departmental and college-wide professional development activities
   
5. To participate in other college-wide professional activities such as committee service, college governance, curriculum development, and military operations
   
6. To inform students of course requirements, evaluation procedures, attendance requirements, and how cute Miss Kitty is
   
7. To maintain necessary attendance, scholastic, disciplinary, and loyalty records and submit them in accordance with college guidelines

Reporting Relationships

This position is in the Jaffa Studies Department and reports to the Dean of Jaffa Arts and Sciences, as well as to your god, Miss Kitty.

Minimum Qualifications

The applicant must possess one or more of the following qualifications.

1. A valid California Community College Instructor Credential
   
2. A master's degree in Jaffa Studies or Jaffa Education
   
3. A bachelor's degree in either of the above and a master's degree in Military Science or Religious Studies
   
4. The equivalent (if you are applying for equivalency, please include a page explaining how you meet the California minimum qualifications for Jaffa Studies)

Desirable Qualifications

1. A broad background in Jaffa studies, to include groveling, stomping, marching, shooting things, kreeing things, kitty petting, and veneration of your god, Miss Kitty.
   
2. Experience teaching a range of developmental Jaffa studies courses (elementary stomping through intermediate milling about with intent), and preferably some first-level transfer courses such as introductory kreeing theory and blowing stuff up. Typically, more than 50% of the annual teaching assignment will be developmental classes.
   
3. Ability and willingness to modify personal teaching style based on current research in effective teaching strategies.
   
4. Ability to lead and willingness to support program improvement through collaborative assessment of student learning, staff development, staff weapon development, curriculum development, and military conquest.
   
5. Experience, training, or expertise in dealing with the learning difficulties of students in basic and intermediate Jaffa studies courses.
   
6. Experience, training, or expertise in dealing with heretics, spies, and insurgents within and outside of the classroom.
   
7. Ability to facilitate effective Jaffa studies learning in the classroom, including experience utilizing alternate modes of instruction such as tutoring, small group, individualized instruction, and live-fire situations.
   
8. Ability to connect personally with students and to build a classroom environment that supports students emotionally and religiously as well as academically and militarily.
   
9. Ability and willingness to integrate new technology (computers, Nintendo Wii, distance education, the FGM-172 SRAW missile system, etc.) into the curriculum.
   
10. Ability and willingness to work with a diverse group of colleagues in committees, the Jaffa Studies department, the college as a whole, and military operations.
    
11. Demonstrated sensitivity to, and ability to work with, diverse racial, ethnic, gender, disabled, and cultural populations; and a commitment to working on institutional reforms that deal with student access and diversity issues.

Selection Procedure

1. Applications will be screened to insure the applicant meets the minimum qualifications as stated in the job announcement.
   
2. Applicants will be investigated to insure that the applicant is not a spy of another Goa'uld.
   
3. Those candidates who meet the minimum qualifications and possess the highest rating of desired job-related qualifications, or those judged to be spies, will be invited to the future site of the college at their own expense for the week of July 16, 2008. Such an interview is a prerequisite to employment. Spies will be executed.
   
4. After completion of the above three steps, up to five (5) applicants will be invited to return for an interview with the College President and your god, Miss Kitty. Final interviews are scheduled for the week of July 23, 2008.
   
5. Your god, Miss Kitty, will make the final decision.

How and Where to Apply

To be considered for this position, a completed application packet must be received in Miss Kitty's cute little paws by 4:00 a.m. May 26, 2008. No faxed or e-mailed materials will be accepted. The application packet will be mailed to you upon request, either by writing to Your God, Miss Kitty; Jaffa University; Fremont, CA 94538, or by downloading it from thecatspeaks.com/JCC/jobs.html. The submission of a complete application packet is the responsibility of the applicant. Incomplete or late packets will not be accepted.

A complete application packet consists of the following materials: A cover letter expressing your desire to work for Jaffa College and your overwhelming urge to venerate your god, Miss Kitty Jaffa College Application for Employment form, Academic Supplemental Job Information Questionnaire Resume Copy of college transcript(s) Copy of military campaign log(s) Supporting documentation for equivalency, if qualifying under #4, Minimum Qualifications A tin of unagi

General Information

Jaffa College will open in late 2008 in as the newest campus of the Ohlone Community College District, which currently includes the Ohlone Community College main campus in Fremont, California and the Ohlone Community College extension in Newark, California. Jaffa College will be constructed on the shattered, burned-out remains of the Ohlone main campus after a short but brutal campaign to control the ground. Jaffa College will be fully accredited and will offer transferable Jaffa Studies and Military Science programs. The college is expected to serve upwards of 2,000 day and evening students.

While you may not be able to tell, the Ohlone Community College District is a Drug-Free workplace. The District will verify that all new employees are either U.S. citizens or aliens authorized to work on Earth and capable of evading detection by Earth authorities. Potential employees should know that smoking will be punishable by death on any District facility. Jaffa don't smoke.

I'm recruiting Jaffa for my Jaffa Kitty Guard. What you'll get:

1. Superior Equipment: Yeah, you'll have all that. Check out this schematic done by my very own apprentice, William la Puerta: . I think the picture says it all.
   
2. Health care: the kitten I'll implant in you will keep you alive and healthy for a long, long time. When that kitten grows up, it will be replaced at no cost with another kitten. You don't need to be part of a PMO or HMO or XKCD or any other kind of health insurance pyramid scheme. Your kitten will be your primary health care provider. I even drew you a picture of how it works: . If you look carefully, you'll notice that my apprentice has a slightly better drawing program than I do.
   
3. Bragging rights: Think of the elitest fighting forces in the world: the Cape Verde Coast Guard, The Icelandic Air Defense System, and The Couple of Dudes in Berkeley Who Enforce the Nuclear Free Zone. The will have nothing on the Jaffa Kitty Guard. You'll be more awesomer in every possible way. Your superior training, equipment, leadership, and fanatical devotion to me will let you pawn those knobs any day of the week.
   
   
4. Cash Reimbursements: That's right, I'll pay you back for all Jaffa-related expenses. You go to Fry's or whatever passes for your local electronics store, buy your armor and staff weapon, and send me the receipts. I'll send you some cold, hard cash to cover your bill.
   
5. Jaffa Education: You'll be going to Jaffa College before you ever hit the battle zone. I'm still working on a curriculum, though. Stay tuned for that.

Three months ago I announced my plans to become a Goa'uld System Lord and thus learn the secrets of unagi. As I outlined in that post, I have most of the qualifications. However, I foolishly said that the voice would be easy. You can listen to my practice, if you want.

I've actually been doing some research on the Goa'uld voice. Why do the Goa'uld use that particular voice? I mean, you'd think they'd get more street cred among their subjects if they sounded like James Earl Jones, Patrick Stewart, Alan Rickman, Rick Moranis, Ardwight Chamberlain, or Hugo Weaving. Well, it's not about street cred. It's about the voice. The Goa'uld are naturally a little bit reticent to talk about their history, but I think I've found a few connections that shed some light on things. Consider the six books of Frank Herbert's Dune trilogy, which discusses the Bene Gesserit. These Gesserits are clearly some kind of Goa'uld offshoot, although gifted with a sense of patience that the remaining Goa'uld lack. I know some of you must be saying, "But Miss Kitty, if that is true, don't you think at least one professional historian would have noticed that?" You'd be right. I had the chance to check the Herbert Family Vault and look through my man Frank's papers. It turns out that he did, in fact, notice this, and was planning to write a paper about it. However, at some point in the process he discovered that he didn't really like any of the article-writing software, threw a hissy fit, and spent the remaining year or so of his life trying to write an article-setting program to write his paper in. I've actually seen a rough draft of his paper, which was only a page or so long, but it confirms my suspicions. Consider:

1. Both groups are raving egomaniacs.
   
2. Both groups think that Rose Nylund was the best character on Golden Girls.
   
3. Both groups make a habit of altering cultures so that people will see them as gods.
   
4. Both groups use the voice.
   
5. Both groups rely on personal shielding technology.
   
6. Both groups support DRM.
   
7. Both groups have funky stuff going on with their eyes.

Frank's draft pointed that last one out, but I noticed the others on my own.

I've also found evidence that we still have Bene Gesserit or Goa'uld running around Earth. For example, see the documentary Teen Wolf. In it, Michael J. Fox uses the full Goa'uld arsenal to get a keg of beer. Here's a photo of him using the voice and the eyes.


I'm not 100% sure what this means. I can see two options. One is that Michael is, in fact, a Goa'uld or possibly a Tok'ra. The other option is that he is a male Bene Gesserit, which sort of means he's the Kwizatz Haderach. I'm not sure I buy this, but the important thing is that the voice is about power and command.Once I master the voice, I'll be set. All I'll need after that is an army of loyal Jaffa.

Also, I started this whole crazy LiveJournal thing four years ago today. Whee!

If you are like me, you have no doubt noticed a disturbing similarity between this image, taken from the front page of www.unagi.co.jp

and the Goa'uld (courtesy of the Stargate: SG-1 TV series), pictured below.


My keen analytic mind informs me that there must be a connection. In particular, this means the Goa'uld know how to manufacture unagi. Logically, then, if I wish to learn to make unagi, I need to run with the Goa'uld. Impossible, you say? Not so, I say! Consider the key distinguishing features of a Goa'uld:

1. glowing eyes
   
2. deep voice
   
3. stereotyped behavior

Consider the glowing eyes, as shown here below.

That's trivial for me. See?


Deep voice? I can do that. I've got an impressive control over my own voice. Stereotyped behavior? It's easy to do. I'm a talented actor. Basically, I should have no problem physically passing for a Goa'uld. Unfortunately, that probably won't be enough. There are plenty of no-name Goa'uld out there, and I doubt most of them know how to make unagi. Yes, this means I'll have to set myself up as a System Lord. Season 9 of SG-1 significantly lowered the bar on this, but it's not like being a professional movie critic. I can't just make a paper hat with "System Lord" written on it and call myself a System Lord. I'll need a few things. Here's my current list, which may be updated later.

1. an army of loyal Jaffa
   
2. fancy hardware
   
3. Stargate access
   
4. a good icon for all of this, which is in the works (Edit: done)

I will be recruiting Jaffa in the near future, but don't kree yourselves into a frenzy just yet. I've got one volunteer already (siderealengine), but we're still working on the details. I'll post more on those as my research progresses